Why Barefoot??

Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My mom

I am missing my mom. For those of you tuning in late she is currently serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am sick and so are my children, and only a few people have told me how beautiful my tree is, and nobody knows or really cares that I am saving my cutest red shirt to wear for Christmas Sunday. Not to mention nobody has told me that I need to go buy my girls new Christmas dresses.

So this week I have been "mothering" myself. I bought fancy name brand apple juice for my sore throat. And I have cancelled some extra activities to have a nap instead, also I am going to have a bubble bath. I have talked to my self very kindly, and encouraging. I have read some Christmas stories to myself, I have listen to uplifting music. I have been quiet (although my throat was sore so there wasn't really an option).

It has been a hard week. I have been really busy, and got my feelings hurt terribly. Even worse by someone that was not trying to hurt my feelings in the least amount. I have noticed strategies popping up all over the place. The three bite rule with dessert that I wanted to try. The take me by the hand and guide myself out of the room. My favourite ice water constantly in my hand. Sitting down to eat if I am going to eat, and eating the veggies first. Also having a salad ready to go in the fridge has been really helpful this week.

I decided what I want to give myself for Christmas this year.....

100 pounds of weight loss!

But no pressure whether I make it by Christmas or not I will eventually lose it anyway!

So nothing earth shattering this week, just one foot in front of the other, and remember to treat yourself the way you treat others, because if your anything like me, that is the way the golden rule should have been written.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


I know, I know two posts in one week wow! I wanted to write about Escaping this week, but the first post came out so beautiful that I decided that it needed to stand on its own feet.

I miss using food as an escape. It was an easy way to reward, and not be here to experience the pain that this life can sometimes leave. Now it has become an evil word to me, seriously I hate the word escape. I still feel like I want to escape sometimes, but I really don't. I want to stay here in the moment. I really believe that is one of our life's purposes, is to stay in the fire and feel the burn, pray to get through it, and walk out the other side only to find ourselves fireproof.

The origin of word escape in Latin, means "out of cape." The ancient Romans would often avoid capture by throwing off their capes when fleeing.

Although fleeing my life is very tempting, I am starting to believe that, when you flee a situation it is because you fear for your life. You believe that you will be in mortal harm if you stay where you are. I know that is one reason I have used food in the past, because I really believed that I would fall apart if I didn't escape.

I now know that I am stronger than that. These are the words Geneen Roth gave me about the subject. "When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart." (Women, Food, and God, pgs 80-81)

It also brings me back to when you want to escape or run away, when you want to flee, turn around, stand where you are, and try to become in a Matrix state of being. Slow the world down. What do you smell? What are you fingers touching? Where are your feet? Is your mouth dry or wet? Hear your heart beat? Remember "YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD". You are the boss of your earthly tabernacle. You have the right to call upon the powers of Heaven to help you stand where you are instead of running away. When I am in this situation, it is as real danger to me as if I were standing in front of a Grizzly bear and I am slowly learning that I need to pray like I am.

There is a poem by Emily Dickson that I really love.

"I never hear the word "escape"
Without a quicker blood,
A sudden expectation,
A flying attitude.

I never hear of prisons broad
By soldiers battered down,
But I tug childish at my bars, --
Only to fail again!"

Yes when I first think about the word escape and all of its wonderful meanings:
–verb (used without object)
to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty: to escape from jail.
to slip away from pursuit or peril; avoid capture, punishment, or any threatened evil.
to issue from a confining enclosure, as a fluid.
to slip away; fade: The words escaped from memory.
Botany . (of an originally cultivated plant) to grow wild.
(of a rocket, molecule, etc.) to achieve escape velocity.
–verb (used with object)
to slip away from or elude (pursuers, captors, etc.): He escaped the police.
to succeed in avoiding (any threatened or possible danger or evil): She escaped capture.
to elude (one's memory, notice, search, etc.).
to fail to be noticed or recollected by (a person): Her reply escapes me.
(of a sound or utterance) to slip from or be expressed by (a person, one's lips, etc.) inadvertently.
an act or instance of escaping.
the fact of having escaped.
a means of escaping: We used the tunnel as an escape.
avoidance of reality: She reads mystery stories as an escape.
leakage, as of water or gas, from a pipe or storage container.
Botany . a plant that originated in cultivated stock and is now growing wild.
Physics, Rocketry . the act of achieving escape velocity.
Computers . a key (frequently labeled ESC) found on microcomputer keyboards and used for any of various functions, as to interrupt a command or move from one part of a program to another.
for or providing an escape: an escape route.

The meanings of the word escape all seem great but as Emily said the first thought of escape gets my heart pounding but the follow through of eating to escape only makes my prison stronger.

I don't want to escape anymore. I want instead to become stronger by staying to fight the good fight.
Heavenly Father give me enough strength to do so.

The Waltz

I am officially OVER WEIGHT! No, this isn't negative thinking, what that really means is I am not OBESE. When Linda told me this, at this week's weigh in, it was a real moment for me. The first thought to enter my head, was
I used to be Obese. That was something I once was. I will never be that again.

With that said I wasn't really expecting it this week. I was doing a lot of "dancing" this week. Let me explain. Dancing to me is the waltz I have to do to live my life. It is baking cookies with my kids and eating a few with them, it is having a glass of sparkling cider with my husband at 9:30pm, it is also waking up at 5:30 am to work out so hard that I have to recover from the workout by lying on the couch crying! In the past I have been able to keep the waltzing at a minimum. But this week it just seemed to be there all the time. I had to be very aware of how many I was eating and why. I am sure it has to due with some terrible weather we have been having, and of course it being so close to Christmas.

I don't know if I have mentioned how much I love Christmas! My little family has huge Christmas traditions. Here are a few. We put up the Christmas Tree on November 12, out of respect for the dead and "Remembrance Day", which I believe in commemorating to the full extend! We also wrap up 52 Christmas stories, and put them under our Christmas tree, and unwrap one a night to read until Christmas. I always bake sugar cookies, ginger bread men, and fudge. What I have found, different about the baking of sweets, is that my down fall is "WARM". I am a sucker for a warm cookie. So I always have a plan to indulge in 2 or 3, and then the rest go into the freezer as fast as possible. It has also helps me to make on single batches of things instead of doubling to tripling. I find with a single batch I don't get as tired, and am able to control myself better. But all this has to do with "waltzing" because I am still really nervous about it. I am taking baby steps to trusting myself, and really staying in the moment. If I am going to have something naughty I want it to be because I can enjoy it. I don't want to eat it because it is there, or because I need an escape, or want to make myself happy. I want to it eat it because it is part of the moment. What a warm sugar cookie is to me is:
my wonderful loving mother sneaking a special one just for me,
my fathers voice reading a poem in front of the fireplace while the snow drifts outside
a fresh Christmas tree, with even brighter lights
sledding up and down drifts with my brothers and sisters
getting pulled behind a motorcycle on a sled with the snow flying up and burning my face
seeing my children dust covered in flour as they each choose the shape they want to make
visiting old friends who make a fuss over how wonderful I am
appreciating people and sharing some of blessed Mana with them so they know how much they are loved

What I have figured out is I don't need to eat a batch of sugar cookies in order to have those things but I will never deny myself ONE either. That would not be realistic.

Dancing is very dangerous. There is always the chance of being swept off your feet, or being lead around the floor instead of being the leader, but I believe with out dancing, one cannot live life or change LIfestyles.

And so you see with the amount of Waltzing going on this week I was surprised at the drop in weight. But I forget that dancing itself is a good form of exercise.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


My favourite quote this week is
"Life is about Management not Cure"

I feel like I am in management mode. I was exhausted, and paralyzed today. It started at 5:30am I did 45 mins. on the elliptical. I helped out a friend and took her children to town this morning at around 7:10am which made my children miss the bus, so then I had to take them to school. When I got home and fed the other children, and we watched the Polar Express together. Then I worked on a fireside which I have to give on Sunday. Talked on the phone to a couple of friends. Read Scriptures, and Ensign. Read Scriptures with the kids. Fed the kids lunch, did dishes, read a book, took a small nap with Maggie. Read more, welcomed home the kids off the bus, went to town weighed in, picked up pizza's for Young Women's, came home cooked pizza, went to YW's and walked back into the house at 9:20pm.

