Why Barefoot??

Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

So I am totally going to run my 1/2 marathon, I am so, eager, elated, and emotional over the whole thing. It is exactly one week to go. I am also glad this next week is going to be very busy because it will help with the nerves. I went to the temple last night and was reminded of some blessings I have specifically to "run and not be weary, and walk and not faint." (D&C 89:20)

I found a talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat I went to in May. I am posting it hear so I can remember it better.

I have left writing this too late I don’t know what to tell you or what to say so I will just begin with what I know. I have known some of these things my whole life and some I have learned and even some I am still learning about.

I know
That I have a heavenly Father who loves me beyond human understanding.
That I have a brother who died that I might live again.
That I am a child of God.
That I have noble birthright.
That I am a queen in training, that the blood that coursing through my body is noble.
That “if I should serve him who has created me from the beginning, and is preserving me from day to day, by lending me breath, that I may live and move and do according to my will” (Mosiah 2:21) That if I should serve him with all of my soul I would be an unprofitable servant.

I know that there was a war in heaven before I came to earth and a lot of the reason for that war was agency.
I know I was on the right side.
I know I earned the right to be on this earth and have the most precious of gifts. A physical body a “a tabernacle of flesh – a temple for my spirit.” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, You are a Child of God, July 2008)
“The body is sacred. It was created in the image of God. It is something to be cared for and used for good purposes. It ought to be taken care of…” (The body is sacred Pres. Hinckley New Era Nov. 2006)

President Hinckley said, “I marvel at the miracle of the human mind and body. Have you ever contemplated the wonders of yourself, the eyes with which you see, the ears with which you hear, the voice with which you speak? No camera ever built can compare with the human eye. No method of communication ever devised can compare with the voice and the ear. No pump ever built will run as long or as efficiently as the human heart. No computer or other creation of science can equal the human brain. What a remarkable thing you are. You can think by day and dream by night. You can speak and hear and smell. Look at your finger. The most skillful attempt to reproduce it mechanically has resulted in only a crude approximation. The next time you use your finger, watch it, look at it, and sense the wonder of it.”

When I read this I thought about my babies, I used to watch with wonder as they first discovered their hands. They would hold them at eye level and open and shut them and wiggle their fingers looking at them with a kind of wonder. Or perhaps thinking still to their unveiled spirit “I’m here I made it”.

With any gift comes the responsibility to care for and be a steward over it.

Let’s pretend for a moment I got a new calling to care for the temple building. I would consider this a huge calling; I would check and recheck systems; I would not let anything unworthy or useless enter the temple, if it did I would remove it immediately.

And yet, I have been given a “temple or tabernacle of the spirit” and I feed the systems useless things, I have not kept up the repairs as diligently as a worthy steward should. The Lord has said, “Yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples; and whatsoever temple is defiled, God shall destroy that temple.”(D&C 93:35) How grateful I am for the “Atonement of Jesus Christ” that even though in my own opinion I have defiled my temple I can repent I can improve I can clean out the systems “literally” I can stop letting the useless things in my temple. I am in a restoration period of my temple although I feel like I have been rededicated already.

Elder Bednar gave a Devotional Address at Rick’s College in January 2000, but it is found in the Ensign September 2001 issue it is called “Ye are the temple of God”. Now the context of his talk is concerning the use of Internet and other technological things. I would urge all to read and reread this important talk. At first he shares three reasons we came to earth to gain a physical body.

