Great Advice

So my nephew Alec wanted to take a notebook to his chess tournament, so that he could write down things that he learned! This is what he came back with.  

My thoughts on this is at what age did we forget these things? Or maybe is was an incident in life that made us stop doing this? Somewhere in my head I can see my Heavenly Father with both of his loving hands on my shoulders saying"Have fun and take your time!" Then giving me a little shove and adding "Go get them, you can do it!"

xoxo

Barb

Dark days and Happy endings

Hi, are  you still there?

I am still here and still fighting.

I feel somewhat like Enos this morning and so let me quote him.
"And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins."    -Enos :2

While the rest of the summer was fun, I was constantly wrestling with my weight and it has gone up too 207 pounds.

This is not good. 

So this fall I have gone back to lifestyles and weighing in once a week. I also have started to attend an Addiction Recovery Program facilitated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I am tempted to blog about each of the 12 steps but it is too much right now.  I feel like I will be doing and attending these meetings for a while so don't worry I will eventually be blogging about it.  In the mean time if your interested in some incredible reading material see this link for some. Also, check out this book He Did Deliver Me from Bondage these have been very helpful for me in the past month as I have been climbing out of a dark hole.

Now for the happy ending part. 
Sara, I think you all know about Sara (if not click here to get the first part of the story), and I made our annual trek to Calgary last month to do all of her tests and check ups.  To our great delight her doctor released her from the Oncology clinic which means we don't have to go back there anymore. After 10 years of traveling back and forth we are done. 

As I was working through my addictions work book this week I was on Step 3, which is Trust in God. One of the questions was about Alma and his people when they were being persecuted by Amulon for the full story click here.  

14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

The question went some like how would you feel about the Lord just easing your burden instead of taking it away?
I had been pondering on that a while, when the answer came to me somewhere between laying in bed and falling asleep. 
There I was reminded of the night before Sara's surgery to remove her right kidney and tumour, that night was passed in awful fear and pleading until about 2 or 3 in the morning right outside her hospital room was a patch of grass and I went out there to talk with my Heavenly Father finally after explaining to Him that I didn't want Sara to go "Home" I wanted her to stay with me, I finally was able to utter the words... 

"nevertheless not as I ^dwill, but as ^ethou ^fwilt."

Heavenly Fathers will was that Sara come out of that surgery. As the weeks and months and years passed by with visits to and from the Children's Hospital in Calgary. I was a changed women.  The first couple of weekly and monthly visits were very difficult as it would be for any one to have your baby tested, prodded and poked, but it was also difficult to see all the little bald heads, sometimes I would even think of concentration camps. It was hard, but I continued to pray for help. I was given new eyes to see and ears to hear. Instead of concentration camps I saw smiles, and tinkle in the eyes of children doing hard things, I saw parents and volunteers reaching out to each other, and my "burdens on my shoulders felt eased." As the years went by we ALMOST started to look forward to our visits, being able to donate toys, and others ways to help, and "our burdens were made light ." As Sara grew we would plan our girl get aways around nails, haircuts, school shopping and visits to the Ronald MacDonald house, and "we felt like the Lord strengthened us so that we could bear our burdens with ease so we could submit cheerfully and with patience." 

It had been 10 years of bondage and travel when we were released, and I again felt like Alma's people.

21 Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their ^athanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their^bburdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.

 22 And they gave ^athanks to God, yea, all their men and all their women and all their children that could speak lifted their voices in the praises of their God.

The Lord has already given and shown me the answer to this question. He will ease the burden of my addiction on my shoulders. He will make my burdens seem light. He will strengthen me so I can bear with this burden. He will help me submit cheerfully and with patience to His will and eventually I will be lead out of bondage in His time and His way.  I do believe He will do this so that "I may stand as a witness for Him hereafter and know with a surety that the Lord will visit people in their afflictions." Can I trust in God to deliver me from bondage? 

YES!

But I will still have to pray all the time like this, 

"Lord, I believe; help thou mine ^aunbelief."
xoxo
Barb

Moroni's Quest 2012

It all started last September. Jesse and I were called as tribe leaders. For 10 months we read discussed and prayed about the Book of Mormon and the youth that were to be in our tribe.

Our tribe name was Thunder, with this as a reference:

Alma 36:7 "And behold, he spake unto us, as it were the voice of thunder, and the whole earth did tremble beneath our feet; and we all fell to the earth, for the fear of the Lord came upon us."

