Quote

My two year sees me tying up my running shoes, runs up stairs and brings me back my Pocatello 1/2 marathon medal. I put it on just to see her smile and she looks up at me and say’s “Go mommy go!”

How can I fail her.
How can I fail myself.
How can I fail God.

I can’t and I won’t.

VOTE

I need an "after shot" for the Lifestyles success dinner that I have to speak at, and I can't decide which one to submit. So I am asking you to vote! Just leave it in your comments if you like Picture 1 or Picture 2. They wanted an action sort of shot, not a fancy clothes shot. I need to submit this by Monday so vote fast if you can.

PICTURE 1




PICTURE 2

LIVING

Oh my, did I partake this last week.

For the first time ever, my group therapy did not go well last week for me, I left feeling insecure, and without focus. But what I did find interesting is that I found what I needed to buoy me up, I called sisters, friends and talked to my darling Jesse before I felt better. What I love about this is that I have strategies in place now. Where as before I would have turned to food for comfort, I now talk to a friend or friends, and went for a hard Run of two miles, I ran so fast that my throat felt a little sore after from breathing so hard. Not real smart considering I had to speak at Relief Society that night but oh well more research. It is crazy to me that all things are waiting and available to me I just have to figure them out.

So the Relief Society meeting was grand. We all left feeling positive and up lifted. There were even a few ladies that tried swinging the Kettle bells that I brought.

Friday I left with Dixie, Marilee, and Kaylynn, for Kalispell.








We did an incredible amount of shopping. I have not been a shopper in the past as my sisters will tell it, just has seemed to not be my thing, well nobody would have known that this weekend. Within 8 hours I found a long sleeve pull over, two pairs of jeans, two dresser type shirts, Black dress pants, Red jacket, and black dress shoes to top it all off. To the right is the proof that I was not alone in the shopping frenzy. I was having my own party in the dressing room fitting into Jeans that were a 14. It is remarkable to think that a little more than a year ago I was wearing size 26 jeans. I can't believe I am writing that but it just seems like time to talk about it. Once again I am so pleased with myself, I knew I could do this, but it was so covered up with caring for others, and years of not doing anything about it, that shoveling it out has taken an extreme amount of effort. Don't get me wrong I am not done, today I am still fighting feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, and hunger. I am concerned of relapse, it is just a matter of finding a balance between what I would like to do and what I need to do. For instance I would like to do is eat without thought, what ever is handy and convient. But what I need to do is feed my body in moderation, good food, so it can run efficiently enough that my spirit can accomplish all it needs to do on this earth.


Back to my road trip, after shopping all day we drove to Polson MT, and checked into the hotel. It was right on the end of Flat head lake, which was beautiful. The decore of the hotel was in true Montana fashion with exposed beams and also had different native artifacts.
There was an older native gentlemen sitting on the couch when we arrived and he was still there when we left for the race in the morning. I have now imagined, that he was there because his daughter was working the night desk, and had an abusive boyfriend who had threaten to come to work and "get her" and he stayed there all night just incase. (Ok that was a little crazy.)

After checking into our rooms, we enjoyed a late dinner and then went to the Hot tub, mmmmmm, I really love a hot tub, I also took a dip in the pool. We laughed and talked, and enjoyed each others company throughly. I have found some real kindred spirits in these ladies. Kaylynn and I were talking about it and it really was a odd group, none of us the same age, none of us the same height, but yet there seemed to be so much drawing us together.

We arrived at the race early, the leaves were beautiful, and they had fires going to keep us warm, as usual the atmosphere was grand. I really love this about running. Long distance runners are in general are some the most humble, happy people I know. I believe that is because when you run long distances it takes a lot of mental training along with physical.
You end up spending a lot of time with yourself when you are training for long runs, and you might not like what find, but you always know who you are. We got our great race packs, ie bag of pasta, long sleeve shirt, metal water bottle, sport jelly beans, and such and then waited till it was time to race. We also found more friends Debbie, and Erin and had fun talking to them. As we were waiting for the race to begin I was asked to hold up a speaker for the announcer, I found this a little odd, and yet funny, is there something tattooed somewhere on me that says "I will serve you."

The race was under way, I knew my friend Kaylynn would be running the 5K in about 30 minutes, so I had a secret plan to try and keep her in my sights, and then the gun went off and then Kaylynn went off and I immediately changed race strategies. Still wanted to try for a personal best so I push my pace. I fell into stride with a very tall native man, with a long grey braid, who was wearing a pink shirt, and white shorts over top of black tights we ran about half the race together, we didn't talk much but we seemed to share energy. It was nice. The course was uphill until half way and then down hill. I only walked a little. I had a really good kick at the end which I maybe should have started a little sooner, but oh well. I did end up with a Personal Best of 36 minutes. Which I was happy about. I also got asked if they could show my picture in the Polson newspaper, "because you just have the most beautiful smile." That was cute I guess, whatever.

The Race was called Live Locally, they were sponsoring a local girl who is trying to go to the 2012 Olympics in Pole Vaulting she was there, and was so nice. Her name is Melinda Owens, I got her to sign my bib number just in case she won. She was really cute about us being Canadians, and coming to support her. Here is a picture of her and the gang.


So beside the size 14 jeans, it also felt great that the running shirt I ordered was a little baggy, but it still looked great.


I am still wondering if I would have done this a year ago? Wondering if I had enough confidence in myself to go away with these fabulous women for the weekend to get some serious shopping done and fit in a 5k? But then again who cares, OHHH how I love my life.

No pedestals, thank you

Another minimal weight loss week, but heck every bit helps.

