Why Barefoot??

Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Nurturing does not equal food.

I need some help. I am currently constructing a list of ways to nurture my children without food. So I need idea's on how to do this, and as one of my sisters says "The best idea is a lot of ideas."

So far I have come up with
Let them help me clean or clean with them.
Read a book.
Make a play fort.
Go on a walk.
Do their hair.
Listen to them.

Where is this coming from??? Well I found a deep hidden belief last week. The belief is that when I want to take care of something I feed it. You can see that for a food addict this is a belief that needs to be change or rewired. And of course that takes me back to one of my favourite quotes.

"How to change; Change your THINKING, which will change your FEELINGS, which will change your, ACTIONS which will change your LIFE."

So in order to change or rewire this belief, I am starting a list of ways I can nurture not only my children but other people in general. I believe by having a physical list to look at will help me change my Thinking and so on.

I have also started a new practice. When I am doing an activity that is suppose to be nurturing to myself I actually say it out loud.

"I am nurturing myself right now by................."
Some of the activities have been going for a walk, taking a bath in the morning, turning on music, sitting out on the porch, reading a page of a book. All of this nurturing talk reminded me of another quote.

"You do not have to earn your worth you brought it with you. Nothing you do or do not do will affect your worth. It does not depend on your family of origin your appearance your performance your position or your husbands position or anything else."

I think I got this from my sweet Mother-in-law. The thing I love about this quote is that I feel like it gives me permission to nurture myself. I don't have to earn anything, I have already brought it with me. Now that doesn't mean I don't set goals and reward myself for accomplishing them. But I can just randomly nurture myself any time. In fact I am really good at nurturing myself, I just used to do it with food. Hence why I weighed 285 pounds. I just need to remember to nurture myself in other ways now. I know, I know, the food is a really convenient, easy access way to do that, but it wasn't and isn't really working for me. So we are going to program other things in there.

Mean while the marathon training is coming along. Ran a total of 19 miles last week broken into 3, 5, 3, and 8. This week I will run a total of 21 miles. The mileage is starting to add up, my body is feeling it. I have decided to use the train of thought that my body is getting strong. If I wasn't feeling it then it wouldn't be getting stronger, so I need to feel some pain in order for my body to get stronger.

I have also constructed two mental video's one of my favourite runs and the other of what it will be like to finish the marathon. I keep practicing running them through my head. I have also used this in my weight loss. I have made a mental video of me turning down dessert, food that I really don't want, even just enjoying the healthy food, or good portion sizes of food. I have made video's of times when I have felt in control of the food addiction that I have. I am currently working on a video of when I reach my goal weight of 155. The way I make these video's is by journaling the scenes. If it is one that has happened I write down what I was wearing, what was the smell, how did I feel, who was with me, where was I, how did I get out of the situation? If it is one that hasn't happened I do the same thing only a little more general like I will be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I also try and focus more on the feelings. I just made these this week so I will try to remember to report back to you on how they are doing.

The other thing that helped me last week was something that Linda said. I was whining to her about how hard it is right now because I don't really need to lose weight but I want to. I said it seems like it was easier when I needed to lose weight because I was unhealthy it was dangerous and I wanted to be there for my kids. Linda said nope she said the "Want" is way more important than the "Need". I found out last week that, is completely true. I haven't really wanted to lose weight in a while. I wanted to enjoy my birthday, I wanted to finish the 1/2 marathon. But last week I wanted to lose weight and I did. So it is a interesting question to ask yourself. If you really really want something, what hidden agenda is keeping you from it? It is never easy to get something you want. You will have to change a lot of comfortable things in order to get it, but you and Heavenly Father will work it out, and maybe move a few mountains in the mean while. Remember you are never alone. If you have prayed and received an answer that your "want" is a righteous desire, then put every energy you have into obtaining that which the Lord will provide for you. No matter how hard, or how long, you only fail when you give up trying.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

The rest of the story

I have never enjoyed a race more than that of last Saturday. Didn't get up until 6:30, ate a good breakfast, oatmeal, and Gatorade. Brother picked up my daughter and I, left the rest of the kids home because my dear sweet sister was at my house, so I didn't have worry about my kids.