We wanted our tribe to think about God's power every time they hear thunder. 

We used a Thunder bird as our symbol.

This was top 10 life experiences for Jesse and I. Please click and follow the follow link to a friend of mine's post about this it will give you more details and is worth the read. 

Moroni's Quest 2012

xoxo

Barb

Cardston Family Fun Run 2012

I remember growing up thinking that the people that ran the "Cardston Five Miler" were crazy, "five miles who does that?" I also remember the first time I actually ran it. It was very intimidating to me, that was still back in the "yeah I run but not fast so I am not a real runner"days, which surprisingly comes back from time to time. They now include a 5k with the five miler. So I thought I would sign up my kids and have them run with me. Sometimes I forget, that 3 miles is still 3 miles, and that is kind of far. Ryan and Sara had been training for the Cardston Kids Marathon  by running a mile almost every day. So I thought that they would be fine, and they were.  They both stuck pretty close to me (ok Sara was close enough that I actually hit her with my elbow a few times.) but they are country kids the Town of Cardston is a little daunting to them. We had a great time. I finally talked Ryan into leaving us in the end so he finished before Sara and I. My Mom and Dad also cruised the route cheering us on. It was fun to be with our great little community, there is a lot of people that I love running this race.

Ryan finishing strong and in good time for his first 5k.

Kind of have to look beyond to see Sara finish she is in the pink shorts. She truly is my daughter and sprinted so fast to the finish that I couldn't keep up to her.

And finally me, not the best 5k time I have ever had but totally fun to run with my kids, it was a dream come true.

These are my "Run like a Mother" group. Me, Elisabeth, Karen, and Patricia. 

We all won prizes too. 

Sure love this running kids!

xoxo

Barb

Coulee Cactus Crawl 2012

I am soooo behind on posting, but I still wanted to post this race because it was really fun, and got my confidence back after the 1/2 Marathon the week before.   According to the website the Coulee Cactus Crawl is

" 20 miles of narrow trails that wind up & up & up, down & down & down and through Lethbridge's river valley. Course is rated as "challenging and cross country". Individual leg lengths will vary. "

So as you can see I ran it as a team with 5 other fabulous Women. (Nicole, me, Jen, Christy, and Rachel.) I actually only knew Nicole before the race she is the one that asked me to run. If you ever want to get to know some new people sign up for a rely race with them. This was so great. I found it really relaxing to be around people that didn't really know me I didn't feel like I had to talk a lot. 

 The whether was typical southern Alberta whether CRAZY. This is our trying to stay warm while freezing picture. It was blowing and quite chilly on top  of the coulee's and sauna like heat in the bottom. It was so cold that I considered keeping my hoodie with me but so glad I didn't even the long sleeved shirt was a little warm but didn't bother me all that bad.

 Nicole ran the first leg, Jen the second, Rachel the third, me the fourth and Christy the fifth. A lot of people got lost in the coulees, the marking of trails wasn't that great, so I was really nervous about getting lost. I was also nervous about being able to do it because of the leg cramping from the 1/2 marathon. But this is a picture of me starting off on my leg of the race.

 I am in the bright shirt at the bottom, this is the finishing part  and yeah it really was that steep! 

But I love a hill and totally caught up to the lady in front of me and tried to help her out a bit. By the way I didn't get lost. My leg was great I really fell in love with trail running I want to try some more out this summer in Waterton. It was beautiful to run along the coulee bottoms in the lush grass, and then I also got to run up a bunch of stairs. I have always wanted to run up stadium stairs. I don't really know why I think I saw it in a movie once and thought "Ohhhhh that girl is tough." I think that is why I have always wanted to do it, so running up the stairs was somewhat dream fulfilling and really challenging. I am pretty sure I ran the whole way with a smile on my face because it was so beautiful.  We didn't make the time, so I missed Christy taking off at my leg but I got to see her on the trail, we high fived.  This race is really what I needed to get back into running. I loved it and got to make some great new friends. 


xoxo
Barb

So you had a bad day....

This is the song that best represents my Legacy 1/2 marathon. But after a month of pouting, I am ready to talk about it and really after looking over the pictures, maybe not so bad.

Sara and I before the race she gets so nervous. (So do I, but not as bad)

Aunt June, I love her!