Reason no. 1. Obtaining a tabernacle of flesh is an essential step in the process of becoming like our Heavenly Father. Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, depth, and intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate. As President Boyd K. Packer, acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has taught, “Our physical body is the instrument of our spirit” (Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled [1991], 211). Thus, our relationships with other people, our capacity to recognize and respond to truth, and our ability to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ are amplified through our physical bodies. In this classroom of mortality we experience tenderness, kindness, happiness, sorrow, disappointment, pain, and even the challenges of physical limitations in ways that prepare us for eternity. Simply stated, there are lessons we must learn and experiences we must have, as the scriptures describe, “according to the flesh” (1 Ne. 19:6; Alma 7:12–13).
Reason no. 2. Our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son are, by nature, creators. As the sons and daughters of God, we have the potential to become like Them. The Father and the Son have entrusted us with a portion of Their creative power and provided specific guidelines for the proper use of that sacred ability to create life and establish an eternal family. How we feel about and use that sacred power in this life will determine in large measure whether additional creative power will be ours in the life to come.
Reason no. 3. As we attempt to answer the question about why we are here on the earth, we usually consider receiving a physical body and being tested as two related but separate parts of the answer. However, an essential part of the test of mortality is having and properly using a physical body. Please consider carefully the following statement by President Brigham Young (1801–77):
“The spirit is pure, and under the special control and influence of the Lord, but the body is of the earth, and is subject to the power of the Devil, and is under the mighty influence of that fallen nature that is of the earth. If the spirit yields to the body, the Devil then has power to overcome the body and spirit of that man, and he loses both.
“Recollect, brethren and sisters, every one of you, that when evil is suggested to you, when it arises in your hearts, it is through the temporal organization. When you are tempted, buffeted, and step out of the way inadvertently; when you are overtaken in a fault, or commit an overt act unthinkingly; when you are full of evil passion, and wish to yield to it, then stop and let the spirit, which God has put into your tabernacles, take the lead. If you do that, I will promise that you will overcome all evil, and obtain eternal lives. But many, very many, let the spirit yield to the body, and are overcome and destroyed” (Discourses of Brigham Young, sel. John A. Widtsoe [1941], 70).
In 2 Nephi 2:26–29 [2 Ne. 2:26–29] we read:
“And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.
“Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.
“And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit;
“And not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom.”
Neither passage asserts that the physical body is inherently evil. Rather, they teach that we live in a fallen world. The very elements out of which our bodies were created are by nature fallen and ever subject to the pull of sin, corruption, and death. Thus, the Fall of Adam and its consequences affect us most directly through our physical bodies. And yet as President Young stated, we are dual creatures, for at the same time that we inhabit a physical body that is subject to the Fall, we also have a spirit that represents the eternal part of us. We are the spirit sons and daughters of God and have inherited divine qualities from Him. The precise nature of the test of mortality, then, can be summarized in the following questions: Will my body rule over my spirit, or will my spirit rule over my body? Will I yield to the enticings of the natural man or to the eternal man? That, brothers and sisters, is the test. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to learn to bridle all of the passions of the flesh (see Alma 38:12).

I found the scripture he quotes about bridling all of the passions of the flesh interesting, and I applied it mightily to my habits of overeating. I also found the whole scripture in Alma 38:12 very interesting.
12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

Some people might not know what or how a bridle works. They might simple know that it is used on a horse. A bridle is put in the most sensitive part of the horse's mouth so when it is pulled just a little this way or that the horse immediately feels it. There is not a horse alive who doesn't feel the bridle and bit when it is on his face and in his mouth. It is supposed to be a little uncomfortable so the horse will stay focused.

We too will be able to stay focused as we bridle our passions and we will stay focused on the rod of iron instead of being lead this way or that. And yes bridling your passions will be uncomfortable. Life is not meant to be a cake walk, but we are meant to find "joy in the journey" not fun in the trip.

The next part of the scripture "that ye may be filled with love" also hit me. Think about how fun it is to ride a horse, a really good horse. A horse who doesn't fight you all the way, think how much easier you appreciate and love an animal like that. You want to use that horse more when you know you can trust it because when you ride him it often it feels like you are one.

I think this might be the same with God, in bridling our passion's in completely lending our wills to God's will and letting him take hold of the reins, how much more will He be able to love and appreciate us. How much more will He be able to use us. And the more He uses us the more we will have His love.

