Did you remember....

that I am running  the Legacy 1/2 marathon on Saturday?

If I were my friend I would be hitting myself in the shoulder right now. Why? Because I totally feel like yeah whatever I am running 13.1 miles on Saturday no big deal. This is totally a big deal! 13.1 miles is kind of a long way! I have worked for 16 weeks to run it on Saturday and yet, still, nothing.

Saddest thing about it, is I'm running it 20 pounds heavier than last year.  Why, why why, do I have to care about that? It is no use telling you I don't, I am trying very hard at not caring about it but I do care. I care that my clothes feel tight, I care that my belly feels squishy, I care that I am eating to many treats.

So the plan for this week (thanks in part to Linda) 

Take down to my parents house the following items

24L of Cookies n' cream ice cream (school fundraiser)

Homemade waffle cones

two bags of milk chocolate chips

three boxes of freezes

two boxes of popsicles

AND STOP BAKING this week, I can cook just no baking.  

I'll write to you next week tell ya how the 1/2 went with pictures, and also how the no baking went. 

xoxo
Barb

Help

So I don't know if you have noticed this or not but this is not a fluffy blog, it isn't really about happy places or smiley faces. It really is about my journey right now, and let me tell you right now is not a good place.  Weigh in this morning is 191.4.

It feels so dark.  I am fighting everything I have to write about it right now.

I just finished reading the book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, and it is giving me the gumption to write  this blog.

On the back cover of the book it says this.
"Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."


I am just going to type it, sometimes I feel trapped by what I know I should do and by what I want to do. There are some things that burn so deep with in me that it takes everything I have just to stand still in the place where I am at. So what do I do? I pray. Poor Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel like the most needy child in the world. But can I just tell you like we were sitting on my porch sipping lemonade, that Heavenly Father puts out those fires just like snowflakes falling from Heaven on Christmas Eve. It is beautiful and magic. I do believe those desires I have are there for a purpose made not known to me yet. Maybe they are simple there so I will pray to Heavenly Father for guidance, and peace.

I ran across this quote:

“Occasionally some individuals let the seeming ordinariness of life dampen their spirits. Though actually coping and growning, others lack the quiet, inner-soul satisfaction that can steady them, and are experiencing instead, a lingering sense that there is something more important they should be doing . . .as if what is quietly achieved in righteous individual living or in parenthood are not sufficiently spectacular.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

Yep that is me, not in the good sense. Oh yeah and there were a couple of other ones.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

“Some mothers in today's world feel "cumbered" by home duties and are thus attracted by other more "romantic" challenges. Such women could make the same error of perspective that Martha made. The woman, for instance, who deserts the cradle in order to help defend civilization against the barbarians may well later meet, among the barbarians, her own neglected child.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell, Wherefore, Ye Must Press Forward


Can I just share my prayer for myself this week.
"Heavenly Father thank for this opportunity to help you raise children and try to establish an eternal family and marriage. Lord oh Lord please help me, help me remember this is why we are here, help me be humble in my weakness and continue to rely on your arm and not the arm of flesh, help me grow, help me learn, help to stay true, help to have faith and help to return to you."


I don't know what is going to help me start losing weight again. My plan so far consists of starting weekly appointments with Linda again next week. One step, just this one step, just for today.
xoxo
Barb

Its my birthday

So for my birthday today I want you to eat one raw vegetable of your choice, and either smile at someone you don't know or compliment someone you do know.  Then leave a comment on which one you did.
Thanks
xoxo
Barb

Managing

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt creep in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

So with that in mind, let's just pretend that I have posted in last month. Here is the catch up. 

• Jesse is being transferred to teach High School English this fall
• Annie has lost three teeth
• Sara, Annie, and Maggie have all been on Antibiotics 
• Ryan has grown another 20 cm
• I am currently applying three different types of medicated cream to my body
• I currently weigh 188.4 pounds
• I ran 10 miles last Saturday and will run 11 this Saturday
• Maggie threw away her "Soother" (but kept the blanket)
• I have sewn 5 Moroni Quest Costumes by myself
• I am managing not even well but still managing

Here are some great things I have come across and loved this month.