Aunt Pam and Uncle Randy this was Pam's first 1/2 marathon Race! She did awesome! Totally inspiring to me.

Patricia and I, she once described our friendship like this, "I could call you if I had to move a body!" It is true!

My Gen, I can show up out of no where and hang for how ever long I need too.

Terri, my brother in law beat his time by 17 minutes wow!!

Nathan, He believes in my running capabilities, (also Gen's husband and lets me have her from time to time.)

Karen and I (it is Karen's first 1/2 marathon she rocked it!)

Me trying to joke about how bad my legs hurt.

Look at the home crowd bringing me home! Makes me cry every time!

I really cannot explain how hard this was.

So the "run down" started off the race with Karen, it was her first 1/2 marathon, and I felt honoured to run with her for her first in what is to come many journey's. Game plan was to run to every water station and then walk through the stations and run again. Mile 1 grand, Jim and Anita there so great! Also, see Dad driving in the car cheering me on. Mile 2, cousins Emily and Jocelyn, lost there Mother years ago to breast cancer this is why the race was organized love them.  Mile 3, so cute staff from the Cardston Jr High, especially the Nunn's, still feeling great! Mile 4 is Aunt June, she gives me a hug. Mile 5 Doig's Karen knows them really well. I am not feeling great I find myself walking. Mile 6 Hall's water station legs are killing me, but the turn around is just up head. Mile 7 okay legs have never hurt like this before Karen goes on without me. I am mad what the "H" is wrong? I walk with Pat Hall who just lost her son from an avalanche accident he was a wonderful husband and father of four. I find out that her other son has just had a baby with serious health complications, wow, talk about getting kicked while your down.  Mile 8 is pain, walk run trying so hard to get my head in the game. What is wrong, did I not train enough? I get another hug from Aunt June!  Mile 9 David (my brother) shows up with some of my kids and one of my niece's run's a while with me. I try to put on a brave face. It's okay I can finish. Also back at the Doig's water station. Mile 10 still walk run, pass the Nunn's again, I say "three miles I can run three miles right?" They yell "oh yeah totally you can do it." Mile 11 Cousin's again turn off the highway ok ok ok ok you are almost there. Mile 12 the pain is so bad that all I can do is run a power pole walk a power pole. No really that is all I can do I try and run two power poles but physically cannot do it. David shows up in sandals to run and walk the last bit with me I am crying, so disappointed in myself, don't understand what is going on. Thanks to Him, I am now laughing a bit at how hard this is to finish this race. Turn the corner to the end make a goal to walk to the water station and then run to the end. There is a crowd of people running out to me so they can run with me to the finish I am trying hard to hold it together but "I am a MESS." I really do finish and there is so many people I love there and once again I am trying to stop crying but my legs hurt so bad, I am scared to sit down. I feel like an idiot. I feel so stupid. I keep saying "that was hard" while trying not to cry. What I really needed to do was go find a corner and ball my eyes out, but I don't.  I look up to see this coming towards me.

My knight in shinning armour. He holds me I cry. He sends me in for hot chocolate. I go.  Another battle fought and won????? While at least still standing, I guess you could call that winning. 

xoxo

Barb

Did you remember....

that I am running  the Legacy 1/2 marathon on Saturday?

If I were my friend I would be hitting myself in the shoulder right now. Why? Because I totally feel like yeah whatever I am running 13.1 miles on Saturday no big deal. This is totally a big deal! 13.1 miles is kind of a long way! I have worked for 16 weeks to run it on Saturday and yet, still, nothing.

Saddest thing about it, is I'm running it 20 pounds heavier than last year.  Why, why why, do I have to care about that? It is no use telling you I don't, I am trying very hard at not caring about it but I do care. I care that my clothes feel tight, I care that my belly feels squishy, I care that I am eating to many treats.

So the plan for this week (thanks in part to Linda) 

Take down to my parents house the following items

24L of Cookies n' cream ice cream (school fundraiser)

Homemade waffle cones

two bags of milk chocolate chips

three boxes of freezes

two boxes of popsicles

AND STOP BAKING this week, I can cook just no baking.  

I'll write to you next week tell ya how the 1/2 went with pictures, and also how the no baking went. 

xoxo
Barb

Help

So I don't know if you have noticed this or not but this is not a fluffy blog, it isn't really about happy places or smiley faces. It really is about my journey right now, and let me tell you right now is not a good place.  Weigh in this morning is 191.4.