Got there said hello to hubby, siblings, and friends. Then lined up for the race, and I didn't know there was a special lady there to shoot the starting pistal. Her name is Lori Morrison, I remember Lori from my youth as one of those women who ran long distances, she was one of the first people to plant the question in my head, "Could I do that?"

And just like that we were off, for me the first part of the race is always daunting, so I often have to think one foot in front of the other one foot in front of the other. I had previously decided to not turn on the music until mile 3, I don't why, maybe to give me something to look forward too?

We come to the first water station, and my friends Jim and Anita are there. Jim and Anita are also on the way to choosing a healthier lifestyle. Last year Anita and I were at Stake Young Women's camp together and she climbed Table Mountain the best she could, it was one of the most inspiring things I have ever seen. They are also good friends with my in-laws and are the kind of friends that help you out in a pinch. I pass by, they give me Gatorade and good cheer. My brother David darts ahead, this is his game plan the whole time, he will run at his pace which is a lot faster than mine and then walk for a while until I catch up to him in which we compare what is hurting and who is at the water stations, and what music we are listening too. I love him beyond measure. He has always made it very easy for me to picture my other "Brother", and how he would give his life for me.

At mile two, is a heart break. It is Jesse's cousin manning the water station, her mother passed away from cancer over three years ago and she is the reason that the race was started to raise funds for cancer. I think about Aunt Karen, how she actually in some way is still fighting her battle with cancer, because of this race, only in she is doing it in our Heavenly Home. Jocelyn her lovely, smilie, and humours daughter gives me Gatorade and encouragement.

Mile three, music on, and another good friend, Kim Weston. She actually leaves her water station and runs to me, grabs my hand as we both cry and run toward the water station. She was training for this run, but got hurt which put her out. She was also best friends with my Aunt Karen, and helped her through the end of her days. Her daughter hands me Gatorade and smiles cheerfully. I take careful sips, toss it in the white garbage bucket, and look ahead. Only to see my darling sister-in-law snapping photos at the top of the next hill. She has my job this year I am usually the one taking photos, I try to keep my eyes open, only to remember that I am wearing sun glasses. But the smile is easy for the picture. I can't believe I am really doing this. I am here running this 1/2 marathon, instead of being on sidelines behind a camera. Oh thank you, Heavenly Father for my body, thank you for your help, love, and commitment to me. I could not have done it without you. We get the first pass by of my brother in law who has his truck full of kids who are all yelling out the window "Go, Go, Go!"

Mile four is a reminder of how quickly life can change. Also, that what every happens to you, you always have the choice of how to respond to it. At this water station are two relatives, one who has just finished another round of Chemotherapy, and Aunt June. The first has worked all his life to provide for his family. I imagine he also wanted to retire and be the Grandpa he always wanted to be, his goals now might include seeing his children married? He is jovial, I have never seen him without a smile on his face. Aunt June is one of the most positive people I know, and also has been through more heartache than I can imagine some of which includes loss of a husband, and family. I believe that she chooses every day to get out of bed, and put a smile on her face, she chooses to serve others in any way she can. It reminds me of an experience I had while my daughter Sara was in the Children's Hospital in the Oncology unit. There was another mom there with her son who was receiving Chemo, I attempted to make conversation with her and she shot me down big time. Her mother over heard the whole thing and said to me after "Please forgive her, she isn't dealing very well right now." Of course, who could blame her, she has more right than anyone else for being bitter. But then I meet another mom, who choose to take the other way and stay positive through the whole thing and actually find ways to help serve others while she and her daughter were there. And for the first time, I realize happiness, joy, peace, they are choices, not just feelings or things that happen to you. I am reminded that I choose these things too and some of those choices have brought me here running on a black top pavement toward a goal that I have worked very hard to succeed at. My brother in law has parked the truck with the kids sitting on the tailgate all cheering for everybody but they get louder for their Uncle David and I. I wish I had a camera but can't imagine the extra weight.