The quote above was taken from this article "Forgetting those things which are behind." He says that "dwelling on past failures and mistakes may be harmful to our personal adjustment and mental health." He then lists three of them number two hit home. 

"Sorrows, regrets, and anxieties may become so threatening that we flee from reality in order to avoid them. Severe depression has caused some people to retreat into a fantasy world to escape the unpleasantness of their real world." 

This past month I have read more silly books, played more computer games, and watched more movies than normal. It is because I am numbing. Food is still my number one way to numb but I have other ways now. I want to be able to stop the numbing because

 "..you don't get to selective numb when you numb one thing you numb them all. You numb the bad stuff but also the good." -Brene Brown- 

I have felt empty lately. I can't seem to fill it. Not running, not candle light bathing, not going to the temple, not reading scriptures, not eating, not talking to a friend. Everything just seems like a bandaid, and you know that bandaids are just temporary. I have been thinking of a phrase from Neal A. Maxwell 

"Divine Discontent"

So I looked up where the phrase came from and this is the rest of the quote taken from the talk "Consecrate thy performance".

"The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty."

I could read this talk everyday and get something great out of it, but today was this "encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience..the inherent degrees of difficulty." I know that as I strive to not numb but instead to feel and be vulnerable, and turn to Heavenly Father with my hurt, broken and prideful heart, He will turn to me and give me comfort, love, and strength.

I believe my food issues are my divine discontent that they are the thing that will bring me back to Gethsemane crawling and pleading at the alter to "let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but thou wilt."

Yet I also found a lot of power in this article by Elder Bednar, The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality. Some of my favourite quotes.

"Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities."

He then goes on to talk about how we can use the Atonement to help us  become better. I have to admit that I realized this flaw in my thinking as soon as  I read this article. I have in the past only thought of the Atonement as something to use when I have done something wrong. Something like being in overdraft in a bank account, and then I use the Atonement to bring me back up to a zero balance. I have never thought about using the Atonement to put more money in the account so I don't go into overdraft.

"The implication of this episode for each of us is straightforward. As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14)."

Wow! I mean really wow, could anything mean more to me right now than this? Pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than pray for our circumstances to be changed. Once again, stop praying that you won't have to deal with your addiction anymore but instead pray for strength to change the hold it has over you. 

There are many more but I let you find them. 

So I am managing, while also hoping, praying, and stretching that I can improve become better, and stronger in the Lord. Oh yea, and HAPPY SPRING!!

xoxox
Barb

Check it out

Ok so it seems a little bit weird to promote oneself but I am going to do it anyway aren't I. So check me out @. (or just click on the @ sign)

http://mormon.org/me/41FK/

I think I should have chosen a different profile picture, and it seems weird that I wrote it over a year ago when I was training but the rest of it is still true. Who knows maybe it will help someone somewhere?

Thoughts on Forget Me Not

President Uchtdorf's talk given at RS General meeting in October 2011, entitled Forget Me Not is what has capture my attention this week. Here are some of my favourite quotes.

"Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself."

Why? Why is this so hard for us. Or better yet why is it so easy for us to be compassionate and patient with others and not with ourselves. I think that it is because we really aren't compassionate and patient with others. I sometimes find myself working hard on some aspect of myself that I can't stand in others. I will often let them have the "weakness" but then refuse to partake in it myself. I find in this way I try and control others by controlling myself or even worse my kids. I often find myself getting up set with my children for the actions of other peoples kids. ie someone's kids are running up and down the halls my kids start to follow and I jump all over them because what is really bothering me is the other kids running up and down the hall but I can't control them but I can control my own kids to a degree anyway. So am I really compassionate and patient with other people or is it I see the "mote" in there eye so I am making sure I don't have a beam in mine? I also believe this comes back to "love thy neighbour as thyself" I really do believe that we will not be able to love anyone else fully until we fully love ourselves.Next quote.

There are so many good things to do, but we can’t do all of them. Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective.

