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I don't have a title for this post. I am feeling frustrated with myself for one thing I ran 12 miles on Saturday and I haven't even written about it. 12 miles. Not everybody in the whole world runs 12 miles at one time. But I did it. Nobody but me put one foot in front of the other. I guess some of the reason I haven't written about it was that it was hard. When I ran 11 miles it felt fantastic after ward. So I really don't understand why adding an extra mile (5,280 feet, 1,760 yards, 1.61 kilometres, or 1,609.344 metres), would make as big a difference as it did. Did I just not eat enough carbs the day before? Did I not hydrate properly? Did I choose a poor route?

While running it I remember blogging about the run in my head I think I was even going to call it "Blogging while jogging", because I was having so much fun. Saw a lot of of my "beeps", which was encouraging. While on the road I met up with one of my heros, Bonnie. Well actually she met up with me and we chatted for a while and then she ran away. She again doesn't have any idea previous to this that she is one of my heros. But I have marked her runs for years. Honestly I always remember watching her run on the highway thinking "I can't believe she can do that, do you really think she will make it all the way home?" "I wonder how she does that?" I did tell her all of this of course and of course she was very nice about it, but I don't know if she really understood it. That she really is one of the reason's I was out on the highway that day.

The run continued to be grand, got to town did my little loop de loop around UFA, still felt ok, then started running toward the Temple, and all of a sudden it was hard, I just didn't have it in me any more hard. I started thinking about the race I am about to run on Sept 4. My whole family is running it I have 4 of my siblings running the 5K and me and my sister will run the Half marathon, I also have a sister in law who will run the full marathon. I started thinking what that will feel like to cross the finish line, and immediately started crying which is hard to do when you are running so I stopped quickly. When I got to the Temple I walked half a block but it didn't really help I just started thinking "come on let's get this thing over with." So I started running again. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, I tried to conjure up some world problem like " How can I solve world hungry and world obesity at the same time?", but nothing helped.

And then I hit a hill, while planning this route I knew there would be a slight incline toward the end the run but now facing it I would definitely call it a hill. While almost at the top of the hill my left foot started aching with every push off the cement. It hurt below the ankle and forward a bit, it really really really hurt. I knew I wasn't going to walk I knew I was going to finish but I all of sudden didn't know if I would be able to finish a 1/2 marathon. I knew at the end of this run I would need to cry.

I finished. I sat on my in-law's lawn and chatted with my mother in law, I took a phone call from my husband and then drove home. When I got home I limbed to my favourite chair in my living room held my Maggie and cried. I cried because it hurt, I cried because I was tired, I cried because I was scared that this might be it, I cried because I was mad, and then just kept crying because I was crying.

I iced it, I wrapped it, I put every kind of ointment on it. I rested after volunteering for a couple of hours at a local museum, and when I went to bed that night it still hurt.

The next morning it didn't hurt as bad, and me being vain wore high heels to church which didn't help it much. I wrapped for the rest of the day.

Today I didn't wrap it but I didn't go for a run either, I had to phone and discuss this with several people before I actually did it. I don't know why but I have this belief that if I don't follow the training schedule to the "T" I won't be able to finish the half marathon. This bothers me, that I believe this. It bothers me that I need 10 other peoples opinion before I decide to do what my body and brain are telling me to do. Will there every be a point in my life where I won't need to ask someone something before I go and do it? When oh when will I ever be able to trust myself? My own judgement?

I know that when it comes to food it will be along time before I can do that or maybe never. But I digress, tomorrow, I am going to run 2 miles hard and fast, and if the foot hurts I will go to the Dr. on Thursday.

I usually feel so much better after publishing a post, but tonight I don't, I feel agitated, and disquieted. I need someone to tell me that I will be ok. So in referance to the above wish that I won't need to ask people stuff before I do it.

"YOU WILL BE OK. THE POWER BEHIND YOU IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE PROBLEM IN FRONT OF YOU. REMEMBER 'SUCCESS DOESN'T COME TO YOU, YOU GO TO IT'(Marva Collins) ALSO YOU ARE ON A JOURNEY, NOT IN NAS-CAR, RELISH THE MOMENT, FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND BE GLAD YOU CAN FEEL IT INSTEAD OF EATING IT AWAY. BE ALIVE NOT DEADEN."