This was an "aha" moment for me. I find the more I bridle my passion for over eating and take away that crutch, I have turned more to my Heavenly Father and begged for more love, more patience, more temperance, more peace, more strength to overcome, and finally more Savior like thee. I have been filled with not only love but also strength beyond my human capacity.
Could it possibly be that in bridle this passion of mine I have opened another avenue of love for my savior and father to help and love me? Yes I know that it is true.

Corthinans 6:19-20 states
19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
  20 For ye are abought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

This was a wonderful thought to me I can love God’s temple I can take care of God’s temple that he has loaned me. I have been bought with a high price, the price of blood of every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane, the sacrifice of God’s son, my brother, the only perfect being on earth. Will I pay down the debt? Surely as I attempt he will provide ways to do so.

One of my favorite scriptures since I have become a parent is found in Matthew 7: 7-11

7 ¶ aAsk, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
  8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
  9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
  10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
  11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

I know how much I love my children; I know how much I want them to succeed. And if I being evil know how to give good gifts then really how much more shall my all knowing all seeing Father in Heaven give good things to them that ask.

So here I am on earth, finally understanding and loving my temple, then why do I keep failing once in a while?

This was another moment for me, while pondering this question I went back to the war the very first war that we know about the war in heaven, and I thought about the loser. Yes Satan, his punishment, he has no body.

Sister Susan W. Tanner in the November 2005, Ensign, says this about him.
Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect.

Satan doesn't want me to take care of this body, he wants me to defile it in any way, he wants me to despise it, he wants me to think poorly of myself, he wants to physically disable me so I cannot continue to do the Lord’s will.
Some of that is because
“Our physical bodies look like our spirit bodies. After we die and are resurrected, our bodies will be made perfect. They will be healthy and strong. Anything that was wrong with our bodies while we were alive on earth will be corrected. We will each look like our own best self.” (Diane Mangum, Jehovah and the Wonderful Plan of Our Heavenly Father, January 2010.)

I believe that after we die we are essentially the same people only that our feelings are intensified, so if we are not pleased or think badly about about ourselves now how hard will it be to correct those feelings when we die?

7 For as he athinketh in his heart, so is he:… Proverbs 23:7

As we continue to love and take care of our temples inside and out we will be able to more correctly align ourselves with God’s purpose for us on earth. This is my truest wish and pray.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Game plan

Ok so lost three pounds this week so great. I go to see the Dr. about my foot tomorrow morning. If he says that I am not going to wreck my foot forever if I run on it, then this will be my game plan, lay off of it till the race and then take IBF before the race and maybe tape it and go for it. My foot right now feels fine which is good news it doesn't hurt at all, but that also makes it kind of hard because it makes me want to go for a run.

Here are some great insights I figured out, while being so sad that I can't run right now.

First grumpy statement:"AHH I can't believe this is happening I have put my whole summer into this."
Reply "What would you have rather done this summer, at least you got to see the sun rise on every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday of this summer what else would you have gotten up to do?"

2nd grumpy statement: "Great now losing the weight is going to be harder."
Reply "Ahhh no it isn't because you had already lost about 50 pounds before you started training for the 1/2 marathon. And actually you will probably lose more because you can concentrate on the food your eating a little better when you are not so tired."

3rd grumpy statement "What if I can't run anymore?"
Reply Then I will find something else to do. I run, but the run doesn't run me. (ohh that is a fancy statement!)

It is back to school time almost, and that makes me sad. I love having my kids around, not enough to do homeschooling, but I really miss just being able to pick up and go when it is hot outside, or when I want to do something. It also makes my schedule crazy. My kids get on the bus about 7:20 am. Which means they need to be out of bed and moving by 6:25am. Which means if I want to have anything done in the morning before everyone wakes up I have got to be up by 5:30am. Which makes me want to go to bed and sleep in again. So I am going to. I'll write tomorrow about the Dr. wish me luck, or better yet pray for me.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I don't have a title for this post. I am feeling frustrated with myself for one thing I ran 12 miles on Saturday and I haven't even written about it. 12 miles. Not everybody in the whole world runs 12 miles at one time. But I did it. Nobody but me put one foot in front of the other. I guess some of the reason I haven't written about it was that it was hard. When I ran 11 miles it felt fantastic after ward. So I really don't understand why adding an extra mile (5,280 feet, 1,760 yards, 1.61 kilometres, or 1,609.344 metres), would make as big a difference as it did. Did I just not eat enough carbs the day before? Did I not hydrate properly? Did I choose a poor route?