Come on Barb that was not a day wasted, but why does it feel like it?? Linda was a big help today at weigh in. She was happy and made me feel confident. I am just not feeling that strong lately, I don't feel weak either, but I just feel peaceful. Like I am ok. But I am not on fire. It is a different feeling for me, I feel comfortable. I found it interesting, the other night I felt like having a snack,it was the same old scenario, kids in bed, Jesse and I watching TV, and all of sudden I wanted something ie ice cream, apple pie, chocolate anything. I find it frustrating that I will always have that desire to eat in that situation and others like it. I didn't eat, because I don't do that anymore, but It was just a reminder that "Life is about Management not Cure." I am glad that I am feeling this way now because when I reach my weight loss goal I know it will be no different than it is now. I will always have those desires to eat when I don't need to. It does make me feel like I will be able to be successful in the long term which for me is the real success. Reaching all these weight loss goals is wonderful and great but to be able to keep off the weight for 5, 10, 25, 50 years that is the success I really want.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The real speech and a pebble passed.

Ok, so here is the real speech that I gave Last Monday at the Lifestyle Success night.

I am so excited to be here tonight. The Lifestyles Program has changed my life in a way I really didn’t know that I could. My incredible husband and I were talking the other night and he said “Do you remember when you once told me that you would never be skinny again because you just weren’t made that way?” Yes I did remember really believing that, and he looked at me and said with a wonderful smile “That was a lie”

Friends, it is a lie, nobody has to be obese.
I have lost 90 pounds in the last year and a half. (yes I deserve those applause)
I am great. I am wonderful. I am inspiring. BUT, so are you. (you deserve those applause) I am no greater than you I am no better than you, I am no more inspiring than you. I have hard stuff in my life and so do you. I am successful with this program and so you can be too.

Let me take you back too August 2009.

I get a phone call from the clinic saying there is an opening in the Lifestyles program, there is no excitement about this, maybe embarrassment, or nervousness but definitely no excitement.
I drag my 3 yr old and 1 yr old into Linda’s office at the clinic. They destroy her office literally, She says it’s ok we are working on moving down stairs. I ask her if this program is really possible to do while having small children at home she tells me about Patricia Beazer. I decide to have faith in Linda, and the program. I don’t think that Linda would lie to me. But there is a thought in the back of my head that says “ok lady I’ll do everything you want me to do and we will just see if it works.”

There have been times, I wanted to quit and I didn’t think I could do it. There have been times I thought I wasn’t going to lose anymore weight. But I just continued, journaling one meal after another, showing up for one appointment after another, attending one group therapy session after another, placing or sometimes even slapping one foot down on the pavement after another.

I wish it were different, I wish it was easier. But yet, then it wouldn’t feel so good. My new favorite saying is that “Nothing tastes as good as this feels.” And believe me, running that first mile didn’t feel very good, but crossing the finish of my first 1/2 marathon in September, felt like nothing I had accomplished before. Now running isn’t for everyone so you have got to find your thing. But you have got to start moving your body.

So why this program? There a million and one different weight loss programs out there, but I didn’t want to lose weight. I wanted to change weight. Lifestyles allowed me time to change weight, so I don’t lose a pound without being accountable to why I have lost it. And even sometimes it has helped me figure out why it was there in the first place. This is the success that I want to celebrate tonight with all of you. The reality that you and I can Change our Lifestyle permanently, and successfully. And with parties like these, have a little fun along the way.

Thank you.

It seemed to go over well. I felt good about it. Here are some pictures of what I wore.

And my friend Marilee was kind enough to take this picture of me while I was speaking.

There was also a mention in the paper about it! Overall a very positive night, I thought it was great.

Dr. Ali Zentnar was the keynote speaker she did a fabulous job. Click on her name to see more of her story. She is a very down to earth no nonsense person. While we were eating, I stopped by her table and said to her,"Look at the all the ripples from the pebble that you have cast." And tried to thank her. After I spoke she stood up again and told me that she was now passing the pebble to me to cast, so I can have my own ripples. This bothered me at first. I felt some kind of pressure, but it was only for a short time, when I then realized, that this is what I am doing with my blog.

Last week was very rushed, and wonderful, I was happy to maintain my 90 pounds, and know that as I stick to program, the weight will continue to come off. Although I did miss Friday and Saturday work outs, tomorrow is a new week and day, and I hope to get back on track.

Thanks again for all your supportive comments and now of course go make your own ripples.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

1st attempt

Ok this is was my first attempt at my talk that I am suppose to give at the Lifestyles Success night on Monday.
After writing this talk I learned that I need to keep it to 3 minuets. This talk was clearly going to be too long, but I felt it was good enough to share it all with you. Hope you enjoy.

Hi, my name is Barb, and I am a food addict. Crowd says "Hi BARB” Good to know you’re all with me.

The lifestyles program has given me the tools I need to fulfill my life the way I am supposed to, and the way I want too. I am going to give you some snapshots of my 90 pound weight loss, journey.

May 2009
I went to see a foot Doctor because my feet hurt so bad, that I was actually starting to walk funny. He says you need to lose weight; I say I am trying to run but my feet hurt. He says you need to lose weight. I leave the office very hurt.
I talk to a friend, and neighbor, I say you look great, what have you been doing? She says Lifestyles at the clinic. I talk to another friend and neighbor she says Lifestyles at the clinic. I decide to pick up an application; I can’t run off this weight, so I guess it is time to work on the food.

August 2009
I get a phone call from the clinic saying there is an opening in the Lifestyles program. There is no excitement about this, maybe embarrassment, or nervousness but definitely no excitement.
I drag my 3 yr old and 1 yr old into Linda’s office at the clinic. They destroy her office literally. She says it’s ok we are working on moving down stairs. I ask her if this program is really possible to do while having small children at home she tells me about Patricia Beazer, everyone assumes I know Patricia but we have never met.
I decide to have faith in Linda, and the program. I don’t think that Linda would lie to me. But there is a thought in the back of my head that says “ok lady I’ll do everything you want me to do and we will just see if it works.”
I found a quote that describes this month
"This one step - choosing a goal and staying to it - changes everything." - Scott Reed

October 2009
My first real trial I have to take my daughter up to the Children’s Hospital for tests. How am I going to do this while being on the program??? I think I am going to quit, I can’t deal with trying to change my eating habits and myself while I am trying to help my little girl.
I decide to take it easy on myself.
This months quote
“Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." - Conrad Hilton

December 2009
I have lost 25 pounds. I just might be able to do this. Linda says that I should try eating just a salad for lunch. I smile and nod thinking in my head. “This lady is coo coo.” I still make sugar cookies and fudge for Christmas but I don’t eat all, yeah me, maybe I can do this.
I take some time to think about the real meaning of Christmas instead of eating everything I want.
This months quote
"If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a desert to travel. A star to discover. And a being within ourselves to bring to life."

March 2010
I decide to start getting serious about the program. I deserve to do this for myself. My family deserves a mom who would do this for herself.
I trade baby sitting with a friend, which is a really big deal because I hate baby sitting, and sign up for group therapy.
Weight loss is 35 pounds.
Quote of the month
"There's a very positive relationship between people's ability to accomplish any task and the time they're willing to spend on it." - Joyce Brothers

May 2010
I turn 35 years old and have lost 53 pounds. I speak at the Lifestyles Retreat. It is a life altering experience, I am doing what my Heavenly Father has sent me here to do. I am treating myself as a daughter of God. I am taking care of God’s greatest gift to me--my body. I write in my journal, “I really am going to be successful at this, and I can’t wait to see what will hit me next. Will it be a different size in clothes, passing a mirror and seeing my reflection, seeing an old friend, or meeting a new friend? Will it be running faster, longer, or discovering a new favorite vegetable dish?” I shop at a second hand store and things fit me, who knew buying trek clothing could be so fun. At the women’s pull at trek, I figure out, I won’t be able to do it on my own, I am going to need help. AND WHEN I NEED IT, HELP WILL BE THERE. I start quoting myself.