Mile five I am met by an old boss who, has given so much for our little community. He has worked most of his life to help our community with recreation activities to help keep us as fit as we would allow ourselves to become. I imagine when I was working with him I probably weighed anywhere from 230 to 250lbs. I look at him as he hands me Gatorade and say would you ever imagined I could or would do this?? He smiles his darling smile and giggles and little, and before he answers I am off again. Here I run into my Gen who is taking pictures of me, I yell at her "What are you doing your suppose to be at a conferance?" She yells back "I am going, but first I have to take these beautiful pictures of you. You are doing so great!" I love her, she is married to my friend Nathan that I mentioned later. I love it when your friends marry people that make you like them more. (Sorry Nate but it is true.)

Mile six at this point I have run across the highway a few times to give high fives to friends of my who are already on their way home, I am yelling and cheering for those on there way home. This is the great thing about this sport, yeah is competitive but the competition is between you the road, and your beliefs it rarely involves other human beings. I see my childhood friend Nathan who started training for this race three years ago because his brother in law was going through cancer. I am pretty sure he has run every year. You should check out his blog by clicking on his name. I think about his journey, and I am once again amazed at the abilities of the human spirit and body combined can do. I see my sister in law the one that took me to Boston with her, and love her so much and only want the best things in life for her, I am so grateful that for the moment she is living close. I also pass my brother in law Terry but I don't recognize him in time for a high five, I am delighted he is running today it is his first time. I imagine he must need the release because he has been at the children's hospital a lot lately with his son Rafe I hope that this race can be somewhat healing for him. David and I are running together when we see our sister Pam she is cruising, we dart across the highway again for another high five.
At this water station is a long time friend, well actually I went to school with his son, but I would still consider him a friend. He is an honest to goodness cowboy. The kind that might not wear wranglers all the time but has put his heart and soul into working the land and raising cattle. These really are a vanishing breed, he is always one of my favourite people to see anywhere, and always has a smile waiting for me just like he does now as he hands me some Gatorade. I feel like he is proud of me and what I am doing but also a little worried just like my Dad might be. I think he offers me a way out of running the rest of race but I can't really remember. It has started to rain, but I don't seem to notice, or if I do my mental training of "Hello rain come and run with me today" has kicked in so it hasn't really registered. I am at the turn around and start heading for home "Wow this has been fun so far I am not feeling anything I feel great" I think to myself. I dart across the road to tell the lady behind me how proud I am of her and how great she is doing she smiles and says thank you I am sure she thinks I am a crackpot. But oh well it made me feel good.

Mile seven comes and it is the Ranchers wife, I say to her "Are you surprised to see me?" she laughs and says of course not. I take the Gatorade and keep going. Mile eight seems to take forever the wind has picked up and it seems to be pushing me around a little, I start to feel tired for the first time. David has picked up speed he is way ahead right now. I start to self talk "Mile eight that is bull crap you just ran ten miles last week you are not tired at mile eight if you want to be tired you can be tired at mile 11. Ok I say, I am guess I am not tired."

David is waiting for me at the water station at mile eight but he is stretching out his calves, I yell at him without really slowing down, "Is that serious or are you just waiting for me?" he doesn't really say anything I am concerned for him. At this water station is my old boss again because his dear sweet wife has decided to walk with the person who is in last place that makes me want to cry. But she is exactly like that, she is one of the angels of quiet service. I believe these people will have the biggest mansions in heaven. I feel renewed by my self talk that I am not tired. I start to notice the traffic going by. I try and think of what they are thinking. Are they annoyed that they have to slow down a little? Are they in awe that I would ever think to accomplish such a task? Are they wondering what would ever posses a person to run this far in the rain? Are they inspired? Do they get the question planted in their head "Could I ever do that?" Uncle Barry drives by honks unrolls his window, asks "Do you want a ride?" I smile and shake my head no. "Do you want a chocolate bar?" I laugh and say "Not yet!"

