285-185

285 pounds 185 pounds

You wouldn't think there is a correlation between weighing 285 pounds and a 185 pounds. But I found one yesterday.

When I weighed 285 pounds, I was happy. I thought I was ok, yeah there was this weight issue thing, but I was a good person, I did what I was suppose to do. I had no idea that I could feel all that I feel today. I feel

• confident
• receptive
• fortunate
• gleeful
• jubilant
• courageous
• playful
• spirited
• blessed
• calm
• quiet
• passionate
• fascinated
• enthusiastic
• secure
• ashamed
• doubtful
• hesitant
• vulnerable

Now if you are not female you may at this point think you have got to be kidding me, but no, I am not, I feel all of those things right now. The point is that I feel them, at 285 pounds I thought I felt them, but I was so used to using food as a numbing tool that I could only imagine how the real feelings felt like. If you are not throughly confused by now read on.

I have been losing the fight this week with food, hence being back at my most hated number 187. I have not done anything different than I have for the last 18 months. Lets face it, I have small children in my house and so there is always a little bit of bad food around, but usually it is frozen and placed in ziploc bags ready for lunches. This has been a strategy that has worked in the past. Not for the last two weeks though. Why am I eating? Why am I eating my kid's lunch?

I am still exercising , still journalling, still eating vegetables, still not eating after 7:30 at night. So what has changed, that all of sudden I am eating a lot of things that haven't really been a problem until now??

It's because I feel great, I am great, I am fine here. I have mostly got the health issues that came from being overweight under control, I am eating better than I have ever eaten in my life. It would really be ok if I just stayed at this weight the rest of my life.

BUT

I don't want too. I want to know what being at 155 feels like. This is unimaginable to me. It is just as unimaginable to me, as being here was when I weighed 285 pounds. I also was thinking that I already knew this answer. Remember a few posts ago I wrote that I feel like I wanted to start Lifestyles over again. It is true, I am somewhat starting over again. I am here and here is great, but I want to be at 155. So hopefully this realization will be enough to quiet the secret, soiree with the cookies in the freezer. That and I threw them in the garbage.