If you can't run a 5k then ski it?

I have always put those people who go cross country skiing in the uber fit category. I don't know why. I have just always heard that it is so hard, and it is one of the best physical activities that you can do. blah blah blah...

So when my runner girlfriends suggested an outing I of course said yes without thinking the rest of it through. Oh wait, I don't cross country ski, I think I did the Jr. olympics biathlon in Jr. high? But I took them on their first 5k race, so, I guess, I should go along.

We started out at Waterton Lakes Lodge, where they rent out equipment, $15/day. I forgot my camera so these are stolen from Dixie. That's why she isn't in the picture below.

It was a beautiful day, hardly any wind, which is quite rare. We drove up to Cameron lake. We pulled up and got out and after some discussion on wardrobe and whether too layer or not too layer, I was in cross country skiing boots, and walking with skis to the trail.

It was fascinating the voices in my head where having quite the deliberation.

• What are you doing?
• We don't know how to do this!
• Your friends are going to have to wait for you because your going to be so slow?
• This is dangerous!
• You do not have the stamina to do this.
• This is going to hurt.
• Your going to be stiff in the morning.
• Your going to be cold.
• Your going to be too hot.

But I remembered a quote from John Bradshaw (Creating Love, 1992,pg. 70-71) about voices.

"As a child I was scolded any time I acted proud of myself for my accomplishments. 'Don't get a big head,' some one might say. Or I might be told, 'Watch out. Pride comes before a fall.' I was taught that true humility consists of never talking about yourself, never thinking about your own strengths, and never expressing enjoyment in your own talents.

Now, as an adult whenever I 'm in touch with my own achievements or I'm feeling good about my accomplishments, I hear these voices. Two of my books have been on the New York Times bestseller list 'Healing the Shame that Binds you' for six weeks and 'Homecoming Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child' for fifty-two weeks, twenty-three of them as number one. (A voice just told me that I'm blowing my own horn and that I shouldn't name these books.) When the books hit the bestseller list, I was bombarded with voices that told me to be humble. One told me I was just lucky. Another told me that this couldn't last.

I have worked hard to recognize these voices as foreign to my true self. I try to think of them as one might think of being possessed. I answer them and replace them with new voices, which nurture me and allow me to have confidence and to enjoy my success."

So after quieting the foreign voices, we were off. Oh so unsure of myself, so not trusting this process, thinking maybe I am a snow shoer?

The day was perfect, and while I was slow and the last one and they did have to wait for me even though no one seemed to mind, I really enjoyed myself.

Look at that scenery who couldn't enjoy that?

This is at the lake, we stopped for photo op, and a snack.

The Mountain you see at the end is actually part of the USA. You'll see some tracks on the lake itself, that wasn't us, I have been in that lake in the summer it was cold enough then, I was about to chance it.

So this is my "Profound" thought I had, as you can see in the picture above I am, concentrating pretty hard at the task at hand.

The skiing is much easier if you stay in the tracks when you get out of tracks, it is a lot harder going and you are much more likely to fall. Hence why I am concentrating so hard in staying in the tracks.

But every once in a while I would look up and see the beautiful views, and just be in the moment. But then I would slip a little or get wobbly, and back down my eyes go to the tracks and concentration.

It is the same with our lives, we get so busy, trying to hold it all together, and working so hard at staying in the tracks, that we forget to take moments to look at where we are. I believe that every once in a while, our spirit must just want to rejoice that we are here. I waited a long time to come have this experience, eons in fact, and while waiting I prepared as diligently as I could. I am sure that my spirit is delighted to be here and doing it. I am having my mortal experience, and on days like this where I get to use my physical body and be in the wonderful creations that my Heavenly Father made, with other valiant spirits, I rejoice with it.

P.S. I am actually in Phoenix this week with my husband, can't wait to tell you about it!!!

285-185

285 pounds 185 pounds

You wouldn't think there is a correlation between weighing 285 pounds and a 185 pounds. But I found one yesterday.

When I weighed 285 pounds, I was happy. I thought I was ok, yeah there was this weight issue thing, but I was a good person, I did what I was suppose to do. I had no idea that I could feel all that I feel today. I feel

• confident
• receptive
• fortunate
• gleeful
• jubilant
• courageous
• playful
• spirited
• blessed
• calm
• quiet
• passionate
• fascinated
• enthusiastic
• secure
• ashamed
• doubtful
• hesitant
• vulnerable

Now if you are not female you may at this point think you have got to be kidding me, but no, I am not, I feel all of those things right now. The point is that I feel them, at 285 pounds I thought I felt them, but I was so used to using food as a numbing tool that I could only imagine how the real feelings felt like. If you are not throughly confused by now read on.

I have been losing the fight this week with food, hence being back at my most hated number 187. I have not done anything different than I have for the last 18 months. Lets face it, I have small children in my house and so there is always a little bit of bad food around, but usually it is frozen and placed in ziploc bags ready for lunches. This has been a strategy that has worked in the past. Not for the last two weeks though. Why am I eating? Why am I eating my kid's lunch?

I am still exercising , still journalling, still eating vegetables, still not eating after 7:30 at night. So what has changed, that all of sudden I am eating a lot of things that haven't really been a problem until now??

It's because I feel great, I am great, I am fine here. I have mostly got the health issues that came from being overweight under control, I am eating better than I have ever eaten in my life. It would really be ok if I just stayed at this weight the rest of my life.

BUT

I don't want too. I want to know what being at 155 feels like. This is unimaginable to me. It is just as unimaginable to me, as being here was when I weighed 285 pounds. I also was thinking that I already knew this answer. Remember a few posts ago I wrote that I feel like I wanted to start Lifestyles over again. It is true, I am somewhat starting over again. I am here and here is great, but I want to be at 155. So hopefully this realization will be enough to quiet the secret, soiree with the cookies in the freezer. That and I threw them in the garbage.

