No pedestals, thank you

Another minimal weight loss week, but heck every bit helps.

Yesterday was a Picky eating day. I just couldn't stop eating, now thank goodness their isn't junk in my house, so most of it was a carrot, nuts, peas, bread, there were some cookies in there I am sure but it seemed like every time I turned around my mouth was full or was about to be, I even ate chocolate chips which I haven't done in a while. So last night I felt like 285 pounds again, I felt out of control, I felt like I was back there again, hungry with nothing to fill me up, because I wasn't hungry for food I was hungry for something else. It was a horrible feeling, I knew, that I didn't look that way and weigh that much anymore, I even looked specifically in the mirror for it, but it just felt like it. I wish I could describe it better, it was a depressed state not in the mental illness kind of depression but I physically felt pressed down upon. I realize now that even though I thought I was doing ok being that overweight I wasn't, it makes me sad for that person. Another thing that has changed is that I like to do my hair and put on nice clothes that fit before I go out. This is huge for me I have never really cared about that I would wear or how my hair was done give me a baseball hat anywhere anytime. Now I am not putting down baseball caps and ponytails they definitely have their place but not every time you go out. I have found myself saying "I have worked to hard to wear something that doesn't fit properly." It is another thing that makes me sad for that other person. Life can be and is so much better than that but you honestly have to figure it out for yourself, nobody can help you but God.

So back to being hungry...today I figured out what I was hungry for. I have a lot going on right now, Jesse flew to San Diego, last weekend kind of suddenly, so I had the kids all weekend, which wouldn't have been that bad but there was Judo to go to, and a "Meet the family" I needed to go to, and at last a Regional Training meeting that I needed to attend that was an hour away. It was a little stressful arranging all of that.

Also I an acquaintance of mine got hit by a car while out running. This really threw me for a loop considering I have been out running at 5:30am and trust my there is no light. I still went running on the highway the next morning with my friends that I am going to Polson to run a 5k with this weekend. But we didn't start till 7:30 so it was light. When I went Thursday, I grabbed an extra flashlight and stuck to a gravel road with no traffic instead of going on the highway. I don't know how serious I should take this, I do wear reflective clothing and stuff. If I don't run outside I could use my elliptical but it is not really the same as running what do you think should I call it quits for the winter, or try and figure something else out. Maybe I could go at later when Jesse gets home from school, but he is very inconsistent with that, maybe get a baby sitter but that costs money and seems like a lot of work.

I am speaking at a Relief Society meeting Thursday night about "Change." I am pretty much just going to give that talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat in May. Maybe switch it up a little bit. I have also been asked to speak at the Lifestyles Success dinner in November. That is causing me some stress as well, but I talked to Linda about it today, and feel better. I am not a poster girl for Lifestyles, I am just doing what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I am being put upon a pedestal and with that I feel a tremendous amount of pressure not in a good way, I don't like pressure. I really don't like pressure, but I just have to keep reminding myself that nobody matters but me, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, or thinks, or for that matter does. I can only control my actions. There is no magic way to do what I am doing. All I can really say is that it is little, minute by minute, grocery cart by grocery cart, spoon by spoon decisions to change my LIFE, and when you string those all together wow, it really does matter.

Also that and a deeper understanding of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going. I don't really know what came first for me, the losing the weight and figuring out how great I am or the figuring out how great I am and then losing the weight. I guess it doesn't really matter.

So after figuring out that none of that other stuff really matters, and I am just me, and I don't have to help anyone, I just have to take care of me, I don't have to convince anyone, just take care of me, just make my own decisions. I feel a little better, stressed yeah but coping with it, and not eating it.

I am ridiculously excited about my girls get away this weekend. I would love to kill this 5K and run it under 30 minutes but the training hasn't been there so what will come will come. It is going to be FUN and relaxing and I deserve it.