June 2010
I sign up for a 1/2 Marathon just 14 weeks away. Really! Oh well, “You can’t cross a sea by merely staring into the water.”
I write beside my 58 pounds lost“Giddy up”.
I write in my journal “I lost the 58 pounds, no one else did it, no one else can do it for me.”
I take the walk across the aisle at Walmart, I walk from the plus section to the other side, time seems to go into slow motion Really? Am I really here? There are a variety of colours I grab a couple of shirts like I am going to shop lift them and move to the dressing room to try them on. I walk into the dressing room like you would walk into a high business job interview so nervous you would like to puke but looking confident just the same. They fit, they fit, I want to tell the world in fact I think I did tell the cashier. “I am buying this XL t-shirt for me because it fits” Not only that but it costs $2 less.
I pick up candy at the grocery store for Young Women’s that night, my four year old yells so everyone in the store can hear. “MOMMY WE DON’T BUY CANDY.” I am so proud I want to cry.
I start quoting my four year old.

July 2010
CLIMB A MOUNTAIN. I feel strong and of a good courage. I continue training for my 1/2 even at Girls camp running through the forest makes me feel, like my spirit is in control of my body.
I hit 70 pounds weight loss, and write beside it “WOW”.
I start a blog, because I miss, group, it helps me.
I am hiking up a storm with close friends, and my family.
This is who I wanted to be.
I run 8, then 9 miles.
I run on the new path in Waterton it is grand.
I run from my house to town along a road I have driven my whole life, I am superwoman.
I say goodbye to parents, as they leave on a mission I am reminded that I am also on a mission.
The quote of the month is
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

August 2010
People start noticing that I am losing weight I think “really because I have been doing this for a year.”
I continue training for my 1/2 marathon the miles are adding up people are very supportive in their comments and honking as I run along the highway.
I run a bit with one of the women I have always admired.
I run up Whitefish mountain while waving and smiling at a whole parade of classic Model T-Fords. One couple stops and asks “if I am ok”. I laugh and say “yeah physically but maybe not so much here!” (pointing to my head).
I miss my mom and dad, and I find a new friend.
I take my daughter for more tests at the Children’s Hospital, it is scary, and sad for me, but I am with her in a way I have never been before. We talk about living in the moment and leaving the rest to God. I decide to “feel the feeling and not eat it”, I feel ALIVE, even though it hurts.
I go horse back riding, something I haven’t done for ages, because I couldn’t get on.
I run with my Goliath, and beat him in the end.
I hurt my foot while running 12 miles.
Dr. Clarke x-ray’s my foot and gives me the go ahead.
I know that it will probably hurt while running the 1/2 marathon but it isn’t going to wreck it permanently.
I take the next week and a half off trying to heal up for the race.
I have faith in the training, I am ready.
I am at 76 pounds weight loss.
I am a little disappointed because I wanted to be at 80 pounds for my one year mark, and then I laugh at myself for being disappointed for losing 76 pounds.
The quote is
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden

September 2010
I run 13.1 miles.
I run 13.1 miles.
I blog this about the last 1.1 miles.
Mile 13 Ok this is starting to look familiar. I am going to finish this. Some lady jogs by trying to get us to run with her and she is nice. It makes me feel a little bad that I can't make her feel good by doing what she asks, but it is just not going to happen right now. I am starting to cry a little; this is REALLY hard.

The last 200 meters I tell my sisters and brother in-law to go ahead and I will finish alone, they all say no but will be right behind me and promise not to talk. I see my brother who had run the 5 k and his little girl waiting for me. I look him in the eye and we both start to cry. I keep going. I am running now, I see the end, all of sudden there is my other two sisters, my parents, my children, my sister-in- law, and on the other side my husband. I only glance, the emotion is too much I have just got to finish. I hear the announcer talking about me he says I am from my hometown and CANADA. I raise my arms in celebration of me and my country. Then my sister is beside me yelling at him that we are sisters and that it is my first 1/2. There is a medal placed around my neck there are three water bottles in my hands and so much happiness and love it is hard to explain.
I take another week and a half off running, because of my hurt foot. I start training with Kettle bells.
I hit 80 pounds of weight loss and move my name up on the “board.”
The Quote is
Winston Churchill - “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

October 2010
I struggle with little to no weight loss on some weeks but I am not going to stop, I have 80 pounds worth of testimony, that this program works.
I hit under 200 hundred pounds, it has been over 10 years since I weighed that much. I celebrate with Jesse, and with my Group.
I take off for the weekend with some girlfriends, for shopping and a Five-K run. It is ridiculously fun.
I speak at a Relief Society meeting on “Change” it ends up being a wonderful, positive, night.

LAST SATURDAY - My two year old sees me tying up my running shoes, so she runs up stairs and brings me back my Pocatello 1/2 marathon medal. I put it on just to see her smile and she looks up at me and says “Go mommy go!”
How can I fail her?
How can I fail myself?
How can I fail God?
I can’t. And I won’t.
I am great. I am wonderful. I am inspiring. BUT, so are you. I am no greater than you I am no better than you, I am no more inspiring than you. I have hard stuff, so do you. I am successful with this program and so you can be too.

So I stand here before you today at 90 pounds weight loss, still a food addict, and one last quote: “my addiction is waiting for me in the parking lot.” But now I am not only a food addict but also a life addict.
Thank you.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


My two year sees me tying up my running shoes, runs up stairs and brings me back my Pocatello 1/2 marathon medal. I put it on just to see her smile and she looks up at me and say’s “Go mommy go!”

How can I fail her.
How can I fail myself.
How can I fail God.

I can’t and I won’t.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I need an "after shot" for the Lifestyles success dinner that I have to speak at, and I can't decide which one to submit. So I am asking you to vote! Just leave it in your comments if you like Picture 1 or Picture 2. They wanted an action sort of shot, not a fancy clothes shot. I need to submit this by Monday so vote fast if you can.



Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Oh my, did I partake this last week.

For the first time ever, my group therapy did not go well last week for me, I left feeling insecure, and without focus. But what I did find interesting is that I found what I needed to buoy me up, I called sisters, friends and talked to my darling Jesse before I felt better. What I love about this is that I have strategies in place now. Where as before I would have turned to food for comfort, I now talk to a friend or friends, and went for a hard Run of two miles, I ran so fast that my throat felt a little sore after from breathing so hard. Not real smart considering I had to speak at Relief Society that night but oh well more research. It is crazy to me that all things are waiting and available to me I just have to figure them out.

So the Relief Society meeting was grand. We all left feeling positive and up lifted. There were even a few ladies that tried swinging the Kettle bells that I brought.

Friday I left with Dixie, Marilee, and Kaylynn, for Kalispell.

We did an incredible amount of shopping. I have not been a shopper in the past as my sisters will tell it, just has seemed to not be my thing, well nobody would have known that this weekend. Within 8 hours I found a long sleeve pull over, two pairs of jeans, two dresser type shirts, Black dress pants, Red jacket, and black dress shoes to top it all off. To the right is the proof that I was not alone in the shopping frenzy. I was having my own party in the dressing room fitting into Jeans that were a 14. It is remarkable to think that a little more than a year ago I was wearing size 26 jeans. I can't believe I am writing that but it just seems like time to talk about it. Once again I am so pleased with myself, I knew I could do this, but it was so covered up with caring for others, and years of not doing anything about it, that shoveling it out has taken an extreme amount of effort. Don't get me wrong I am not done, today I am still fighting feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, and hunger. I am concerned of relapse, it is just a matter of finding a balance between what I would like to do and what I need to do. For instance I would like to do is eat without thought, what ever is handy and convient. But what I need to do is feed my body in moderation, good food, so it can run efficiently enough that my spirit can accomplish all it needs to do on this earth.

