Frustrated

It has been a very hard week. I lost .8 of a pound last week yuck.

I know I know at least it was loss instead of gain, at least it was loss instead of maintaining. But seriously I didn't go over on anything, journaled everything that I ate even the three gummy bears. Exercised 5 times. Simply put I am in a big pouting mood.

I am mad that I work that hard and have nothing to show for it, I know I know I have 81 pounds to show for it but I wanted something on the scale this week, and I didn't get it. Am I going to quit OF COURSE NOT! I still have 81 pounds of proof that what I am doing is taking me in a downward spiral.

Ever since Monday I have just wanted to escape from my life. I used to use food to do that, to abandon myself when the going got rough, then I switched to literally running away from home, that helped, but of course I am nervous about my foot. So I really had no tools to handle the wanting to escape for a while. I still exercised doing 12 minutes of swings, and the next day 5 minutes of Turkish get ups, I still read my scriptures, church article, and wrote in my gratitude journal. I even wrote and nice note to my daughter telling her how great she is, and took a nice hot bath IN THE MORNING! Nothing seem to help. I am really amazed at the pull to return back to food as a comfort and escape it was very real. I am proud of myself for recognizing the need, and feeling and living in the moment and not abandoning myself to overeating. But it still is really hard.

I have found that my thinking is all messed up too. I am feeling overwhelmed at how hard this new life is, and how much weight I still have left to lose. I have been comparing myself to others, oh they lost 80 pounds in one year, and then lost 100 in 18 mths. I don't feel like I am on track with those other people that I consider successful in weight loss. I just need to STOP thinking that way. I am me I am running my own race and it has NOTHING to do with other people. This journey has only to do with God and I. If I affect, inspire, help or change other people along the way great, great for them, great for me. But this journey has to be done ALONE. I don't mean alone like no one can help, I mean I am the one who has to decide every time I eat or not exercise. I am the only one who can run this race.

I also realized that I was grumpy, in my former life I would never really be grumpy. I was either happy or in need of chocolate to make me happy or coming down off of my fix which could be described something like "a raving mad women so get out of my line of sight or it will be coming down on you." Maybe just maybe it is ok to be grumpy and just have a bad day, and just not be peaches and cream to everybody and do everything your suppose to do. Once in my group therapy someone said "That you never know you might end up being a grumpy angry thin person." I don't think that is what I will end up being, but I sure have been for the last couple of days.

After visiting with Linda and venting with her, I asked her to decide my goals and affirmations for the week. She decided on Affirmation that "I care for myself", and goals that I have exceptional snacks this week and try new grains instead of bread for all my carbs.

My plans for snacks is one fruit or vegetable combined with a serving of protein, dairy, or fat. So yesterday I had apples and peanut butter. I haven't had this for a long time, it was good and it did make me feel like I was feeding myself not just eating.

So last night I made Quiana instead of rice for Hawaiian Haystacks. I didn't think it was so bad, neither did Sara, the rest of the family politely choked it down. I promised them Waffles tonight to make up for it.

This morning was suppose to be a rest day but I just couldn't do it. I have been in such a terrible mood the last couple of days I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in and not physically exercising. So I still got up 5:30 in the dark with a full moon, and an array of stars to be astonished with, and went running. I only did a mile but it was so easy and no breathing hard, no sore muscles, no hurting foot. Bliss, escape, and sweet strength all in one simple mile. I didn't want to push my luck so I ran a mile and walked a mile back to the car. Even though it wasn't the best circumstances ie very dark and I didn't have a light, very chilly, and at least 18 cars passed me. I am still glad I did it, I am worried about how to keep doing it, but I found this quote.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

I am patiently awaiting success, that I know will come.

