Frustrated

It has been a very hard week. I lost .8 of a pound last week yuck.

I know I know at least it was loss instead of gain, at least it was loss instead of maintaining. But seriously I didn't go over on anything, journaled everything that I ate even the three gummy bears. Exercised 5 times. Simply put I am in a big pouting mood.

I am mad that I work that hard and have nothing to show for it, I know I know I have 81 pounds to show for it but I wanted something on the scale this week, and I didn't get it. Am I going to quit OF COURSE NOT! I still have 81 pounds of proof that what I am doing is taking me in a downward spiral.

Ever since Monday I have just wanted to escape from my life. I used to use food to do that, to abandon myself when the going got rough, then I switched to literally running away from home, that helped, but of course I am nervous about my foot. So I really had no tools to handle the wanting to escape for a while. I still exercised doing 12 minutes of swings, and the next day 5 minutes of Turkish get ups, I still read my scriptures, church article, and wrote in my gratitude journal. I even wrote and nice note to my daughter telling her how great she is, and took a nice hot bath IN THE MORNING! Nothing seem to help. I am really amazed at the pull to return back to food as a comfort and escape it was very real. I am proud of myself for recognizing the need, and feeling and living in the moment and not abandoning myself to overeating. But it still is really hard.

I have found that my thinking is all messed up too. I am feeling overwhelmed at how hard this new life is, and how much weight I still have left to lose. I have been comparing myself to others, oh they lost 80 pounds in one year, and then lost 100 in 18 mths. I don't feel like I am on track with those other people that I consider successful in weight loss. I just need to STOP thinking that way. I am me I am running my own race and it has NOTHING to do with other people. This journey has only to do with God and I. If I affect, inspire, help or change other people along the way great, great for them, great for me. But this journey has to be done ALONE. I don't mean alone like no one can help, I mean I am the one who has to decide every time I eat or not exercise. I am the only one who can run this race.

I also realized that I was grumpy, in my former life I would never really be grumpy. I was either happy or in need of chocolate to make me happy or coming down off of my fix which could be described something like "a raving mad women so get out of my line of sight or it will be coming down on you." Maybe just maybe it is ok to be grumpy and just have a bad day, and just not be peaches and cream to everybody and do everything your suppose to do. Once in my group therapy someone said "That you never know you might end up being a grumpy angry thin person." I don't think that is what I will end up being, but I sure have been for the last couple of days.

After visiting with Linda and venting with her, I asked her to decide my goals and affirmations for the week. She decided on Affirmation that "I care for myself", and goals that I have exceptional snacks this week and try new grains instead of bread for all my carbs.

My plans for snacks is one fruit or vegetable combined with a serving of protein, dairy, or fat. So yesterday I had apples and peanut butter. I haven't had this for a long time, it was good and it did make me feel like I was feeding myself not just eating.

So last night I made Quiana instead of rice for Hawaiian Haystacks. I didn't think it was so bad, neither did Sara, the rest of the family politely choked it down. I promised them Waffles tonight to make up for it.

This morning was suppose to be a rest day but I just couldn't do it. I have been in such a terrible mood the last couple of days I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in and not physically exercising. So I still got up 5:30 in the dark with a full moon, and an array of stars to be astonished with, and went running. I only did a mile but it was so easy and no breathing hard, no sore muscles, no hurting foot. Bliss, escape, and sweet strength all in one simple mile. I didn't want to push my luck so I ran a mile and walked a mile back to the car. Even though it wasn't the best circumstances ie very dark and I didn't have a light, very chilly, and at least 18 cars passed me. I am still glad I did it, I am worried about how to keep doing it, but I found this quote.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

I am patiently awaiting success, that I know will come.