Why Barefoot??

Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

My friend

Dear friend in the mirror:
Just thought I would send you this note, to remind you that you are of worth. Just you. You are not your bad food choices, or your lack of exercise, those are only things. You are of worth. Remember this quote you wrote a while ago.

"You do not have to earn your worth you brought it with you. Nothing you do or do not do will affect your worth. It does not depend on your family of origin your appearance your performance your position or your husbands position or anything else."

Nothing you do or don't do will affect your worth.

You have always been and will always be a daughter of God. He loves you, He is not disappointed,or frustrated He just Loves you.

Remember when you talked to Linda today about Shame vs Guilt.
Shame = I am a bad person because I made a bad choice.
Guilt = I made a bad choice.
Feel guilty but move on. Remember to acknowledge, accept and then love yourself again.

I am a little disappointed that you are not taking care of yourself right now. I need you to show me that you can make better food choices. You can make better food choices, we need you to make better food choices. Please make better food choices.

I love you, remember that I always love you. Remember that you are of Worth, and your food choices, weight loss or gain, don't change that.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ok so

Don't know why I haven't been posting here. As I sit here staring at the keyboard, I am experiencing some feelings of being scared, frustrated, lonely, and tired. My last weigh in was 182, I am pretty sure that is what I weighed a year ago. I could go look it up but I am too lazy.

Deep breath, just keep typing.

I am frustrated, that I have stopped losing weight. I am frustrated that I lack the commitment, to lose the last 20 pounds. I am frustrated that I will not be obtaining this last goal for 2011. Really to lose 20 pounds in a year shouldn't be this hard of a project. I am also frustrated that I am frustrated, because it is not like I am not happy about losing the other 103 pounds that is great. BUT I want to be over there not here. Here is great but it is not where I want to be.

I am tired of this addiction. I am tired of the fight. I am tired of letting myself down. I am tired of feeling that I am letting everybody else down.

Terrified of gaining more weight back. I have been between 175-183 for a year. I don't really know how I feel about it. Good - hey you have maintained for a year that is great. Bad - hey that isn't where we wanted to stop so wassss up?

This battle makes me feel lonely. Nobody else knows that I ate two jelly beans , a piece of cake, and bowl of chips. Nobody else cares that I ate that either. I know I know I know just forgive your self and move on do better next time. But I hate next time. I want to do better now. I am lonely for the feeling I get when I hit new lower numbers. I want that feeling back. I miss that feeling. I am lonely for myself, after spending up to 4 hours a week with myself, God and the road while training for the marathon, I find that I really miss being quiet and being with myself. I have yet to find something to replace that.

This may sound worse than it is, I am fine.