Words

feed   
1. to give food to; supply with nourishment: to feed a child.
2. to yield or serve as food for: This land has fed 10 generations.
3. to provide as food.
4. to furnish for consumption.
5. to satisfy; minister to; gratify
6. to supply for maintenance or operation, as to a machine: to feed paper into a photocopier.
7. to provide with the necessary materials for development, maintenance, or operation: to feed a printing press with paper.
8. to use (land) as pasture.
11. (esp. of animals) to take food; eat: cows feeding in a meadow; to feed well.
12. to be nourished or gratified; subsist: to feed on grass; to feed on thoughts of revenge.
–noun
13. food, esp. for farm animals, as cattle, horses or chickens.
14. an allowance, portion, or supply of such food.

eat   
1. to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food).
2. to consume by or as if by devouring gradually
8. to consume food; take a meal: We'll eat at six o'clock.
–noun
10.eats, Informal . food.
—Verb phrases
13. eat up,
a. to consume wholly.
b. to show enthusiasm for; take pleasure in: The audience ate up everything he said.
c. to believe without question.

These two words have been plaguing my mind this week. I often say to myself when I am wanting food but not needing it "Barb what are you feeding??"

First let me touch on eating, I am trying to eat. I want to "take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food)." I want to do it with enthusiasm and to take pleasure in it. It has been a hard thing for me this week. I have found that eating this week has been painful because I know my body needs food and I know that I only want to give it good food, but it seems like a lot of effort. It just seems like a lot more work to make a salad instead of making Mac n cheese. I do not understand why I feel this way. In reality it takes about the same time. It is very frustrating.

Next is the word Feed.
You have to understand that I come from an agriculture background (meaning I grew up on a small farm) so when you talk about feed or feeding it is always in reference to animals. Animals that have to be provided for, taken care of when you feed animals you are doing so with a purpose. You want the animals fat so you can sell them for more or they will produce more milk/eggs. Or they will be healthy so you can get work out of them. When you feed animals there is always other purposes in mind it is a win/win situation. Ranchers and Farmers will always look for the best deal of feed to buy often it is about quantity not quality.

So don't get me wrong I do feel like we do have to "feed our selves" but where the thinking has changed for me is that we don't have to feed our selves with food. Instead I would like to feed myself with scripture, long baths, early morning runs, talking to a friend, praying, going to the temple, good stories/books, dancing, walking in dewy meadows, and hugging my children and spouse.

No proper farmer would feed his animals once a week or month they would not yield anything from them. You have to consistently feed them in order to get results. Which brings me to the next word that has infected my brain this week.

con·sist·en·cy   
2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.
3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility
4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.

I believe in consistency, I believe that whatever you do consistently is what you are. So if for example you go consistently to church you will be a church goer and receive consequences for that action. I also that you don't have to be perfect to be consistent we are after all human. You can still consistently do something with out being perfect, life happens, so you will not be able to be perfect in most things, but you can be consistent.

What I don't understand is why consistency is such a hard concept for the human to grasp. It seems to me that any person that is consistent in anything sees success in that area that he/she is consistent in doing ie exercise, drug use or business. We have been told this over and over again "Keep the commandments" "Don't go crazy on food storage just get a little at a time" "Just plant a garden every year" "Go to the temple at least once a month where possible" "Prayer every day not just when you need it." "Read scriptures every day"

Anyway I don't know why but I haven't been able to really grasp this whole concept why is it so important to be consistent?

But I did receive what I thought was an answer this week, in Mormon 9:9,

"For do we not read that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing?"

which also made me think of Matthew 4:48

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

So IS being consistent in the way we do things, our key in becoming perfect like our Father?
Perhaps so.
How does this tie in with weight loss? Well if I am consistent in eating good food, journaling what I eat, exercising, and feeding myself through other means than food, I will be successful in that area.
Anyway that is some serious "Food for thought" (no pun intended)!

Hard week with good results

I have been fighting with myself a lot this week. My foot is still recovering from the running and I am trying to be patience with it. But I miss the strength that I feel from running. So once again I find my mind saying things like "you are fat", and I tell my mind "I am not", and then I would run to scale to show us both the evidence. It also seemed like I went over on Carbs this week a lot, but in looking at my food journals I only went over 3 times. This is another reason I believe that food journaling is one of the most important weight loss keys. It provides you with evidence to overcome those negative voices in your head. I said a prayer in the shower yesterday morning something like this,

"Heavenly Father please help me deal well with the consequences of weigh in today. No matter what the scale says please help remember that what I doing is right and that I will eventually get the rewards I am looking for as long as I consistently, food journal, go to my lifestyles appointments, and exercise in some form."