While running it I remember blogging about the run in my head I think I was even going to call it "Blogging while jogging", because I was having so much fun. Saw a lot of of my "beeps", which was encouraging. While on the road I met up with one of my heros, Bonnie. Well actually she met up with me and we chatted for a while and then she ran away. She again doesn't have any idea previous to this that she is one of my heros. But I have marked her runs for years. Honestly I always remember watching her run on the highway thinking "I can't believe she can do that, do you really think she will make it all the way home?" "I wonder how she does that?" I did tell her all of this of course and of course she was very nice about it, but I don't know if she really understood it. That she really is one of the reason's I was out on the highway that day.

The run continued to be grand, got to town did my little loop de loop around UFA, still felt ok, then started running toward the Temple, and all of a sudden it was hard, I just didn't have it in me any more hard. I started thinking about the race I am about to run on Sept 4. My whole family is running it I have 4 of my siblings running the 5K and me and my sister will run the Half marathon, I also have a sister in law who will run the full marathon. I started thinking what that will feel like to cross the finish line, and immediately started crying which is hard to do when you are running so I stopped quickly. When I got to the Temple I walked half a block but it didn't really help I just started thinking "come on let's get this thing over with." So I started running again. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, I tried to conjure up some world problem like " How can I solve world hungry and world obesity at the same time?", but nothing helped.

And then I hit a hill, while planning this route I knew there would be a slight incline toward the end the run but now facing it I would definitely call it a hill. While almost at the top of the hill my left foot started aching with every push off the cement. It hurt below the ankle and forward a bit, it really really really hurt. I knew I wasn't going to walk I knew I was going to finish but I all of sudden didn't know if I would be able to finish a 1/2 marathon. I knew at the end of this run I would need to cry.

I finished. I sat on my in-law's lawn and chatted with my mother in law, I took a phone call from my husband and then drove home. When I got home I limbed to my favourite chair in my living room held my Maggie and cried. I cried because it hurt, I cried because I was tired, I cried because I was scared that this might be it, I cried because I was mad, and then just kept crying because I was crying.

I iced it, I wrapped it, I put every kind of ointment on it. I rested after volunteering for a couple of hours at a local museum, and when I went to bed that night it still hurt.

The next morning it didn't hurt as bad, and me being vain wore high heels to church which didn't help it much. I wrapped for the rest of the day.

Today I didn't wrap it but I didn't go for a run either, I had to phone and discuss this with several people before I actually did it. I don't know why but I have this belief that if I don't follow the training schedule to the "T" I won't be able to finish the half marathon. This bothers me, that I believe this. It bothers me that I need 10 other peoples opinion before I decide to do what my body and brain are telling me to do. Will there every be a point in my life where I won't need to ask someone something before I go and do it? When oh when will I ever be able to trust myself? My own judgement?

I know that when it comes to food it will be along time before I can do that or maybe never. But I digress, tomorrow, I am going to run 2 miles hard and fast, and if the foot hurts I will go to the Dr. on Thursday.

I usually feel so much better after publishing a post, but tonight I don't, I feel agitated, and disquieted. I need someone to tell me that I will be ok. So in referance to the above wish that I won't need to ask people stuff before I do it.


