Did you remember....

that I am running  the Legacy 1/2 marathon on Saturday?

If I were my friend I would be hitting myself in the shoulder right now. Why? Because I totally feel like yeah whatever I am running 13.1 miles on Saturday no big deal. This is totally a big deal! 13.1 miles is kind of a long way! I have worked for 16 weeks to run it on Saturday and yet, still, nothing.

Saddest thing about it, is I'm running it 20 pounds heavier than last year.  Why, why why, do I have to care about that? It is no use telling you I don't, I am trying very hard at not caring about it but I do care. I care that my clothes feel tight, I care that my belly feels squishy, I care that I am eating to many treats.

So the plan for this week (thanks in part to Linda) 

Take down to my parents house the following items

24L of Cookies n' cream ice cream (school fundraiser)

Homemade waffle cones

two bags of milk chocolate chips

three boxes of freezes

two boxes of popsicles

AND STOP BAKING this week, I can cook just no baking.  

I'll write to you next week tell ya how the 1/2 went with pictures, and also how the no baking went. 

xoxo
Barb

Help

So I don't know if you have noticed this or not but this is not a fluffy blog, it isn't really about happy places or smiley faces. It really is about my journey right now, and let me tell you right now is not a good place.  Weigh in this morning is 191.4.

It feels so dark.  I am fighting everything I have to write about it right now.

I just finished reading the book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, and it is giving me the gumption to write  this blog.

On the back cover of the book it says this.
"Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."


I am just going to type it, sometimes I feel trapped by what I know I should do and by what I want to do. There are some things that burn so deep with in me that it takes everything I have just to stand still in the place where I am at. So what do I do? I pray. Poor Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel like the most needy child in the world. But can I just tell you like we were sitting on my porch sipping lemonade, that Heavenly Father puts out those fires just like snowflakes falling from Heaven on Christmas Eve. It is beautiful and magic. I do believe those desires I have are there for a purpose made not known to me yet. Maybe they are simple there so I will pray to Heavenly Father for guidance, and peace.

I ran across this quote:

“Occasionally some individuals let the seeming ordinariness of life dampen their spirits. Though actually coping and growning, others lack the quiet, inner-soul satisfaction that can steady them, and are experiencing instead, a lingering sense that there is something more important they should be doing . . .as if what is quietly achieved in righteous individual living or in parenthood are not sufficiently spectacular.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

Yep that is me, not in the good sense. Oh yeah and there were a couple of other ones.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

“Some mothers in today's world feel "cumbered" by home duties and are thus attracted by other more "romantic" challenges. Such women could make the same error of perspective that Martha made. The woman, for instance, who deserts the cradle in order to help defend civilization against the barbarians may well later meet, among the barbarians, her own neglected child.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell, Wherefore, Ye Must Press Forward


Can I just share my prayer for myself this week.
"Heavenly Father thank for this opportunity to help you raise children and try to establish an eternal family and marriage. Lord oh Lord please help me, help me remember this is why we are here, help me be humble in my weakness and continue to rely on your arm and not the arm of flesh, help me grow, help me learn, help to stay true, help to have faith and help to return to you."


I don't know what is going to help me start losing weight again. My plan so far consists of starting weekly appointments with Linda again next week. One step, just this one step, just for today.
xoxo
Barb

Its my birthday

So for my birthday today I want you to eat one raw vegetable of your choice, and either smile at someone you don't know or compliment someone you do know.  Then leave a comment on which one you did.
Thanks
xoxo
Barb

Managing

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt creep in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

So with that in mind, let's just pretend that I have posted in last month. Here is the catch up. 

• Jesse is being transferred to teach High School English this fall
• Annie has lost three teeth
• Sara, Annie, and Maggie have all been on Antibiotics 
• Ryan has grown another 20 cm
• I am currently applying three different types of medicated cream to my body
• I currently weigh 188.4 pounds
• I ran 10 miles last Saturday and will run 11 this Saturday
• Maggie threw away her "Soother" (but kept the blanket)
• I have sewn 5 Moroni Quest Costumes by myself
• I am managing not even well but still managing

Here are some great things I have come across and loved this month.

The quote above was taken from this article "Forgetting those things which are behind." He says that "dwelling on past failures and mistakes may be harmful to our personal adjustment and mental health." He then lists three of them number two hit home. 

"Sorrows, regrets, and anxieties may become so threatening that we flee from reality in order to avoid them. Severe depression has caused some people to retreat into a fantasy world to escape the unpleasantness of their real world." 

This past month I have read more silly books, played more computer games, and watched more movies than normal. It is because I am numbing. Food is still my number one way to numb but I have other ways now. I want to be able to stop the numbing because

 "..you don't get to selective numb when you numb one thing you numb them all. You numb the bad stuff but also the good." -Brene Brown- 

I have felt empty lately. I can't seem to fill it. Not running, not candle light bathing, not going to the temple, not reading scriptures, not eating, not talking to a friend. Everything just seems like a bandaid, and you know that bandaids are just temporary. I have been thinking of a phrase from Neal A. Maxwell 

"Divine Discontent"

So I looked up where the phrase came from and this is the rest of the quote taken from the talk "Consecrate thy performance".

"The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty."

I could read this talk everyday and get something great out of it, but today was this "encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience..the inherent degrees of difficulty." I know that as I strive to not numb but instead to feel and be vulnerable, and turn to Heavenly Father with my hurt, broken and prideful heart, He will turn to me and give me comfort, love, and strength.

I believe my food issues are my divine discontent that they are the thing that will bring me back to Gethsemane crawling and pleading at the alter to "let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but thou wilt."

Yet I also found a lot of power in this article by Elder Bednar, The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality. Some of my favourite quotes.

"Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities."

He then goes on to talk about how we can use the Atonement to help us  become better. I have to admit that I realized this flaw in my thinking as soon as  I read this article. I have in the past only thought of the Atonement as something to use when I have done something wrong. Something like being in overdraft in a bank account, and then I use the Atonement to bring me back up to a zero balance. I have never thought about using the Atonement to put more money in the account so I don't go into overdraft.

"The implication of this episode for each of us is straightforward. As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14)."

Wow! I mean really wow, could anything mean more to me right now than this? Pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than pray for our circumstances to be changed. Once again, stop praying that you won't have to deal with your addiction anymore but instead pray for strength to change the hold it has over you. 

There are many more but I let you find them. 

So I am managing, while also hoping, praying, and stretching that I can improve become better, and stronger in the Lord. Oh yea, and HAPPY SPRING!!

xoxox
Barb