Why Barefoot??

WHY BAREFOOT????
Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

285-185









285 pounds 185 pounds

You wouldn't think there is a correlation between weighing 285 pounds and a 185 pounds. But I found one yesterday.

When I weighed 285 pounds, I was happy. I thought I was ok, yeah there was this weight issue thing, but I was a good person, I did what I was suppose to do. I had no idea that I could feel all that I feel today. I feel
  • confident
  • receptive
  • fortunate
  • gleeful
  • jubilant
  • courageous
  • playful
  • spirited
  • blessed
  • calm
  • quiet
  • passionate
  • fascinated
  • enthusiastic
  • secure
  • ashamed
  • doubtful
  • hesitant
  • vulnerable
Now if you are not female you may at this point think you have got to be kidding me, but no, I am not, I feel all of those things right now. The point is that I feel them, at 285 pounds I thought I felt them, but I was so used to using food as a numbing tool that I could only imagine how the real feelings felt like. If you are not throughly confused by now read on.

I have been losing the fight this week with food, hence being back at my most hated number 187. I have not done anything different than I have for the last 18 months. Lets face it, I have small children in my house and so there is always a little bit of bad food around, but usually it is frozen and placed in ziploc bags ready for lunches. This has been a strategy that has worked in the past. Not for the last two weeks though. Why am I eating? Why am I eating my kid's lunch?

I am still exercising , still journalling, still eating vegetables, still not eating after 7:30 at night. So what has changed, that all of sudden I am eating a lot of things that haven't really been a problem until now??

It's because I feel great, I am great, I am fine here. I have mostly got the health issues that came from being overweight under control, I am eating better than I have ever eaten in my life. It would really be ok if I just stayed at this weight the rest of my life.

BUT

I don't want too. I want to know what being at 155 feels like. This is unimaginable to me. It is just as unimaginable to me, as being here was when I weighed 285 pounds. I also was thinking that I already knew this answer. Remember a few posts ago I wrote that I feel like I wanted to start Lifestyles over again. It is true, I am somewhat starting over again. I am here and here is great, but I want to be at 155. So hopefully this realization will be enough to quiet the secret, soiree with the cookies in the freezer. That and I threw them in the garbage.

5 comments:

  1. Thank for writing that post - I am in the exact same place(I want to know how that is possible????!) - I want to scream and sigh all at the same time - and start over, and have that conviction - where is the conviction? I know it is in me - bigggger sigh - ahhh - we might need a club meeting ( haha) call me - need to chat - but I don't really want to talk about it???? What the. . . . . . Love ya - thanx for understanding this comment! Yowsers!

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  2. Sometimes it's just hanging on during the storm isn't it? I think we usually get what we want if we want it bad enough! I think you want it bad enough, it's coming, stay on the path!!
    Oh what do I know? I know you're doing great!!
    Ya Barb!!!

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  3. I have times where I have to just toss stuff to. LIke all that valentines day crap we had given to us as gifts and such just sitting in our house that I tossed when I got home today since i will be all by myself all weekend when not at work.

    Starting over, or renewing your mindset can give that extra push to get back on track.

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  4. Oh Barbie!!!!!!! You just have to get through this rut and things will progress again. It happens to everyone. Just keep your head in the game and keep pressing forward. You can do it, I know you can!!!! Love ya Rayla

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  5. Throwing away perfectly yummy food is not easy to do. I wish I could be so strong.

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