I really meant it. So to step on the scale and see a 3. something pound weight loss, I was delighted. I also said in a loud voice "AHHH that was a really hard week and I really wanted to see that." I got to move my name up to 80 pounds lost on the board. Oh, all of a sudden I had just finished my climb to the top of Table Mountain again, and had crossed that 1/2 marathon finish line again, and it was good.

The other great thing that went on this week is that my sweetheart Husband bought me my first "Kettlebell." Just click on the word and it will take you to a website so you can learn more about them if you want. I would suggest reading the articles or interviews. One of my favourites is "Tracy Reifkind" once again just click on it to read her story. We started swinging yesterday morning, it was really fun to be able to work out together. He was using a 16kg (35 pounds) and I was using a 8kg(17 pounds). We only started out with 25 swings and then a 20 second rest but my heart rate and breathing was up. I believe that Kettlebells will help me get through the recovery of my foot and the winter, and who knows maybe this is the first paragraph in my own Kettlebell success story.

One of the quotes that I repeated to myself a lot this week was

The things I can't control have little to do with my success.

Meaning even though my foot is still recovering I can still continue to become a more fit, and healthy version of myself. It might not be as much fun without the running but the rewards are still worth it. I also found this quote this week by Joyce Brothers, I am in full agreement with it.

"There's a very positive relationship between people's ability to accomplish any task and the time they're willing to spend on it."
Joyce Brothers
She has a good story if you have time read it.

I just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and support, it means a lot. Putting your self out there is sometime a little nerve racking. But when you get so much positive feed back it gets a little easier every time, and in case you were wondering why I would do it? Because it lets me process, what is really going on, and it also provides proof of my journey. And I really love a journey.

Nothing lost but everything gained.

Yes at the weigh in this week I didn't lose a pound there was a moment of "really because I ran 13.1 miles this weekend and really I didn't lose a pound?" But when put in perspective of 9 hour car ride with 4 children, to run for 3 hours and then sleep and drive 9 hours home with 4 children not gaining a pound is pretty great. Although I am not a big TV watcher, I did watch the Biggest Loser last season. I remembered that "Darius" ran a 4 hour marathon and put on 2 pounds, I felt a little of his pain this week. Just goes to show just because your running doesn't mean you are going to lose weight it is only part of the process.

As promised here is a better run down of the Race.

Arriving at the bus a minute before departure you would think I would be a nervous wreak. But I wasn't. I felt prepared. I was living in the moment. I was really there. I was participating in my life. As the bus drove on I chatted with my sister and her husband I remember feeling at the time surprised at how calm I felt. I was really happy that this wasn't the first formal running event that I had ever run. As the bus was nearing the end the route we started passing a few Marathon runners. I marveled that they were only half way through their journey and I hadn't even started yet.

As we were the last bus to arrive there was quite the group of people already there 419 to be exact. There was the usual blaring music and people warming in up. I always find this quite amusing, you always have your full out runners, which I will never understand you are about to run 13.1 miles and so what you are trying to get a couple more in before hand??? Then you have your yoga hippy people who are standing in downward dog pose and then jumping up to salutation to the morning sun, yikes make sure you stay out of their way. There are also your leg pullers, arm swingers, jogging in one spot, and my favourite jumping jacks. But all in all runners in general are some of the best people. The are usually pretty down to earth, humble, balanced, and over all happy. The number of porta potties and the beging of the race was something to commend the race officials for, I only had to stand in a line for maybe a minute. But I did dry heave the whole time I was actually using the porta pottie, sorry that is probably to much information. My sister and her husband comment to each other that this is such a small race, I am amazed because this is the 2nd biggest pack of people I have ever ran with. They also commented on how well the back packs were being stored by the UPS guys in the back of their truck they thought it was cute. We also ran into some people that my sister and her husband knew it was cute and they were super nice. We stood out by the road cheering on the Marathoners until it was time to start, and then my sister and I took our place in the pack. I always like to start and the very back of the pack I am not racing against anyone but myself and I don't like the feeling at the front of the pack besides the days of any kind of competition are well behind me, I am only racing my demons and there are plenty of those.