Yesterday was a Picky eating day. I just couldn't stop eating, now thank goodness their isn't junk in my house, so most of it was a carrot, nuts, peas, bread, there were some cookies in there I am sure but it seemed like every time I turned around my mouth was full or was about to be, I even ate chocolate chips which I haven't done in a while. So last night I felt like 285 pounds again, I felt out of control, I felt like I was back there again, hungry with nothing to fill me up, because I wasn't hungry for food I was hungry for something else. It was a horrible feeling, I knew, that I didn't look that way and weigh that much anymore, I even looked specifically in the mirror for it, but it just felt like it. I wish I could describe it better, it was a depressed state not in the mental illness kind of depression but I physically felt pressed down upon. I realize now that even though I thought I was doing ok being that overweight I wasn't, it makes me sad for that person. Another thing that has changed is that I like to do my hair and put on nice clothes that fit before I go out. This is huge for me I have never really cared about that I would wear or how my hair was done give me a baseball hat anywhere anytime. Now I am not putting down baseball caps and ponytails they definitely have their place but not every time you go out. I have found myself saying "I have worked to hard to wear something that doesn't fit properly." It is another thing that makes me sad for that other person. Life can be and is so much better than that but you honestly have to figure it out for yourself, nobody can help you but God.

So back to being hungry...today I figured out what I was hungry for. I have a lot going on right now, Jesse flew to San Diego, last weekend kind of suddenly, so I had the kids all weekend, which wouldn't have been that bad but there was Judo to go to, and a "Meet the family" I needed to go to, and at last a Regional Training meeting that I needed to attend that was an hour away. It was a little stressful arranging all of that.

Also I an acquaintance of mine got hit by a car while out running. This really threw me for a loop considering I have been out running at 5:30am and trust my there is no light. I still went running on the highway the next morning with my friends that I am going to Polson to run a 5k with this weekend. But we didn't start till 7:30 so it was light. When I went Thursday, I grabbed an extra flashlight and stuck to a gravel road with no traffic instead of going on the highway. I don't know how serious I should take this, I do wear reflective clothing and stuff. If I don't run outside I could use my elliptical but it is not really the same as running what do you think should I call it quits for the winter, or try and figure something else out. Maybe I could go at later when Jesse gets home from school, but he is very inconsistent with that, maybe get a baby sitter but that costs money and seems like a lot of work.

I am speaking at a Relief Society meeting Thursday night about "Change." I am pretty much just going to give that talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat in May. Maybe switch it up a little bit. I have also been asked to speak at the Lifestyles Success dinner in November. That is causing me some stress as well, but I talked to Linda about it today, and feel better. I am not a poster girl for Lifestyles, I am just doing what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I am being put upon a pedestal and with that I feel a tremendous amount of pressure not in a good way, I don't like pressure. I really don't like pressure, but I just have to keep reminding myself that nobody matters but me, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, or thinks, or for that matter does. I can only control my actions. There is no magic way to do what I am doing. All I can really say is that it is little, minute by minute, grocery cart by grocery cart, spoon by spoon decisions to change my LIFE, and when you string those all together wow, it really does matter.

Also that and a deeper understanding of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going. I don't really know what came first for me, the losing the weight and figuring out how great I am or the figuring out how great I am and then losing the weight. I guess it doesn't really matter.

So after figuring out that none of that other stuff really matters, and I am just me, and I don't have to help anyone, I just have to take care of me, I don't have to convince anyone, just take care of me, just make my own decisions. I feel a little better, stressed yeah but coping with it, and not eating it.

I am ridiculously excited about my girls get away this weekend. I would love to kill this 5K and run it under 30 minutes but the training hasn't been there so what will come will come. It is going to be FUN and relaxing and I deserve it.

Before and after

I weigh less than 200 hundred pounds. I don't really know how long it has been since I have been under 200 pounds. This picture to the right was taken August 2009. I would like to entitle this picture

BEFORE I KNEW MYSELF

These pictures were taken two weeks ago, after running a 2k with my children.










And since a picture is worth a 1000 words, here are three, which would make 3000 words which already makes this entry too long to read. Thanks for the support. And, NO, I AM NOT DONE.

Thank you Oprah

Today in group we watch a clip from some Oprah show. It was talking about her journey with weight loss, and as I watched clips from the last 25 years (or was it just 20) I realized that it was partial because of Oprah that I never did diet.

Although I was very aware that I was becoming over weight, I just knew that "dieting" in any way shape or form would never work, or would only work temporally. I knew because of her success and then failures, that the only real solution was a permanent Lifestyle change. No quick fixes, no satisfaction now, with consequences later. Just plain old hard work, and accountability were the key to really getting my weight problem and issues under control.

Between that and a couple years study of the Word of Wisdom,and the Grace of God, has brought me to where I am today. So where am I?

I AM HERE, in this moment, in this body, in my life, feeling things, that I haven't felt for a long time or maybe even never felt at all.

I had a huge break through last week. Someone once said to me "with every 10 pounds comes another emotional layer of the eating!" Of all the things people have said to me this has been one of the truest. I discovered last week that along with the "Frustration" I was feeling disappointed. Everybody has their stuff, and I have mine. I have to say that Heavenly Father has blessed me. I can now recognize what some of the triggers are for my stuff. Which means instead of eating to escape them I can feel them and help myself through them instead of abandoning myself with food.

This makes me feel powerful beyond measure.

It really proved to me that "I can care for myself" with God's help of course. The feeling I get from walking through these fires instead of running from them is one I can not describe but know this .... There is not a piece of chocolate in the world that tastes as good as it feels.

So yes a most sincere Thank You, goes out to Oprah, for with her learning, I too have learned.