Mile nine is windy, cold, and more rain. I get to the water station with Cousin Dick and Aunt June. Cousin Dick has brought donuts, he is so cute, the thought of eating one makes me sick. Aunt June is in the truck so I go and knock on the window. She then gets out of the truck (I didn't mean for that to happen) she gives me a big hug and tells me I am doing great.

The thing that really gets me to mile ten is that I know at the top of that hill I can see the Temple. The favourite primary song wanders over my thoughts as I run.
I love to see the Temple
I am going there some day
to feel the holy spririt
to listen and to pray
for the Temple is a house of God
a place of love and beauty
I'll prepared myself while I am young
this is my scared duty.
I feel extremely blessed to have grown up and live so close to a Temple. I am again so grateful for all those people in my life who have helped me prepare myself while I was young. I am reminded how my body is a Temple and a house for my spirit, and how it has been prepared for this moment. The tiredness is gone. I see Kim again at this water station she again runs out to meet me, tells me she is proud of me. I grab some Gatorade, and keep going. I do see the Temple and the corner for the last couple of miles home. I don't know how to explain my next friend that cycles by to you, he loves biking as much as I love running, he and I struggle with food addiction, he is an athlete with other commitments, and is working very hard at trying to balance things out. I always feel connected to him.

Mile eleven, my sister, sister in law, and brother in law drive by with all our kids. There are hands, hollers, and hoorays failing out each window. I love them, they love me, I feel like a superhero/Olympian. They make a couple more rounds. I come again to my cousin Jocelyn, at this water station she hands me water and smiles. I am distracted because the cheering convoy is parked around the corner, and I am wondering why? As I turn the corner for the last 2.1 miles my sister Pam jumps out of the car, and starts running with us. Yes she is already done the race and has come back to run the rest with David and I. I tell her she is crazy, I would love to cry, and tell her thank you, but it is not in me right now. For the first time David mentions that we are on track to finish under three hours, my heart skips a beat, which is kind of dangerous to do at this point. I lift my head, I really don't know how to feel. I am exhilarated at the thought of finishing under three hours but also reminding myself that what ever happens I will love myself. Another friend cycles up, I keep trying to get to know her better, but other things get in the way. She too is an athlete with other commitments right now. She tells me to stand up straighter, and I do. I tell her I am doing great and don't hurt anywhere, she says "Well then get moving it isn't a race unless it hurts." I tell her to go tell my husband I want a kiss at the end. She says ok and zooms off.

Water station 12 is alone, it seems fitting, I take water telling myself that I can drink the whole cup if I want. I tell David and Pam that I am going to walk to the next approach and then run. David looks at his watch and says "@#$!, no we are going to make this thing under three hours." I look at him, throw down my cool drink of water and start running again. It is us, the three amigo's trotting down the highway.

We turn the corner for home, I choke back a gasp of tears, I increase the length of my stride I will myself to get there, I will myself to go faster. All of sudden there is my sister-in law, with my nephew Rafe who runs out to me for a high five, he gives me strength, go faster. There is my mother in law, "Good Job!", she gives me strength, go faster. I feel it, I feel the running blood rushing through my veins, it feels like I sprint to the finish line. There wild amounts of applause. I get my plush towel. I stop smiling only to realize that my face is frozen in a smile. I am finished. I get hugs, hand shakes, and hails. My old boss hugs me, "Did I ever think it was possible of course I thought it was possible." After I demand a hug and a kiss from Jesse I head inside. Barry is there with a spread of runners delight. I head for the hot chocolate, I tell Barry, thank you and give him a hug. I want to tell him I am waiting for him. I am waiting for Barry to be ready to start his journey. I will continue to wait, because if there is anything I have learned it is that no matter what I do, I do not want to take away anyone's agency to do miraculous things for them selves. And that is the rest of the story ,well almost.

My sisters, brother, and their spouses are all in the gym with our rowdy kids running a muck. I am on a different plane.

I am peaceful.

P.S. If I have quoted you wrong or missed you in this post I am sorry but that is how I remembered it and heavens knows my memory isn't the best. Please forgive me.