Back to my road trip, after shopping all day we drove to Polson MT, and checked into the hotel. It was right on the end of Flat head lake, which was beautiful. The decore of the hotel was in true Montana fashion with exposed beams and also had different native artifacts.
There was an older native gentlemen sitting on the couch when we arrived and he was still there when we left for the race in the morning. I have now imagined, that he was there because his daughter was working the night desk, and had an abusive boyfriend who had threaten to come to work and "get her" and he stayed there all night just incase. (Ok that was a little crazy.)

After checking into our rooms, we enjoyed a late dinner and then went to the Hot tub, mmmmmm, I really love a hot tub, I also took a dip in the pool. We laughed and talked, and enjoyed each others company throughly. I have found some real kindred spirits in these ladies. Kaylynn and I were talking about it and it really was a odd group, none of us the same age, none of us the same height, but yet there seemed to be so much drawing us together.

We arrived at the race early, the leaves were beautiful, and they had fires going to keep us warm, as usual the atmosphere was grand. I really love this about running. Long distance runners are in general are some the most humble, happy people I know. I believe that is because when you run long distances it takes a lot of mental training along with physical.
You end up spending a lot of time with yourself when you are training for long runs, and you might not like what find, but you always know who you are. We got our great race packs, ie bag of pasta, long sleeve shirt, metal water bottle, sport jelly beans, and such and then waited till it was time to race. We also found more friends Debbie, and Erin and had fun talking to them. As we were waiting for the race to begin I was asked to hold up a speaker for the announcer, I found this a little odd, and yet funny, is there something tattooed somewhere on me that says "I will serve you."

The race was under way, I knew my friend Kaylynn would be running the 5K in about 30 minutes, so I had a secret plan to try and keep her in my sights, and then the gun went off and then Kaylynn went off and I immediately changed race strategies. Still wanted to try for a personal best so I push my pace. I fell into stride with a very tall native man, with a long grey braid, who was wearing a pink shirt, and white shorts over top of black tights we ran about half the race together, we didn't talk much but we seemed to share energy. It was nice. The course was uphill until half way and then down hill. I only walked a little. I had a really good kick at the end which I maybe should have started a little sooner, but oh well. I did end up with a Personal Best of 36 minutes. Which I was happy about. I also got asked if they could show my picture in the Polson newspaper, "because you just have the most beautiful smile." That was cute I guess, whatever.

The Race was called Live Locally, they were sponsoring a local girl who is trying to go to the 2012 Olympics in Pole Vaulting she was there, and was so nice. Her name is Melinda Owens, I got her to sign my bib number just in case she won. She was really cute about us being Canadians, and coming to support her. Here is a picture of her and the gang.

So beside the size 14 jeans, it also felt great that the running shirt I ordered was a little baggy, but it still looked great.

I am still wondering if I would have done this a year ago? Wondering if I had enough confidence in myself to go away with these fabulous women for the weekend to get some serious shopping done and fit in a 5k? But then again who cares, OHHH how I love my life.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

No pedestals, thank you

Another minimal weight loss week, but heck every bit helps.

Yesterday was a Picky eating day. I just couldn't stop eating, now thank goodness their isn't junk in my house, so most of it was a carrot, nuts, peas, bread, there were some cookies in there I am sure but it seemed like every time I turned around my mouth was full or was about to be, I even ate chocolate chips which I haven't done in a while. So last night I felt like 285 pounds again, I felt out of control, I felt like I was back there again, hungry with nothing to fill me up, because I wasn't hungry for food I was hungry for something else. It was a horrible feeling, I knew, that I didn't look that way and weigh that much anymore, I even looked specifically in the mirror for it, but it just felt like it. I wish I could describe it better, it was a depressed state not in the mental illness kind of depression but I physically felt pressed down upon. I realize now that even though I thought I was doing ok being that overweight I wasn't, it makes me sad for that person. Another thing that has changed is that I like to do my hair and put on nice clothes that fit before I go out. This is huge for me I have never really cared about that I would wear or how my hair was done give me a baseball hat anywhere anytime. Now I am not putting down baseball caps and ponytails they definitely have their place but not every time you go out. I have found myself saying "I have worked to hard to wear something that doesn't fit properly." It is another thing that makes me sad for that other person. Life can be and is so much better than that but you honestly have to figure it out for yourself, nobody can help you but God.

So back to being hungry...today I figured out what I was hungry for. I have a lot going on right now, Jesse flew to San Diego, last weekend kind of suddenly, so I had the kids all weekend, which wouldn't have been that bad but there was Judo to go to, and a "Meet the family" I needed to go to, and at last a Regional Training meeting that I needed to attend that was an hour away. It was a little stressful arranging all of that.

Also I an acquaintance of mine got hit by a car while out running. This really threw me for a loop considering I have been out running at 5:30am and trust my there is no light. I still went running on the highway the next morning with my friends that I am going to Polson to run a 5k with this weekend. But we didn't start till 7:30 so it was light. When I went Thursday, I grabbed an extra flashlight and stuck to a gravel road with no traffic instead of going on the highway. I don't know how serious I should take this, I do wear reflective clothing and stuff. If I don't run outside I could use my elliptical but it is not really the same as running what do you think should I call it quits for the winter, or try and figure something else out. Maybe I could go at later when Jesse gets home from school, but he is very inconsistent with that, maybe get a baby sitter but that costs money and seems like a lot of work.

I am speaking at a Relief Society meeting Thursday night about "Change." I am pretty much just going to give that talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat in May. Maybe switch it up a little bit. I have also been asked to speak at the Lifestyles Success dinner in November. That is causing me some stress as well, but I talked to Linda about it today, and feel better. I am not a poster girl for Lifestyles, I am just doing what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I am being put upon a pedestal and with that I feel a tremendous amount of pressure not in a good way, I don't like pressure. I really don't like pressure, but I just have to keep reminding myself that nobody matters but me, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, or thinks, or for that matter does. I can only control my actions. There is no magic way to do what I am doing. All I can really say is that it is little, minute by minute, grocery cart by grocery cart, spoon by spoon decisions to change my LIFE, and when you string those all together wow, it really does matter.

Also that and a deeper understanding of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going. I don't really know what came first for me, the losing the weight and figuring out how great I am or the figuring out how great I am and then losing the weight. I guess it doesn't really matter.

So after figuring out that none of that other stuff really matters, and I am just me, and I don't have to help anyone, I just have to take care of me, I don't have to convince anyone, just take care of me, just make my own decisions. I feel a little better, stressed yeah but coping with it, and not eating it.

I am ridiculously excited about my girls get away this weekend. I would love to kill this 5K and run it under 30 minutes but the training hasn't been there so what will come will come. It is going to be FUN and relaxing and I deserve it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Before and after

I weigh less than 200 hundred pounds. I don't really know how long it has been since I have been under 200 pounds. This picture to the right was taken August 2009. I would like to entitle this picture

These pictures were taken two weeks ago, after running a 2k with my children.

And since a picture is worth a 1000 words, here are three, which would make 3000 words which already makes this entry too long to read. Thanks for the support. And, NO, I AM NOT DONE.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Thank you Oprah

Today in group we watch a clip from some Oprah show. It was talking about her journey with weight loss, and as I watched clips from the last 25 years (or was it just 20) I realized that it was partial because of Oprah that I never did diet.

Although I was very aware that I was becoming over weight, I just knew that "dieting" in any way shape or form would never work, or would only work temporally. I knew because of her success and then failures, that the only real solution was a permanent Lifestyle change. No quick fixes, no satisfaction now, with consequences later. Just plain old hard work, and accountability were the key to really getting my weight problem and issues under control.