Thursday, August 19, 2010


I don't know how to address the issue of gaining two pounds. Honestly I can say I earned it, too many treats, and more important, not enough journaling of food, this will do it too ya every time. It is sad but not depressing because I know how to get back to work. But the cute thing is that Heavenly Father sent a few angels into my life today to lift me up and tell me to keep going. One was a friend from High school who I haven't seen almost since High school. And then I also had the nerve to go to Public swim where I met up with Denise whom could make my double D's into triple D's. I haven't seen her for a while and she was very generous with her praise of my appearance. Denise is one of the true friends who doesn't mince words in the truest of friends way possible so I know that she wasn't just trying to make me feel good. Also ran into a couple of other people there whom I haven't seen for a while they were very supportive and welcoming. So all in all an ok day.

Here are some other things that helped me out today, first a quote from Proverbs"

"Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started."

So according to that even though added +2 I am still successful in my other 72 pounds of weight loss.

The only thing that really makes me want to kick and scream is the fact that I wanted to hit 80 pounds lost by September 1 which isn't looking to great right now. It does make me feel liking yelling at myself well you must not have wanted the 80 pounds more than the extra cup cake or marshmallow, however Linda calls times like this research. And I have to agree I have been extremely worried about four people in my life lately and on my run this morning I remembered they are not in my backpack . So I pretended in my mind to have a huge white plastic cafeteria style platter and put every concern on it. And then laid it at God's feet he loves those people more than me so I will continue to pray for them I will leave it in God's hands. And pray that if he needs me I will be ready to help. This seem to explain to me why the need for extra eating I was eating away the worries so the other people didn't have too. Which was kind of dumb because they don't even know that I am that worried about them. I also remembered that I can do hard stuff, and have learned more from doing it than any other thing, would I really want to take those opportunities away from these people I love?? I also read a quote in the Ensign article this morning.

"Sometimes we pass through pain and sorrow that we might grow and be prepared for potential trials in the future. I ask a question to you mothers: “Would you ever do something that would cause pain and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?” Of course you would! When mothers take young children to the doctor to receive immunizations, almost every child leaves the doctor’s office in tears. Why do you do that? Because you know that a small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him."-James B. Martino, “All Things Work Together for Good,” Ensign, May 2010, 101–3

Talk about hitting the nail on the head, wow the Lord must love me a lot he seems to spend an awful lot of time helping me understand things better.

Tonight I had to go to a bridal shower for one of my close friends, I wore my new jeans, and a fancy shirt. Two things helped me get through the even without eating. For one the cuteness of my outfit, it helped me remember this is all worth it. And the other being that Linda has said "There are no healthy food choices after 7pm." I sat back and watch my friend's daughter blush as she opened presents and was extremely grateful that I only had to do that once 16 years ago.

So tomorrow after sleeping in because lets face it summer is disappearing fast, I am starting a new food journaling page and I am going to write at the top "I can't control what the scale says but I can control my eating and exercise."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


On Tuesday I was invited to go with a group of women whom I not only love but admire, to go horse back riding in the Community pasture. I really don't know if I can properly explain my relationship with horses. I really love them but it is almost a spiritual, respect love. You see my dad's family grew up with horses and so did I so when I ride a horse it feels like I am really being me. I was on a horse early this year and it was a good feeling. I have avoided horses for years because I was physically not able to get on, and well the other reason is a mystery to me because I really love them but just didn't do it. Perhaps scared, scared of being me, of realizing that I couldn't do something I used to do? But as I start living again in the moment living the life I am meant to live I find it very interesting that for the first time in years horses have come back into my life. It is as if the little me is calling out from years past reminding me of how to live life.

The ride was astonishing, beautiful scenery mixed with a great horse, and warm company. After dropping off most of the riders at 2pm. Dixie, Marilee, and I continued our ride for a little while more. I was just comfortable, peaceful, joyful, and breathing. It was just such a throw back to how good my life can be. The horse I rode was named Downy she was a palomino, it is Dixie's horse and talk about being spoiled all I had to do was show up Dixie brought the horse and saddled her and hauled her. I really was extremely grateful, to her for all the work she did, and to my Heavenly Father for providing such a back drop. Weigh in tomorrow slightly nervous as always.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Wow what a weekend.