The count down begins 10,9,8...2,1,Go and there was a collective bouncing up and down ahead of us as the race began. I decided along time ago that I wanted to start off the race walking so we walked across the timers mat and kept going. I feel like I am walking into a new part of my life I am now a 1/2 marathoner.

Mile 1 was what a mile 1 should be everyone so excited, still a lot of people out cheering relatives taking photos. I feel great with a shot of adrenaline who wouldn't.

Mile 2 seemed to have a slight hill which was the first of many that I didn't expect but they were still nothing like I had trained on so nothing seemed that bad.

Mile 3 I remember my sister saying awesome only 10 miles left. I also remember thinking about my route back home saying oh 10 miles I can do that, that is only running to town, I have totally got this thing in the bag. It really was a perfect morning jog, warm, no wind, sun rising, and painting the sky. I told my sister how much I love 3 miles because it was the first race I ran and it always makes me feel like I am a real runner when I can run 3 miles without stopping. This is also where I started to feet my left foot, and I really to remember thinking "Oh Hello there hurting foot come and run with me today." This was also the first time we stopped to get some water.

Mile 4 I remember that it was still cool the scenery was beautiful, little Idaho homes with great landscaping, and the hills on both sides. This was also where we ran into some more people that my sister knew it was two people one was an older gentlemen who put his arm around me as he talk to me about the race. I found this humourful, and nice they seemed to stay for quite some time but when you are running for 3 hours time is not something really you pay attention too.

Mile 5 Is always a wonderful place no matter where you are. This is when my chest seems to loosen up and my arms relax. My sister and I talk about how much we love a mile five. I am now stopping at every water station to get sips of water. Scenery again I think this is where there were all of sudden huge rocks jutting out of the earth like the giants had played baseball and these ones had been hit out the park. I start marking where I am on my route that I run at home. It is between Marvin and Tracy's house.

MIle 6 There was a train, a really long train, and he honked at us and waved. I took some Gateorade at a water station. While running at home in my mind I am at Simon's house.

Mile 7 My sister tells me a story about trying to fiance an investment property it made that mile zoom by.

Mile 8 ohhh this one hurt all of a sudden my foot was screaming, and there was a hill, and the sun was now full on our backs.

Mile 9 at the top of the hill very hot, we ran by a big high school, I was wondering why all the cars were there on a Saturday but my mouth was too dry to talk about it. My foot hurts. I start with the mind chanting "I'M HEALTHY, I'M STRONG, I'M EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO BE. I AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD."

Mile 10 only 3 miles left I can do 3 miles can't I? Some more self talk "You know you don't have to to do this?" "uhh yeah I do, but more so I WANT to do this." We decided to not let two ladies that are in front of us get away we decided not to let them beat us. One of their husbands keeps driving along the route and then stopping and cheering for them, I think it is nice. He also has a Giant Schnauzer in the back of his Explorer.

MIle 11 where oh where is that IBU, my sister spots a lady taking out her garbage in her pj's. She remarks that always make her think that "oh yeah some people our age are just getting out of bed right now. Doesn't it feel good to be out doing this instead." I fully agree with her. We meet my sister's husband along the route he has finished his 1/2 marathon and come back to meet us, he is great and funny. He also seems really strong for some reason I stick pretty close to him for the rest of the race drawing some inner strength from him. I decided I just want to have a good strong last mile.

Mile 12 We run into my other sister who ran the 5K and has come back to find us. I am not doing so great at this time I am walking a lot my chest feels heavy, my foot hurts but it just doesn't feel like I have that core strength that I am so use to having. My sister tries to get me to run three telephone poles and then walk that works for a while. Everything is hard. I decided I just want to have a good strong last .1 mile. I also let the ladies that we were suppose to beat go. Good for them.

MIle 13 Ok this is starting to look familiar I am going to finish this. Some lady jogs by trying to get us to run with her she is nice it makes me feel a little bad that I can't make her feel good by doing what she asks but it is just not going to happen right now. I am starting to cry a little this is REALLY hard.