Between that and a couple years study of the Word of Wisdom,and the Grace of God, has brought me to where I am today. So where am I?

I AM HERE, in this moment, in this body, in my life, feeling things, that I haven't felt for a long time or maybe even never felt at all.

I had a huge break through last week. Someone once said to me "with every 10 pounds comes another emotional layer of the eating!" Of all the things people have said to me this has been one of the truest. I discovered last week that along with the "Frustration" I was feeling disappointed. Everybody has their stuff, and I have mine. I have to say that Heavenly Father has blessed me. I can now recognize what some of the triggers are for my stuff. Which means instead of eating to escape them I can feel them and help myself through them instead of abandoning myself with food.

This makes me feel powerful beyond measure.

It really proved to me that "I can care for myself" with God's help of course. The feeling I get from walking through these fires instead of running from them is one I can not describe but know this .... There is not a piece of chocolate in the world that tastes as good as it feels.

So yes a most sincere Thank You, goes out to Oprah, for with her learning, I too have learned.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


It has been a very hard week. I lost .8 of a pound last week yuck.

I know I know at least it was loss instead of gain, at least it was loss instead of maintaining. But seriously I didn't go over on anything, journaled everything that I ate even the three gummy bears. Exercised 5 times. Simply put I am in a big pouting mood.

I am mad that I work that hard and have nothing to show for it, I know I know I have 81 pounds to show for it but I wanted something on the scale this week, and I didn't get it. Am I going to quit OF COURSE NOT! I still have 81 pounds of proof that what I am doing is taking me in a downward spiral.

Ever since Monday I have just wanted to escape from my life. I used to use food to do that, to abandon myself when the going got rough, then I switched to literally running away from home, that helped, but of course I am nervous about my foot. So I really had no tools to handle the wanting to escape for a while. I still exercised doing 12 minutes of swings, and the next day 5 minutes of Turkish get ups, I still read my scriptures, church article, and wrote in my gratitude journal. I even wrote and nice note to my daughter telling her how great she is, and took a nice hot bath IN THE MORNING! Nothing seem to help. I am really amazed at the pull to return back to food as a comfort and escape it was very real. I am proud of myself for recognizing the need, and feeling and living in the moment and not abandoning myself to overeating. But it still is really hard.

I have found that my thinking is all messed up too. I am feeling overwhelmed at how hard this new life is, and how much weight I still have left to lose. I have been comparing myself to others, oh they lost 80 pounds in one year, and then lost 100 in 18 mths. I don't feel like I am on track with those other people that I consider successful in weight loss. I just need to STOP thinking that way. I am me I am running my own race and it has NOTHING to do with other people. This journey has only to do with God and I. If I affect, inspire, help or change other people along the way great, great for them, great for me. But this journey has to be done ALONE. I don't mean alone like no one can help, I mean I am the one who has to decide every time I eat or not exercise. I am the only one who can run this race.

I also realized that I was grumpy, in my former life I would never really be grumpy. I was either happy or in need of chocolate to make me happy or coming down off of my fix which could be described something like "a raving mad women so get out of my line of sight or it will be coming down on you." Maybe just maybe it is ok to be grumpy and just have a bad day, and just not be peaches and cream to everybody and do everything your suppose to do. Once in my group therapy someone said "That you never know you might end up being a grumpy angry thin person." I don't think that is what I will end up being, but I sure have been for the last couple of days.

After visiting with Linda and venting with her, I asked her to decide my goals and affirmations for the week. She decided on Affirmation that "I care for myself", and goals that I have exceptional snacks this week and try new grains instead of bread for all my carbs.

My plans for snacks is one fruit or vegetable combined with a serving of protein, dairy, or fat. So yesterday I had apples and peanut butter. I haven't had this for a long time, it was good and it did make me feel like I was feeding myself not just eating.

So last night I made Quiana instead of rice for Hawaiian Haystacks. I didn't think it was so bad, neither did Sara, the rest of the family politely choked it down. I promised them Waffles tonight to make up for it.

This morning was suppose to be a rest day but I just couldn't do it. I have been in such a terrible mood the last couple of days I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in and not physically exercising. So I still got up 5:30 in the dark with a full moon, and an array of stars to be astonished with, and went running. I only did a mile but it was so easy and no breathing hard, no sore muscles, no hurting foot. Bliss, escape, and sweet strength all in one simple mile. I didn't want to push my luck so I ran a mile and walked a mile back to the car. Even though it wasn't the best circumstances ie very dark and I didn't have a light, very chilly, and at least 18 cars passed me. I am still glad I did it, I am worried about how to keep doing it, but I found this quote.
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

I am patiently awaiting success, that I know will come.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


1. to give food to; supply with nourishment: to feed a child.
2. to yield or serve as food for: This land has fed 10 generations.
3. to provide as food.
4. to furnish for consumption.
5. to satisfy; minister to; gratify
6. to supply for maintenance or operation, as to a machine: to feed paper into a photocopier.
7. to provide with the necessary materials for development, maintenance, or operation: to feed a printing press with paper.
8. to use (land) as pasture.
11. (esp. of animals) to take food; eat: cows feeding in a meadow; to feed well.
12. to be nourished or gratified; subsist: to feed on grass; to feed on thoughts of revenge.
13. food, esp. for farm animals, as cattle, horses or chickens.
14. an allowance, portion, or supply of such food.

1. to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food).
2. to consume by or as if by devouring gradually
8. to consume food; take a meal: We'll eat at six o'clock.
10.eats, Informal . food.
—Verb phrases
13. eat up,
a. to consume wholly.
b. to show enthusiasm for; take pleasure in: The audience ate up everything he said.
c. to believe without question.

These two words have been plaguing my mind this week. I often say to myself when I am wanting food but not needing it "Barb what are you feeding??"

First let me touch on eating, I am trying to eat. I want to "take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food)." I want to do it with enthusiasm and to take pleasure in it. It has been a hard thing for me this week. I have found that eating this week has been painful because I know my body needs food and I know that I only want to give it good food, but it seems like a lot of effort. It just seems like a lot more work to make a salad instead of making Mac n cheese. I do not understand why I feel this way. In reality it takes about the same time. It is very frustrating.

Next is the word Feed.
You have to understand that I come from an agriculture background (meaning I grew up on a small farm) so when you talk about feed or feeding it is always in reference to animals. Animals that have to be provided for, taken care of when you feed animals you are doing so with a purpose. You want the animals fat so you can sell them for more or they will produce more milk/eggs. Or they will be healthy so you can get work out of them. When you feed animals there is always other purposes in mind it is a win/win situation. Ranchers and Farmers will always look for the best deal of feed to buy often it is about quantity not quality.

So don't get me wrong I do feel like we do have to "feed our selves" but where the thinking has changed for me is that we don't have to feed our selves with food. Instead I would like to feed myself with scripture, long baths, early morning runs, talking to a friend, praying, going to the temple, good stories/books, dancing, walking in dewy meadows, and hugging my children and spouse.

No proper farmer would feed his animals once a week or month they would not yield anything from them. You have to consistently feed them in order to get results. Which brings me to the next word that has infected my brain this week.

2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.
3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility
4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.

I believe in consistency, I believe that whatever you do consistently is what you are. So if for example you go consistently to church you will be a church goer and receive consequences for that action. I also that you don't have to be perfect to be consistent we are after all human. You can still consistently do something with out being perfect, life happens, so you will not be able to be perfect in most things, but you can be consistent.

What I don't understand is why consistency is such a hard concept for the human to grasp. It seems to me that any person that is consistent in anything sees success in that area that he/she is consistent in doing ie exercise, drug use or business. We have been told this over and over again "Keep the commandments" "Don't go crazy on food storage just get a little at a time" "Just plant a garden every year" "Go to the temple at least once a month where possible" "Prayer every day not just when you need it." "Read scriptures every day"

Anyway I don't know why but I haven't been able to really grasp this whole concept why is it so important to be consistent?