First of all, Sara did great with her tests or what often feel likes experiments on her. Her oncologist was very please at what he saw. The Ultrasound was clear, we don't find out about he blood work and urine stuff till later. Her 24hr blood pressure went well too. But what amazed me the most about this weekend was how raw it felt for me, let me explain.

A dear acquaintance of mine bought me the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth so I started reading it. This is not the first time I have known about this book I first heard about it at my Lifestyles Retreat in May 2010. Then I saw it was to be on Oprah. Now I was very hesitant at first because I DO NOT LIKE any thing really that has to do with fads, ie fad diets, hairdos, clothes, food, and so on. It is not that I don't like looking trendy and in style but I do not agree with extremes in anything. BALANCE is my main goal in life some of you might say I want to be a "Fiddler on the Roof." I am sorry if you do not get that reference please go watch the movie again! So I read chapter three "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt", on Wednesday before leaving with Sara to go to the Children's Hospital. I felt as though I had been skewered, I don't know a lot about this Lady but what she said in that chapter was me. It was like someone had lived in my head and then wrote it down. Let me begin to quote.

"....if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. When we don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be. I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. TO NOT LEAVE THEMSELVES." ... "..compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive." "...those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul. We refuse to take in what sustains us. We live lives of depravation. And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge. The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting-of leaving ourselves-hundreds of times a day."pg 37

"Staying where you are with what you are feeling or seeing or sensing is the first step in ending the obsession with food. Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events. Like watching your children get sick, like living while your spouse dies...Obsession gives you a plane ticket out of a particular kind of heartbreak....It creates a parallel world, a hologram of emotions, passions, breathtaking reversals. It gives you the illusion of feeling everything without having to be VULNERABLE to anything." pg 39

"...This is the very thinking that evolved into the obsession with food...The belief, unconscious as it was, that I couldn't handle, couldn't tolerate, didn't have thick enough skin or a resilient enough heart to withstand what was in front of me without fragmenting....we compulsive eaters wouldn't have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it." pg40

Ok I know that is a lot but like I said it was very important to me. This reverberated in my soul this screamed truth to me. She continued.

The answer to the question "I have no idea how I am going to get through this is: You allow yourself to sob, to heave, to feel as if your heart has a boulder crashing through it. ...You get help from friends. And you notice that at the end of everyday you are still alive. And you notice that when you don't use food to shut yourself down, to leave your body, you actually feel more alive. That feeling anything, even grief, is different from what you thought it would be. That when you don't leave yourself, a different life is lived. One that includes vulnerability and tenderness and fragility and changes the landscape - makes it verdant, wider, breathtaking-of life as you know it."pg41

So as with all things worth knowing and doing I go forward with faith and put these principles into action or at least experiment with them. First I go to friends I made a name for them which they don't even know yet but I guess they will now. I call them my "Double D's" ohhh yes I know how naughty that is but it is their name. Dixie and Dawn funny thing is those two don't even know each other. Last Sunday I went over to my friend Dixie's house and we sat on her porch and talked I really needed to talk she listened and empathized I really cannot explain how much it meant I am sure she doesn't know but hopefully she reads this to find out. I called Dawn and she immediately says I will be there to have lunch on Thursday with you and Sara. Honestly, I do not understand fully how and why these two incredible people are my friends it is not that I am not worthy of them, but I guess they are just two people in my life that remind me that God knows who I am and loves me because he sent them into my life. There are several others in my life too in fact to many to name but last week it was those too that did it for me.