Great news

Sara's tests all came back to so normal that her, Nephrologist said we don't have to do anymore tests. Except when we go see the Oncologist, every August, we are still going to have a 24 hour blood pressure test done then, but we only have to do that for two years.

This is such a relief, and load off my shoulders. Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Crying

I need to cry, I know I need to cry, but I can't seem too. I even know the reason I need to cry, I am pretty much a wreck about taking my daughter Sara to the Children's Hospital tomorrow. What usually happens is that I am fine until the night we leave then I sneak up to my parents house and have a good cry with them and lay it all at their feet and walk away. But since they are currently on a mission that is physically not going to happen. I guess I might have to make another trip to the "Garden" tonight.

I have even talked to a couple of friends about it. Saying there is only three options, her Nephrologist (kidney specialist), will do,

1. We will continue doing the currently 24hr blood pressure tests 4 times a year.
2. Results are so great that we don't need to do anymore testing.
3. We need to do more evasive testing.

All of these are still guesses I have no idea what he is going to say. Only 72 more hours and this lack of information will be filled.

In the mean time, I maintained my 100 pounds, this week through all the celebration, and current stress, which I am delighted with.

Monday my children had a snow day and so we made squares, which I ate entirely too many of but that was yesterday and today is today.

I am wound up tighter than ever, and I really need to get it out, because I can't be this way for my daughter. I have to put on the brave face and make this as fun as possibly can be for her. I have done a wonderful job of faking it so far. We have made shopping lists for clothes that she needs, brought nail stuff that we can do, new card game and a new book to read together. It really is times like this where, I kind of wish eating still helped, or just something, I guess I had better get off the computer and go swing a kettlebell for a while. And do some more praying. Thanks for letting me vent!

CELEBRATE

What a great week! There has been so many great moments this week, it has been more than I could have anticipated.

I have decided to give you 5 thoughts on losing a 100 pounds. Yes, I was going to do a 100 but it was stressing me out a little bit, sometimes I have to remind myself that this is my blog, my journey and it doesn't have to be for anyone else, in fact it is only for me.

1) The first thought was in answer to a question I was asked in group. The Question being "So how did you do it? How did you lose a 100 pounds?" My reply

• Accountability, and Authenticity
• Realizing and then Admitting I am an addict
• Hard work and Focus
• Reliance on my Heavenly Father
• Loving myself enough

What we then noticed was not one of these things was an actual physical thing ie only eating so many calories, or exercising so many times a week..

.. it was very interesting.

2) Second thought is my absolute joy in receiving some compliments this week from so many darling and supportive people.

• The first one was from a kind of cowboy rough older gentleman in my ward, he sidled up to me on Sunday after church and said, "So I have been thinking about it for a while and well, How does one going about complimenting you?" I said "Just like that thank you!" And we hugged. Seriously so cute! It is still making me smile.
• The next was from two men with whom I grew up with were talking "like brothers " people they haven't seen me in while and they were so great. "You look beautiful, no really like model beautiful, you just look so different, your so pretty." I guess it meant so much to me because these guys love me no matter what, in real honest no mater what.
• The next one is from a person I admire beyond belief and although she did write me a card she also did this for me on the Main Street of our Home town.

You have got to love the moving showing, it is truly serendipitous!

"True Grit" Yeah baby that is what it takes! I found it unusual to being loving the compliments flying this week. I usually find it difficult to receive compliments but for some reason it was great this week maybe because I feel like I earned it? Or that I was finally of worthy of a compliment? How ridiculous, hopefully practice makes perfect I am going to try harder to accept compliments.

3) This actually happenned a while ago but I haven't had a chance to write about it yet. I can once again wear my wedding ring! I have been married for 17 years. And of all those years I have worn my wedding ring for about 3 or 4. So this is kind of neat thing to be able to do again.

I also can now wear my Husband's band which I prefer because I am just not that flashy of a person.

4) I don't remember where I got this quote but I love it anyway.

You do not have to earn your worth you brought it with you. Nothing you do or do not do will affect your worth. It does not depend on your family of origin your appearance your performance your position or your husbands position or anything else.

Yes losing 100 pounds is a great accomplishment but it does not increase my worth in any way. I have always felt of worth, I believe this comes from a lot of different factors, wonderful parents, faith, and testimony in being a daughter of God.

5) Five, my favourite number, and another favourite quote.

"Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you are sure to succeed." - Abraham Lincoln

I love how he puts this don't let the feeling prey upon you, he doesn't say that you are not going to have bad feelings he only says don't let it get to you. Imagine if I had binged durning my plateau, what would it have done. NOTHING. Only put me behind more. And believe me Abraham Lincoln had a lot more discouragement to deal with than me.

Ok, so other great things this week have been

• Jesse and I going out to lunch together.
• Going cross country skiing with the girls.
• Special phone call from my parents.
• SEEING 185 on the scale.

So all and all a great week, hopefully maintain the 100 pounds which we will see on Tuesday but seriously either way totally worth it. But this is only a stop on the trail to the top. I have to admit the view from here makes me completely astonished, and I can only imagine what the view from the top is going to look like. I see you 155 and I am coming for you.

100

Here are some pictures worth 100 words! I'll write later!

I love myself no matter what, I will continue no matter what.....



Deep breath in, and release.......



Open one eye than another........



AHHHHHHHH, yes yes yes, 100 yes!

AHHHHHH yes yes! I wanted this!!

Oh thank you Linda!

Just want to check it again!

My hero, and friend. She say's "Welcome to the club!"