But I did receive what I thought was an answer this week, in Mormon 9:9,
"For do we not read that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing?"

which also made me think of Matthew 4:48
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

So IS being consistent in the way we do things, our key in becoming perfect like our Father?
Perhaps so.
How does this tie in with weight loss? Well if I am consistent in eating good food, journaling what I eat, exercising, and feeding myself through other means than food, I will be successful in that area.
Anyway that is some serious "Food for thought" (no pun intended)!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hard week with good results

I have been fighting with myself a lot this week. My foot is still recovering from the running and I am trying to be patience with it. But I miss the strength that I feel from running. So once again I find my mind saying things like "you are fat", and I tell my mind "I am not", and then I would run to scale to show us both the evidence. It also seemed like I went over on Carbs this week a lot, but in looking at my food journals I only went over 3 times. This is another reason I believe that food journaling is one of the most important weight loss keys. It provides you with evidence to overcome those negative voices in your head. I said a prayer in the shower yesterday morning something like this,
"Heavenly Father please help me deal well with the consequences of weigh in today. No matter what the scale says please help remember that what I doing is right and that I will eventually get the rewards I am looking for as long as I consistently, food journal, go to my lifestyles appointments, and exercise in some form."

I really meant it. So to step on the scale and see a 3. something pound weight loss, I was delighted. I also said in a loud voice "AHHH that was a really hard week and I really wanted to see that." I got to move my name up to 80 pounds lost on the board. Oh, all of a sudden I had just finished my climb to the top of Table Mountain again, and had crossed that 1/2 marathon finish line again, and it was good.

The other great thing that went on this week is that my sweetheart Husband bought me my first "Kettlebell." Just click on the word and it will take you to a website so you can learn more about them if you want. I would suggest reading the articles or interviews. One of my favourites is "Tracy Reifkind" once again just click on it to read her story. We started swinging yesterday morning, it was really fun to be able to work out together. He was using a 16kg (35 pounds) and I was using a 8kg(17 pounds). We only started out with 25 swings and then a 20 second rest but my heart rate and breathing was up. I believe that Kettlebells will help me get through the recovery of my foot and the winter, and who knows maybe this is the first paragraph in my own Kettlebell success story.

One of the quotes that I repeated to myself a lot this week was
The things I can't control have little to do with my success.

Meaning even though my foot is still recovering I can still continue to become a more fit, and healthy version of myself. It might not be as much fun without the running but the rewards are still worth it. I also found this quote this week by Joyce Brothers, I am in full agreement with it.

"There's a very positive relationship between people's ability to accomplish any task and the time they're willing to spend on it."
Joyce Brothers
She has a good story if you have time read it.

I just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and support, it means a lot. Putting your self out there is sometime a little nerve racking. But when you get so much positive feed back it gets a little easier every time, and in case you were wondering why I would do it? Because it lets me process, what is really going on, and it also provides proof of my journey. And I really love a journey.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Nothing lost but everything gained.

Yes at the weigh in this week I didn't lose a pound there was a moment of "really because I ran 13.1 miles this weekend and really I didn't lose a pound?" But when put in perspective of 9 hour car ride with 4 children, to run for 3 hours and then sleep and drive 9 hours home with 4 children not gaining a pound is pretty great. Although I am not a big TV watcher, I did watch the Biggest Loser last season. I remembered that "Darius" ran a 4 hour marathon and put on 2 pounds, I felt a little of his pain this week. Just goes to show just because your running doesn't mean you are going to lose weight it is only part of the process.

As promised here is a better run down of the Race.

Arriving at the bus a minute before departure you would think I would be a nervous wreak. But I wasn't. I felt prepared. I was living in the moment. I was really there. I was participating in my life. As the bus drove on I chatted with my sister and her husband I remember feeling at the time surprised at how calm I felt. I was really happy that this wasn't the first formal running event that I had ever run. As the bus was nearing the end the route we started passing a few Marathon runners. I marveled that they were only half way through their journey and I hadn't even started yet.

As we were the last bus to arrive there was quite the group of people already there 419 to be exact. There was the usual blaring music and people warming in up. I always find this quite amusing, you always have your full out runners, which I will never understand you are about to run 13.1 miles and so what you are trying to get a couple more in before hand??? Then you have your yoga hippy people who are standing in downward dog pose and then jumping up to salutation to the morning sun, yikes make sure you stay out of their way. There are also your leg pullers, arm swingers, jogging in one spot, and my favourite jumping jacks. But all in all runners in general are some of the best people. The are usually pretty down to earth, humble, balanced, and over all happy. The number of porta potties and the beging of the race was something to commend the race officials for, I only had to stand in a line for maybe a minute. But I did dry heave the whole time I was actually using the porta pottie, sorry that is probably to much information. My sister and her husband comment to each other that this is such a small race, I am amazed because this is the 2nd biggest pack of people I have ever ran with. They also commented on how well the back packs were being stored by the UPS guys in the back of their truck they thought it was cute. We also ran into some people that my sister and her husband knew it was cute and they were super nice. We stood out by the road cheering on the Marathoners until it was time to start, and then my sister and I took our place in the pack. I always like to start and the very back of the pack I am not racing against anyone but myself and I don't like the feeling at the front of the pack besides the days of any kind of competition are well behind me, I am only racing my demons and there are plenty of those.

The count down begins 10,9,8...2,1,Go and there was a collective bouncing up and down ahead of us as the race began. I decided along time ago that I wanted to start off the race walking so we walked across the timers mat and kept going. I feel like I am walking into a new part of my life I am now a 1/2 marathoner.

Mile 1 was what a mile 1 should be everyone so excited, still a lot of people out cheering relatives taking photos. I feel great with a shot of adrenaline who wouldn't.

Mile 2 seemed to have a slight hill which was the first of many that I didn't expect but they were still nothing like I had trained on so nothing seemed that bad.

Mile 3 I remember my sister saying awesome only 10 miles left. I also remember thinking about my route back home saying oh 10 miles I can do that, that is only running to town, I have totally got this thing in the bag. It really was a perfect morning jog, warm, no wind, sun rising, and painting the sky. I told my sister how much I love 3 miles because it was the first race I ran and it always makes me feel like I am a real runner when I can run 3 miles without stopping. This is also where I started to feet my left foot, and I really to remember thinking "Oh Hello there hurting foot come and run with me today." This was also the first time we stopped to get some water.

Mile 4 I remember that it was still cool the scenery was beautiful, little Idaho homes with great landscaping, and the hills on both sides. This was also where we ran into some more people that my sister knew it was two people one was an older gentlemen who put his arm around me as he talk to me about the race. I found this humourful, and nice they seemed to stay for quite some time but when you are running for 3 hours time is not something really you pay attention too.

Mile 5 Is always a wonderful place no matter where you are. This is when my chest seems to loosen up and my arms relax. My sister and I talk about how much we love a mile five. I am now stopping at every water station to get sips of water. Scenery again I think this is where there were all of sudden huge rocks jutting out of the earth like the giants had played baseball and these ones had been hit out the park. I start marking where I am on my route that I run at home. It is between Marvin and Tracy's house.

MIle 6 There was a train, a really long train, and he honked at us and waved. I took some Gateorade at a water station. While running at home in my mind I am at Simon's house.

Mile 7 My sister tells me a story about trying to fiance an investment property it made that mile zoom by.

Mile 8 ohhh this one hurt all of a sudden my foot was screaming, and there was a hill, and the sun was now full on our backs.

Mile 9 at the top of the hill very hot, we ran by a big high school, I was wondering why all the cars were there on a Saturday but my mouth was too dry to talk about it. My foot hurts. I start with the mind chanting "I'M HEALTHY, I'M STRONG, I'M EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO BE. I AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD."