Mile .1 I tell my sisters and brother in-law to go ahead and I will finish alone, they all say no but will be right behind me and promise not to talk. I see my brother who had run the 5 k and his little girl waiting for me I look him in the eye and we both start to cry. I keep going I am running now, I see the end, all of sudden there is my other two sisters, my parents, my children, my sister-in- law, and on the other side my husband. I only glance, the emotion is too much I have just got to finish. I hear the announcer talking about me he says I am from my hometown and CANADA I raise my arms in celebration of me and my country. Then my sister is beside me yelling at him that we are sisters and that it is my first 1/2. There is a medal placed around my neck there are three water bottles in my hands and so much happiness and love it is hard to explain. This picture describes it best.


Seriously look at that smile, that reminds me of the smile my children have when they have played outside all day long and are just about to go to sleep in their own beds, with their own blankets and pillows, they have had their teeth brushed, faces washed, story read, they are peaceful, content with the world, but tired. It is my favourite smile. It reminds me of Robert Browning's Pippa Passes.

The year's at the spring,
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven -
All's right with the world!

So for a week of not losing a pound as you can see I have gained everything.

13.1

I am still processing. But here is what I have got so far.

This is a picture of me when we left Thursday night, I am full of emotion.

My foot started hurting at mile 3. There was a lot of, "My foot hurts BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER." I also started saying to myself "HELLO, HURTING FOOT COME AND RUN WITH ME TODAY." It made me think of this quote.

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." - Michael Jordan

There was a person in a wheel chair cheering along the route, and it made me think "I can't believe I get to do this." It made me think of this quote.

"When life's problems seem overwhelming, look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate." - Ann Landers

Just in case you thought that this was something totally fun, and easy for me to do just look at this picture near the end of the race and you will see another story. It made me think of this quote.

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." - Winston Churchill

What you get by reaching your destination is not nearly as important as what you will become by reaching your destination. - Zig Ziglar

Pounds and cars

3,500 calories equals one pound of body weight.

I really love this statistic. It helps me remember that it is not just the one piece of cake that will do it but eating cake everyday or the whole cake will make a difference. I lost one pound this week, and honestly I am very excited about that pound because I wasn't exercising. I was resting my foot for the race on SATURDAY. I am really happy that I just did it by being aware of what was touching my lips. I am really liking the feeling of being hungry again, but it is a different hungry than before I am not trying to fill holes or numb feelings, it is a "I am taking care of my body hungry".

I often compare my body to a car, because it is the vehicle for my spirit's journey on earth. So now when I am hungry it feels more like the gas tank is almost empty, I can also say, what I am I going to put in it high octane super fuel, which means I am not going to have to fill it up as often, or the junky stuff, which my body will use faster and go through more of?

Viewing my physical body as a vehicle helps me take a third person view of its features. I tend to look at myself as the whole package deal instead of "thighs", "stomach", or "behind". Every vehicle has it's selling features, for instance my eyes, and neck are some of my favourite things, and so I highlight this by wearing necklaces. Every vehicle also has different designs for itself. A Hummer is a Hummer and the world needs Hummers there are perfect for what they are used for. Economy cars are perfect for what they are used for. Even a convertible is perfect for what they are used for. We never expect a car to be perfect at something it is not designed for. We might get upset when the convertible gets stuck in a four foot snow drift but really we can't blame it because it is not designed for that. We also can't get upset when we have to pay more gas for the Hummer because that is not what it is designed for. The trick is too highlight our selling features, and realize what we are capable of and designed for. The other great thing is we aren't just one vehicle we can be many different ones.

Here are some ones I have pictured my self to be.

This is a love van, not in a naughty sense, but it is fun vehicle that will give anyone a ride to where they need to go. It is accepting of all people, it is up for adventure, it is has the need to visit places that people would not expect.


This is a All terrain vehicle, it can get through everything and anything, it is tough looking on the outside but surprisingly comfortable on the inside. This is a tough strong car. Don't forget this original design was an army vehicle, and yes I believe my hummer has been through a few wars.


This is my mommy vehicle it too has room to carry 5 other beings they all travel together, and are very close. This vehicle is very sensible, and accommodating.


This is a newer vehicle, and it is FANCY, it is still not as flashy or cocky as a sports car, but this vehicle says I have got my stuff together, and I have earned this. You don't just get this vehicle by chance, it is something worked, and sacrificed for. Right now this is my favourite vehicle.

A few more days until the race I am deliciously excited.