A really good example of this came from my friend Becky's blog this week. Her son broke his arm so that probably meant messing up the exercise and even eating routine this week for her, but there is no doubt that she is sacrificing good for something eternal. I had a few experiences this week with this. What I find most discerning is I know what I am choosing is the right choice BUT it is still hard to do. It is still so hard to not meet everyone expectations or all your commitments. I ended praying for peace about it.

The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy.

Be happy in the moment. I believe this with all my heart. I often think of Dr. Seuss story "Oh, the Places you'll go."...

"The Waiting Place...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting."

I often find myself all of sudden in this "Waiting Place" again. It is not someplace I try to find or want to be in but when I recognize myself there I get out as fast as I can. I believe that while we are in this place we cannot fully appreciate all that we have or why we have it.

Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us.

Love this, and last but not least.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

If only we could remember and really believe this, nothing could stop us in fulfilling our missions on earth.

As a side note Brene Brown has another Ted Talk on Vulnerability click here for the link. Unfortunately my computer wouldn't let me get through he whole thing but this is one part I really love.

"Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”~Brene Brown

xoxo

Barb

5 Stages

Back story
So most you probably know that my daughter Sara was born with a Tumour in her right kidney. I had a flash back to that last week and this was it. We were in the conference room with her team of doctors, to find out whether or not the tumour was benign (good) or malignant (bad). After they said it was benign the relief that flooding over me was true joy. But then they started talking about follow up treatments and such. The horror and absolute depression that hit me in that moment was great. I struggled with this a long time, because I felt like I should be happy and great because we didn't have to do chemo or radiation. I thought that we would walk out of the hospital and never look back that this thing or experience was over. I had no idea that it would take up the next three years of DR. appointments to Calgary and so forth. As I was struggle with this my darling sister in law Shauna told me that when you have something anything go wrong with your children sometimes you will still mourn the loss of that perfect child. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Mourning the loss of an idea. Mourning the loss of just having a baby and taking her home and life to be "normal". I think she also said that when you are mourning you will go through the five stages of grief.


Continuing Story
So the last couple of weeks have felt like hiatus. I feel like the tide has ebbed that things seem a little more easy. So I have been trying to stay in the moment and figure out what has changed? Why now? How do I stay here? That is when I had the flash back to the scene above and I thought about the last stage of grief.

ACCEPTANCE

I feel as though I have come to an acceptance about my life. I accept that I will not be able to eat food like everybody else. I accept that I will have to fight this my whole life or my disease/addiction will come back with vengeance. I accept that this is the fight I can fight right now in this season of my life this is what I can do for it right now. Maybe later I can run 5 marathons a year and increase my pace and train my guts out but for right now I can train for a local 1/2 marathon and I accept that. This is weight I am at right now I am handling my food the best I can right now and I accept that.

The more I focused on this I believe I can even go back and relive the rest of the stages of grief since we started at the end we will work backwards. Before Acceptance there is Depression. (click on the highlighted words to take you to the website where I got the 5 stages of grief from I don't know if it is reliable it seems like there is a lot of confusion on what the 5 stages really are but this works for me and I am not a physiologist so that is what I am using.)

DEPRESSION

"Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell."

The first one for me was a worry about whether I will be able to keep this up will I be able to keep the weight off? Will I be able to afford to eat better? Will it impact my family? Will I make people feel uncomfortable? The second was actually missing the weight. I realize that not everyone will understand this but for me my weight was a protection. It was an outer shell so that no one could get to me. It is very difficult and vulnerable to walk around without all that protection. There are some days where it feels like I am walking around naked with everybody looking at all my stuff. I have to separate myself from my old self quietly and it has to be not only in my physical habits but also in the recesses of my mind. As hard is the physical battle of weight loss is the battle of the mind is much more difficult.

BARGAINING

Durning this phrase I used a lot of "If only" statements. If only I didn't have this addiction. If only I could eat like everyone else. If only I could just be better at this. If only I didn't have to journal everything. If only I could just have just one cupcake, cookie, chocolate bar.(Reality is I could eat one but I can never just have one. "One is too many a thousand isn't enough") If only I would have started sooner. If only I could run every day and eat perfectly and be in control all the time. If only I could live a solitary life where I could really say no to the things I don't want to do and yes to the things I do want to do. I don't know if this stage will really be ever over but I try to be aware of the "If Only" statements.