Mile 10 only 3 miles left I can do 3 miles can't I? Some more self talk "You know you don't have to to do this?" "uhh yeah I do, but more so I WANT to do this." We decided to not let two ladies that are in front of us get away we decided not to let them beat us. One of their husbands keeps driving along the route and then stopping and cheering for them, I think it is nice. He also has a Giant Schnauzer in the back of his Explorer.

MIle 11 where oh where is that IBU, my sister spots a lady taking out her garbage in her pj's. She remarks that always make her think that "oh yeah some people our age are just getting out of bed right now. Doesn't it feel good to be out doing this instead." I fully agree with her. We meet my sister's husband along the route he has finished his 1/2 marathon and come back to meet us, he is great and funny. He also seems really strong for some reason I stick pretty close to him for the rest of the race drawing some inner strength from him. I decided I just want to have a good strong last mile.

Mile 12 We run into my other sister who ran the 5K and has come back to find us. I am not doing so great at this time I am walking a lot my chest feels heavy, my foot hurts but it just doesn't feel like I have that core strength that I am so use to having. My sister tries to get me to run three telephone poles and then walk that works for a while. Everything is hard. I decided I just want to have a good strong last .1 mile. I also let the ladies that we were suppose to beat go. Good for them.

MIle 13 Ok this is starting to look familiar I am going to finish this. Some lady jogs by trying to get us to run with her she is nice it makes me feel a little bad that I can't make her feel good by doing what she asks but it is just not going to happen right now. I am starting to cry a little this is REALLY hard.

Mile .1 I tell my sisters and brother in-law to go ahead and I will finish alone, they all say no but will be right behind me and promise not to talk. I see my brother who had run the 5 k and his little girl waiting for me I look him in the eye and we both start to cry. I keep going I am running now, I see the end, all of sudden there is my other two sisters, my parents, my children, my sister-in- law, and on the other side my husband. I only glance, the emotion is too much I have just got to finish. I hear the announcer talking about me he says I am from my hometown and CANADA I raise my arms in celebration of me and my country. Then my sister is beside me yelling at him that we are sisters and that it is my first 1/2. There is a medal placed around my neck there are three water bottles in my hands and so much happiness and love it is hard to explain. This picture describes it best.

Seriously look at that smile, that reminds me of the smile my children have when they have played outside all day long and are just about to go to sleep in their own beds, with their own blankets and pillows, they have had their teeth brushed, faces washed, story read, they are peaceful, content with the world, but tired. It is my favourite smile. It reminds me of Robert Browning's Pippa Passes.

The year's at the spring,
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven -
All's right with the world!

So for a week of not losing a pound as you can see I have gained everything.

Monday, September 6, 2010


I am still processing. But here is what I have got so far.

This is a picture of me when we left Thursday night, I am full of emotion.

My foot started hurting at mile 3. There was a lot of, "My foot hurts BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER." I also started saying to myself "HELLO, HURTING FOOT COME AND RUN WITH ME TODAY." It made me think of this quote.
"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." - Michael Jordan

There was a person in a wheel chair cheering along the route, and it made me think "I can't believe I get to do this." It made me think of this quote.
"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." - Ann Landers

Just in case you thought that this was something totally fun, and easy for me to do just look at this picture near the end of the race and you will see another story. It made me think of this quote.
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." - Winston Churchill

What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination. - Zig Ziglar

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pounds and cars

3,500 calories equals one pound of body weight.

I really love this statistic. It helps me remember that it is not just the one piece of cake that will do it but eating cake everyday or the whole cake will make a difference. I lost one pound this week, and honestly I am very excited about that pound because I wasn't exercising. I was resting my foot for the race on SATURDAY. I am really happy that I just did it by being aware of what was touching my lips. I am really liking the feeling of being hungry again, but it is a different hungry than before I am not trying to fill holes or numb feelings, it is a "I am taking care of my body hungry".

I often compare my body to a car, because it is the vehicle for my spirit's journey on earth. So now when I am hungry it feels more like the gas tank is almost empty, I can also say, what I am I going to put in it high octane super fuel, which means I am not going to have to fill it up as often, or the junky stuff, which my body will use faster and go through more of?

Viewing my physical body as a vehicle helps me take a third person view of its features. I tend to look at myself as the whole package deal instead of "thighs", "stomach", or "behind". Every vehicle has it's selling features, for instance my eyes, and neck are some of my favourite things, and so I highlight this by wearing necklaces. Every vehicle also has different designs for itself. A Hummer is a Hummer and the world needs Hummers there are perfect for what they are used for. Economy cars are perfect for what they are used for. Even a convertible is perfect for what they are used for. We never expect a car to be perfect at something it is not designed for. We might get upset when the convertible gets stuck in a four foot snow drift but really we can't blame it because it is not designed for that. We also can't get upset when we have to pay more gas for the Hummer because that is not what it is designed for. The trick is too highlight our selling features, and realize what we are capable of and designed for. The other great thing is we aren't just one vehicle we can be many different ones.

Here are some ones I have pictured my self to be.

This is a love van, not in a naughty sense, but it is fun vehicle that will give anyone a ride to where they need to go. It is accepting of all people, it is up for adventure, it is has the need to visit places that people would not expect.

This is a All terrain vehicle, it can get through everything and anything, it is tough looking on the outside but surprisingly comfortable on the inside. This is a tough strong car. Don't forget this original design was an army vehicle, and yes I believe my hummer has been through a few wars.

This is my mommy vehicle it too has room to carry 5 other beings they all travel together, and are very close. This vehicle is very sensible, and accommodating.

This is a newer vehicle, and it is FANCY, it is still not as flashy or cocky as a sports car, but this vehicle says I have got my stuff together, and I have earned this. You don't just get this vehicle by chance, it is something worked, and sacrificed for. Right now this is my favourite vehicle.

A few more days until the race I am deliciously excited.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

So I am totally going to run my 1/2 marathon, I am so, eager, elated, and emotional over the whole thing. It is exactly one week to go. I am also glad this next week is going to be very busy because it will help with the nerves. I went to the temple last night and was reminded of some blessings I have specifically to "run and not be weary, and walk and not faint." (D&C 89:20)

I found a talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat I went to in May. I am posting it hear so I can remember it better.

I have left writing this too late I don’t know what to tell you or what to say so I will just begin with what I know. I have known some of these things my whole life and some I have learned and even some I am still learning about.

I know
That I have a heavenly Father who loves me beyond human understanding.
That I have a brother who died that I might live again.
That I am a child of God.
That I have noble birthright.
That I am a queen in training, that the blood that coursing through my body is noble.
That “if I should serve him who has created me from the beginning, and is preserving me from day to day, by lending me breath, that I may live and move and do according to my will” (Mosiah 2:21) That if I should serve him with all of my soul I would be an unprofitable servant.

I know that there was a war in heaven before I came to earth and a lot of the reason for that war was agency.
I know I was on the right side.
I know I earned the right to be on this earth and have the most precious of gifts. A physical body a “a tabernacle of flesh – a temple for my spirit.” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, You are a Child of God, July 2008)
“The body is sacred. It was created in the image of God. It is something to be cared for and used for good purposes. It ought to be taken care of…” (The body is sacred Pres. Hinckley New Era Nov. 2006)

President Hinckley said, “I marvel at the miracle of the human mind and body. Have you ever contemplated the wonders of yourself, the eyes with which you see, the ears with which you hear, the voice with which you speak? No camera ever built can compare with the human eye. No method of communication ever devised can compare with the voice and the ear. No pump ever built will run as long or as efficiently as the human heart. No computer or other creation of science can equal the human brain. What a remarkable thing you are. You can think by day and dream by night. You can speak and hear and smell. Look at your finger. The most skillful attempt to reproduce it mechanically has resulted in only a crude approximation. The next time you use your finger, watch it, look at it, and sense the wonder of it.”

