Why Barefoot??

Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Check it out

Ok so it seems a little bit weird to promote oneself but I am going to do it anyway aren't I. So check me out @. (or just click on the @ sign)

I think I should have chosen a different profile picture, and it seems weird that I wrote it over a year ago when I was training but the rest of it is still true. Who knows maybe it will help someone somewhere?

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Thoughts on Forget Me Not

President Uchtdorf's talk given at RS General meeting in October 2011, entitled Forget Me Not is what has capture my attention this week. Here are some of my favourite quotes.

"Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself."

Why? Why is this so hard for us. Or better yet why is it so easy for us to be compassionate and patient with others and not with ourselves. I think that it is because we really aren't compassionate and patient with others. I sometimes find myself working hard on some aspect of myself that I can't stand in others. I will often let them have the "weakness" but then refuse to partake in it myself. I find in this way I try and control others by controlling myself or even worse my kids. I often find myself getting up set with my children for the actions of other peoples kids. ie someone's kids are running up and down the halls my kids start to follow and I jump all over them because what is really bothering me is the other kids running up and down the hall but I can't control them but I can control my own kids to a degree anyway. So am I really compassionate and patient with other people or is it I see the "mote" in there eye so I am making sure I don't have a beam in mine? I also believe this comes back to "love thy neighbour as thyself" I really do believe that we will not be able to love anyone else fully until we fully love ourselves.Next quote.

There are so many good things to do, but we can’t do all of them. Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective.

A really good example of this came from my friend Becky's blog this week. Her son broke his arm so that probably meant messing up the exercise and even eating routine this week for her, but there is no doubt that she is sacrificing good for something eternal. I had a few experiences this week with this. What I find most discerning is I know what I am choosing is the right choice BUT it is still hard to do. It is still so hard to not meet everyone expectations or all your commitments. I ended praying for peace about it.

The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy.

Be happy in the moment. I believe this with all my heart. I often think of Dr. Seuss story "Oh, the Places you'll go."...

"The Waiting Place...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting."

I often find myself all of sudden in this "Waiting Place" again. It is not someplace I try to find or want to be in but when I recognize myself there I get out as fast as I can. I believe that while we are in this place we cannot fully appreciate all that we have or why we have it.

Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us.

Love this, and last but not least.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

If only we could remember and really believe this, nothing could stop us in fulfilling our missions on earth.

As a side note Brene Brown has another Ted Talk on Vulnerability click here for the link. Unfortunately my computer wouldn't let me get through he whole thing but this is one part I really love.

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”~Brene Brown

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

5 Stages

Back story
So most you probably know that my daughter Sara was born with a Tumour in her right kidney. I had a flash back to that last week and this was it. We were in the conference room with her team of doctors, to find out whether or not the tumour was benign (good) or malignant (bad). After they said it was benign the relief that flooding over me was true joy. But then they started talking about follow up treatments and such. The horror and absolute depression that hit me in that moment was great. I struggled with this a long time, because I felt like I should be happy and great because we didn't have to do chemo or radiation. I thought that we would walk out of the hospital and never look back that this thing or experience was over. I had no idea that it would take up the next three years of DR. appointments to Calgary and so forth. As I was struggle with this my darling sister in law Shauna told me that when you have something anything go wrong with your children sometimes you will still mourn the loss of that perfect child. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Mourning the loss of an idea. Mourning the loss of just having a baby and taking her home and life to be "normal". I think she also said that when you are mourning you will go through the five stages of grief.

Continuing Story
So the last couple of weeks have felt like hiatus. I feel like the tide has ebbed that things seem a little more easy. So I have been trying to stay in the moment and figure out what has changed? Why now? How do I stay here? That is when I had the flash back to the scene above and I thought about the last stage of grief.

I feel as though I have come to an acceptance about my life. I accept that I will not be able to eat food like everybody else. I accept that I will have to fight this my whole life or my disease/addiction will come back with vengeance. I accept that this is the fight I can fight right now in this season of my life this is what I can do for it right now. Maybe later I can run 5 marathons a year and increase my pace and train my guts out but for right now I can train for a local 1/2 marathon and I accept that. This is weight I am at right now I am handling my food the best I can right now and I accept that.

The more I focused on this I believe I can even go back and relive the rest of the stages of grief since we started at the end we will work backwards. Before Acceptance there is Depression. (click on the highlighted words to take you to the website where I got the 5 stages of grief from I don't know if it is reliable it seems like there is a lot of confusion on what the 5 stages really are but this works for me and I am not a physiologist so that is what I am using.)

"Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell."

The first one for me was a worry about whether I will be able to keep this up will I be able to keep the weight off? Will I be able to afford to eat better? Will it impact my family? Will I make people feel uncomfortable? The second was actually missing the weight. I realize that not everyone will understand this but for me my weight was a protection. It was an outer shell so that no one could get to me. It is very difficult and vulnerable to walk around without all that protection. There are some days where it feels like I am walking around naked with everybody looking at all my stuff. I have to separate myself from my old self quietly and it has to be not only in my physical habits but also in the recesses of my mind. As hard is the physical battle of weight loss is the battle of the mind is much more difficult.

Durning this phrase I used a lot of "If only" statements. If only I didn't have this addiction. If only I could eat like everyone else. If only I could just be better at this. If only I didn't have to journal everything. If only I could just have just one cupcake, cookie, chocolate bar.(Reality is I could eat one but I can never just have one. "One is too many a thousand isn't enough") If only I would have started sooner. If only I could run every day and eat perfectly and be in control all the time. If only I could live a solitary life where I could really say no to the things I don't want to do and yes to the things I do want to do. I don't know if this stage will really be ever over but I try to be aware of the "If Only" statements.

I think anger and rebellion are the same thing for me. For a long time I would get upset with this question.

Why can't I eat what my husband gets to eat?
Why do I have to deal with this?
Why do I have to journal?
Why do I have to go see Linda?
Why do I have to go to group therapy?
Not everybody has to do this so why do I?

My rebellion always came back to bite me. Oh I am going to be so bad and not write down my cookies. (In reality this just makes me feel out of control.) I had a group member say the most profound thing. It is a lie. Thinking that life should be full of easy things and we should be on a beach and do nothing but take care of our selves is a lie. He then followed up with this quote.

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times… The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” ~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Crazy great and true right! Best moments running a marathon, being in college, reading scriptures, and figuring out what I really need instead of eating the feeling.

I think I lived here for long time. Jesse remembers me saying "I am just big boned" I am just this way I can't be skinny." I remember thinking "I am fine just fine, I have a testimony, I am a good person and I am doing just fine." I am a good person. But freeing me from the weight I have being caring around most of my life makes me a better person a person who is living a better life. Is it easier? No, not really. But always remember "Choose your hard."

I love what the website said about the five stages of grief.
"Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are."

So, I lost the weight, what is there to be grieving over? Well just like things with Sara, I mourn the loss of a different life. A life where I am free from this addiction. A life where I kill Goliath and he remains dead. A life where I don't have to fight everyday. I guess my question to you is what are you mourning? Where are you at in that process? The great thing is I also have knowledge that that my life that I mourn over will come.

"A anew bheart also will I cgive you, and a new dspirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony eheart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." ~Ezekiel 36:26

I know that I will be given a new heart, and a new spirit and I will be healed when I meet my Heavenly Father and go home.