Next step on the way to the children's hospital with Sara there is NO FOOD IN THE CAR. None, I realize to some this might not seem like a big deal but don't forget I was literally driving into a very stressful situation. Because I have changed habits usually there would be veggies in the car but I was practising something. After making it through Forth Macleod without stopping for surplee's or root beer. I took some deep breath's and dived into the pain. It was quite physical it really hurt. More deep breaths, and the seeping of tears, not too many though so Sara wouldn't think something was wrong. There I drove for what seemed to be a waste land, I do remember some kind of something saying "Remember the Power behind you is more powerful then the problem ahead." Which seemed to help relieve it for a while. Past Clareshome without suplee's and homemade buns at IGA. Stilling driving but feeling lighter, hit Nantan, and feel like I wouldn't stop here even if we had a flat tire. I drive until the pain weakens, I drive until I notice a lightening storm in the distance. Maybe that's my storm over there that I just drove through who knows, but it sure looks astonishing from this angle.

So I find my self here, in the moment, I am all of a sudden enjoying holding hands with my little girl, walking and looking at store windows, and tasting what seems to be my first frozen yogurt. I am really here, I am really in the moment, and it is sooo peaceful.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Weigh in Day

Another 4 pounds lost, wow, what a wonderful, use of life. I can't believe that all I do is follow this program and I lose weight. It isn't what I would call easy but it isn't the hardest thing I have ever done either.

I read something really great that I thought I would share it comes from the book called "The Non-Runner's Marathon Trainer." The book itself is great it was written "based on a highly successful marathon class offered by the University of Norther Iowa." It is fascinating in that it takes virtually non running people of all types and walks of life and in 16 weeks they all finish a marathon. They accomplish this with only training 4 days a week. With the running that they do the students also focus on mental preparation.

They suggested that with any negative thought attach this phrase at the end "but it doesn't matter." So while running up "Goliath" today (which is a hill that is near my home and yes I made up that name for it), my incredibly handsome, and supportive husband drove by to see how I was doing. The conversation went as follows.
Jesse - "Are you doing ok?"
Me - "AH NO!"
Me - in my head "Ah no but it doesn't matter I am going to keep running up this hill even though I can't talk right now because I am gasping for air, and my feet feel like they are slipping on the gravel which makes me feel as though I am actually moving backwards instead of forward, but none of that matters because I am going to do it just the same and LOVE IT!"

Yes the phrase "but it doesn't matter" actually works enough to conquer Goliath.

And so....

I have to take my daughter the hospital this week, and run 4 miles on a treadmill in a hotel but it doesn't matter. I am going to do it. Besides running on a treadmill in a hotel ought to have some great experiences to write about don't you think??

Monday, August 9, 2010

11,chips, & cookies

Well I have had quite the week. I didn't some serious back sliding, and some serious moving ahead.

First the back sliding came last Thursday where instead of going to weigh in like planned I took my kids swimming to one of our favourite swimming holes. Seemed like an innocent excuse you see I didn't really have an appointment because Linda was gone all week but I usually weigh in even if she isn't there. But as a result of not going to weigh in and having my reality check I ate a lot of chips while at the swimming hole in my defence I was hungry but also in NOT my defence I knew I was going to be hungry and didn't pack any options for myself. This is where the problem lies. It is not that I can't enjoy a chip now and then it is not having the option to eat something better after eating the chips.

The next back sliding came with making a batch of Chocolate chip cookies, WHY WHY WHY, would I make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Good question in further reviewing this bad choice I understand that I really needed some comfort. You see I am having a hard time with my parents being gone on a mission I miss talking to them on their porch swing, especially this week. I have to take my daughter Sara up to the Children's hospital so she can see her Oncologist, and then she has to have a 24 hr blood pressure monitor on again. This is the third time this year that we have had to do these tests. It is hard. It is hard to watch your kid be brave for stuff. It is hard to watch your kid cry and be scared about stuff. It is hard monitoring all the time because I do it is not something that goes away it might move down the list of priorities but it never leaves your mind completely. What do I mean by monitoring, it is weird things for me, making sure the bruises go away, counting how much water she is drinking, making sure her bowel movements are regular, and she is peeing enough, making sure she is keeping up with the other kids, making sure she is not doing anything too risky so we can protect that one kidney. And quite frankly I don't see her keeping up with the other kids as much and it worries me more than I like to lead on about.