When I read this I thought about my babies, I used to watch with wonder as they first discovered their hands. They would hold them at eye level and open and shut them and wiggle their fingers looking at them with a kind of wonder. Or perhaps thinking still to their unveiled spirit “I’m here I made it”.

With any gift comes the responsibility to care for and be a steward over it.

Let’s pretend for a moment I got a new calling to care for the temple building. I would consider this a huge calling; I would check and recheck systems; I would not let anything unworthy or useless enter the temple, if it did I would remove it immediately.

And yet, I have been given a “temple or tabernacle of the spirit” and I feed the systems useless things, I have not kept up the repairs as diligently as a worthy steward should. The Lord has said, “Yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples; and whatsoever temple is defiled, God shall destroy that temple.”(D&C 93:35) How grateful I am for the “Atonement of Jesus Christ” that even though in my own opinion I have defiled my temple I can repent I can improve I can clean out the systems “literally” I can stop letting the useless things in my temple. I am in a restoration period of my temple although I feel like I have been rededicated already.

Elder Bednar gave a Devotional Address at Rick’s College in January 2000, but it is found in the Ensign September 2001 issue it is called “Ye are the temple of God”. Now the context of his talk is concerning the use of Internet and other technological things. I would urge all to read and reread this important talk. At first he shares three reasons we came to earth to gain a physical body.

Reason no. 1. Obtaining a tabernacle of flesh is an essential step in the process of becoming like our Heavenly Father. Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, depth, and intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate. As President Boyd K. Packer, acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has taught, “Our physical body is the instrument of our spirit” (Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled [1991], 211). Thus, our relationships with other people, our capacity to recognize and respond to truth, and our ability to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ are amplified through our physical bodies. In this classroom of mortality we experience tenderness, kindness, happiness, sorrow, disappointment, pain, and even the challenges of physical limitations in ways that prepare us for eternity. Simply stated, there are lessons we must learn and experiences we must have, as the scriptures describe, “according to the flesh” (1 Ne. 19:6; Alma 7:12–13).
Reason no. 2. Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son are, by nature, creators. As the sons and daughters of God, we have the potential to become like Them. The Father and the Son have entrusted us with a portion of Their creative power and provided specific guidelines for the proper use of that sacred ability to create life and establish an eternal family. How we feel about and use that sacred power in this life will determine in large measure whether additional creative power will be ours in the life to come.
Reason no. 3. As we attempt to answer the question about why we are here on the earth, we usually consider receiving a physical body and being tested as two related but separate parts of the answer. However, an essential part of the test of mortality is having and properly using a physical body. Please consider carefully the following statement by President Brigham Young (1801–77):
“The spirit is pure, and under the special control and influence of the Lord, but the body is of the earth, and is subject to the power of the Devil, and is under the mighty influence of that fallen nature that is of the earth. If the spirit yields to the body, the Devil then has power to overcome the body and spirit of that man, and he loses both.
“Recollect, brethren and sisters, every one of you, that when evil is suggested to you, when it arises in your hearts, it is through the temporal organization. When you are tempted, buffeted, and step out of the way inadvertently; when you are overtaken in a fault, or commit an overt act unthinkingly; when you are full of evil passion, and wish to yield to it, then stop and let the spirit, which God has put into your tabernacles, take the lead. If you do that, I will promise that you will overcome all evil, and obtain eternal lives. But many, very many, let the spirit yield to the body, and are overcome and destroyed” (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1941], 70).
In 2 Nephi 2:26–29 [2 Ne. 2:26–29] we read:
“And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.
“Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.
“And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit;
“And not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom.”
Neither passage asserts that the physical body is inherently evil. Rather, they teach that we live in a fallen world. The very elements out of which our bodies were created are by nature fallen and ever subject to the pull of sin, corruption, and death. Thus, the Fall of Adam and its consequences affect us most directly through our physical bodies. And yet as President Young stated, we are dual creatures, for at the same time that we inhabit a physical body that is subject to the Fall, we also have a spirit that represents the eternal part of us. We are the spirit sons and daughters of God and have inherited divine qualities from Him. The precise nature of the test of mortality, then, can be summarized in the following questions: Will my body rule over my spirit, or will my spirit rule over my body? Will I yield to the enticings of the natural man or to the eternal man? That, brothers and sisters, is the test. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to learn to bridle all of the passions of the flesh (see Alma 38:12).

I found the scripture he quotes about bridling all of the passions of the flesh interesting, and I applied it mightily to my habits of overeating. I also found the whole scripture in Alma 38:12 very interesting.
12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

Some people might not know what or how a bridle works. They might simple know that it is used on a horse. A bridle is put in the most sensitive part of the horse's mouth so when it is pulled just a little this way or that the horse immediately feels it. There is not a horse alive who doesn't feel the bridle and bit when it is on his face and in his mouth. It is supposed to be a little uncomfortable so the horse will stay focused.

We too will be able to stay focused as we bridle our passions and we will stay focused on the rod of iron instead of being lead this way or that. And yes bridling your passions will be uncomfortable. Life is not meant to be a cake walk, but we are meant to find "joy in the journey" not fun in the trip.

The next part of the scripture "that ye may be filled with love" also hit me. Think about how fun it is to ride a horse, a really good horse. A horse who doesn't fight you all the way, think how much easier you appreciate and love an animal like that. You want to use that horse more when you know you can trust it because when you ride him it often it feels like you are one.

I think this might be the same with God, in bridling our passion's in completely lending our wills to God's will and letting him take hold of the reins, how much more will He be able to love and appreciate us. How much more will He be able to use us. And the more He uses us the more we will have His love.

This was an "aha" moment for me. I find the more I bridle my passion for over eating and take away that crutch, I have turned more to my Heavenly Father and begged for more love, more patience, more temperance, more peace, more strength to overcome, and finally more Savior like thee. I have been filled with not only love but also strength beyond my human capacity.
Could it possibly be that in bridle this passion of mine I have opened another avenue of love for my savior and father to help and love me? Yes I know that it is true.

Corthinans 6:19-20 states
19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
  20 For ye are abought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

This was a wonderful thought to me I can love God’s temple I can take care of God’s temple that he has loaned me. I have been bought with a high price, the price of blood of every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, the sacrifice of God’s son, my brother, the only perfect being on earth. Will I pay down the debt? Surely as I attempt he will provide ways to do so.

One of my favorite scriptures since I have become a parent is found in Matthew 7: 7-11

7 ¶ aAsk, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
  8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
  9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
  10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
  11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I know how much I love my children; I know how much I want them to succeed. And if I being evil know how to give good gifts then really how much more shall my all knowing all seeing Father in Heaven give good things to them that ask.

So here I am on earth, finally understanding and loving my temple, then why do I keep failing once in a while?

This was another moment for me, while pondering this question I went back to the war the very first war that we know about the war in heaven, and I thought about the loser. Yes Satan, his punishment, he has no body.

Sister Susan W. Tanner in the November 2005, Ensign, says this about him.
Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect.

Satan doesn't want me to take care of this body, he wants me to defile it in any way, he wants me to despise it, he wants me to think poorly of myself, he wants to physically disable me so I cannot continue to do the Lord’s will.
Some of that is because
“Our physical bodies look like our spirit bodies. After we die and are resurrected, our bodies will be made perfect. They will be healthy and strong. Anything that was wrong with our bodies while we were alive on earth will be corrected. We will each look like our own best self.” (Diane Mangum, Jehovah and the Wonderful Plan of Our Heavenly Father, January 2010.)

I believe that after we die we are essentially the same people only that our feelings are intensified, so if we are not pleased or think badly about about ourselves now how hard will it be to correct those feelings when we die?

7 For as he athinketh in his heart, so is he:… Proverbs 23:7

As we continue to love and take care of our temples inside and out we will be able to more correctly align ourselves with God’s purpose for us on earth. This is my truest wish and pray.