ANGER

I think anger and rebellion are the same thing for me. For a long time I would get upset with this question.

Why?

Why can't I eat what my husband gets to eat?

Why do I have to deal with this?

Why do I have to journal?

Why do I have to go see Linda?

Why do I have to go to group therapy?

Not everybody has to do this so why do I?

My rebellion always came back to bite me. Oh I am going to be so bad and not write down my cookies. (In reality this just makes me feel out of control.) I had a group member say the most profound thing. It is a lie. Thinking that life should be full of easy things and we should be on a beach and do nothing but take care of our selves is a lie. He then followed up with this quote.

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times… The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” ~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Crazy great and true right! Best moments running a marathon, being in college, reading scriptures, and figuring out what I really need instead of eating the feeling.

DENIAL AND ISOLATION

I think I lived here for long time. Jesse remembers me saying "I am just big boned" I am just this way I can't be skinny." I remember thinking "I am fine just fine, I have a testimony, I am a good person and I am doing just fine." I am a good person. But freeing me from the weight I have being caring around most of my life makes me a better person a person who is living a better life. Is it easier? No, not really. But always remember "Choose your hard."

I love what the website said about the five stages of grief.

"Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are."

So, I lost the weight, what is there to be grieving over? Well just like things with Sara, I mourn the loss of a different life. A life where I am free from this addiction. A life where I kill Goliath and he remains dead. A life where I don't have to fight everyday. I guess my question to you is what are you mourning? Where are you at in that process? The great thing is I also have knowledge that that my life that I mourn over will come.

"A ^anew ^bheart also will I ^cgive you, and a new ^dspirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony ^eheart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." ~Ezekiel 36:26

I know that I will be given a new heart, and a new spirit and I will be healed when I meet my Heavenly Father and go home.

xoxo

Barb

36 vs 2.5

I have slowly come to the realization that I have lived for 34 years one way and have lived 2.5 years another. So why am I so surprised when the urges to fall back into the last 34 years of my life come so STRONG.

Example.
My darling Sara performed her play, that she has been working on since November. All of us were there opening night, it was great. We all get into the car and my first instinct is to................... take everybody to DQ for treats, burgers, fries. Thank goodness I was well aware in the moment, and could zip my lips. It was a long ride home for me as I started to ponder why that feeling was so strong. Then came the flash backs of Rotary Club speech festival and DQ, basketball game and DQ, special time with Dad and DQ. OHHHHHHHHHH!

Now let me set the record straight I was raised wonderfully, I have great parents. I am just choosing something different. But what is so fascinating for me is that pre-programmed response on how to nurture or celebrate with my children using food is so strong. That is until I realized that yeah Barb it is 34 years strong and it will probably take another 34 years before it is really hardwired into that thick skull. But even then, those childhood memories especially those precious ones that leave you feeling warm cozy, secure, loved, celebrated, and just over all high are pretty hard to let go of.

So how did we celebrate we drove home and talked about our favourite parts, songs, and costumes, and you know what Sara did feel celebrated, loved, secure, and cozy. Without food imagine!!

xoxo
Barb

CELBRATE

It has been over a year, and although I have bounced around a lot basically stayed at a weight loss of 105. So this week I am just going to be quietly happy over what I have done for myself. No pushing, no jolting, no negative thoughts, no what if I could just...... Nope just peaceful acceptance that I am where Heavenly Father wants me to be and doing what he wants me to do!
xoxo
Barb

I am a recovering obese woman.

I was reminded today,in group that obesity is a chronic disease . This is something I will fight the rest of my life, and if I don't fight it then my condition will return, and will possible become worse. And so I am going to try out these words on people.

"No, I can't and won't eat that I am a recovering obese woman"

I mean if Alcoholics can say it why can't I??
xoox
Barb