The moving forward came with the accomplishment of running 11 miles on Saturday. I never thought that I would run far enough that it would begin to be tricky to find mileage. For instance I had to run around the block a few times to get in an extra mile on Saturday. My Brother joined me again for about 1/2 of the distance it was great to have him along, I admire and respect his opinion on a lot of stuff, and he is very supportive in my running he makes me feel strong, and tough.

It was also my husbands 20yr reunion on Saturday, I felt great going to this and being his old trophy wife. I have to say that is one of my favourite things about running, when I do it I feel skinny I feel healthy I feel confident it doesn't really matter what I am wearing or what size it is, I feel it deep inside. There are days when I do feel like 'for lack of a better word' I am fat. I am the same size as I was the day before but that day I just don't feel skinny I feel fat. I am currently exploring this train of thought more, but haven't quite reached a conclusion. Is it possible that being skinny or fat has more to do with a frame of mind, than a state of being????

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Parades of Praise

We went to Whitefish it was kind of last minute. Our very good friends as seen in the picture, got a sweet deal and they were sweet enough to invite us along. While there we swam in a fancy indoor pool, and in whitefish lake, we sat in a outdoor hot tub surrounded by serene beauty, and swarmed the tennis courts while it was raining. We also got most of our school supply shopping done at considerable lower prices.

Monday morning I went for a 3 mile run up Whitefish mountain, it was hard going and I did have to walk quite a bit. I kept hearing a lot of popping engines and I was thinking wow somebody's car is having a hard time. When I looked up I saw a line of old fashioned cars, like Model T fords, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang cars. I started waving at them as they passed and they started waving and honking
"AAAWoo ga" the whole time I was running it was so cute I felt like I was in a parade.

Also one of the cars stopped to see if I was in trouble, you might laugh, but this has happened to me more than once. Question "Do I really look that bad when running?" That people stop and ask if I need help. Since this seems like a negative way to look at things I always look at it in the sense that there are just a lot of good people in the world. It happens enough that I have a ready supply of answers. "No I don't need any help except maybe up here (while pointing to my head)" "Oh I am almost there anyway" "What ride instead of looking at this pavement you have got to be joking."

I have a wall of quotes that I will show you sometime one of the them says. "Physical fitness is my hobby." So I felt a close connection with these people of old car hobbies here we both were on a wonderful Monday mountain morning during the summer enjoying our hobbies.

We got back in time to help put on my husband's family's business community breakfast. It always makes me very proud to be a part of the family I am in that they do such neat things for our little community. They have been doing it for years now, and have also added the Legacy Half Marathon usually running the end of May. I really love that they do this kind of stuff not everyone in community does stuff like this. Some people might get nasty and say it is for publicity but come on for the amount of effort that goes into planning these two events is not worth any publicity that might come from it. I know that it comes from the heart.

While at the breakfast I got a tremendous amount of sincere compliments about my weight loss. I am getting better at receiving them but it is still hard for me. I am so use to blowing them off or making light of the effort I am putting out in order to obtain my goals. I still don't really know how to respond to them I do say thank you, and usually refer to the Lifestyles program at the clinic mostly because I don't ever want people to think I am doing this by any other way then better food choices and exercise. I have also got a lot of compliments at my ward on Sunday. This too made me feel like I was in a parade "I saw you out running", "You look great", "Your missing half of yourself", "Where did you go?", Once again very difficult for me to accept, but I am working on it. I am trying to ride the wave on motivation that it gives me.

I had a few great food moments on vacation, one was being full of the ice cream I was eating and being able to just throw it away, and the other was being able to have a taste of fudge, without eating the whole thing. I loved these moments I am changing, at my Lifestyles retreat I went to in May I got this quote I can't remember who it was from but here it goes.
How to change
change THINKING which will
change FEELINGS which will
change ACTIONS which will
change LIFE.

This is one of the best suggestions I can give to any one who is trying to over haul some life long habits.

I can honestly say I have changed my thinking, feelings, and actions. And it has changed my life.