It feels so dark.  I am fighting everything I have to write about it right now.

I just finished reading the book "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, and it is giving me the gumption to write  this blog.

On the back cover of the book it says this.
"Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed."


I am just going to type it, sometimes I feel trapped by what I know I should do and by what I want to do. There are some things that burn so deep with in me that it takes everything I have just to stand still in the place where I am at. So what do I do? I pray. Poor Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel like the most needy child in the world. But can I just tell you like we were sitting on my porch sipping lemonade, that Heavenly Father puts out those fires just like snowflakes falling from Heaven on Christmas Eve. It is beautiful and magic. I do believe those desires I have are there for a purpose made not known to me yet. Maybe they are simple there so I will pray to Heavenly Father for guidance, and peace.

I ran across this quote:

“Occasionally some individuals let the seeming ordinariness of life dampen their spirits. Though actually coping and growning, others lack the quiet, inner-soul satisfaction that can steady them, and are experiencing instead, a lingering sense that there is something more important they should be doing . . .as if what is quietly achieved in righteous individual living or in parenthood are not sufficiently spectacular.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

Yep that is me, not in the good sense. Oh yeah and there were a couple of other ones.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell

“Some mothers in today's world feel "cumbered" by home duties and are thus attracted by other more "romantic" challenges. Such women could make the same error of perspective that Martha made. The woman, for instance, who deserts the cradle in order to help defend civilization against the barbarians may well later meet, among the barbarians, her own neglected child.” 
― Neal A. Maxwell, Wherefore, Ye Must Press Forward


Can I just share my prayer for myself this week.
"Heavenly Father thank for this opportunity to help you raise children and try to establish an eternal family and marriage. Lord oh Lord please help me, help me remember this is why we are here, help me be humble in my weakness and continue to rely on your arm and not the arm of flesh, help me grow, help me learn, help to stay true, help to have faith and help to return to you."


I don't know what is going to help me start losing weight again. My plan so far consists of starting weekly appointments with Linda again next week. One step, just this one step, just for today.
xoxo
Barb

Its my birthday

So for my birthday today I want you to eat one raw vegetable of your choice, and either smile at someone you don't know or compliment someone you do know.  Then leave a comment on which one you did.
Thanks
xoxo
Barb

Managing

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt creep in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

So with that in mind, let's just pretend that I have posted in last month. Here is the catch up. 

• Jesse is being transferred to teach High School English this fall
• Annie has lost three teeth
• Sara, Annie, and Maggie have all been on Antibiotics 
• Ryan has grown another 20 cm
• I am currently applying three different types of medicated cream to my body
• I currently weigh 188.4 pounds
• I ran 10 miles last Saturday and will run 11 this Saturday
• Maggie threw away her "Soother" (but kept the blanket)
• I have sewn 5 Moroni Quest Costumes by myself
• I am managing not even well but still managing

Here are some great things I have come across and loved this month.

The quote above was taken from this article "Forgetting those things which are behind." He says that "dwelling on past failures and mistakes may be harmful to our personal adjustment and mental health." He then lists three of them number two hit home. 

"Sorrows, regrets, and anxieties may become so threatening that we flee from reality in order to avoid them. Severe depression has caused some people to retreat into a fantasy world to escape the unpleasantness of their real world." 

This past month I have read more silly books, played more computer games, and watched more movies than normal. It is because I am numbing. Food is still my number one way to numb but I have other ways now. I want to be able to stop the numbing because

 "..you don't get to selective numb when you numb one thing you numb them all. You numb the bad stuff but also the good." -Brene Brown- 

I have felt empty lately. I can't seem to fill it. Not running, not candle light bathing, not going to the temple, not reading scriptures, not eating, not talking to a friend. Everything just seems like a bandaid, and you know that bandaids are just temporary. I have been thinking of a phrase from Neal A. Maxwell 

"Divine Discontent"

So I looked up where the phrase came from and this is the rest of the quote taken from the talk "Consecrate thy performance".

"The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty."

I could read this talk everyday and get something great out of it, but today was this "encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience..the inherent degrees of difficulty." I know that as I strive to not numb but instead to feel and be vulnerable, and turn to Heavenly Father with my hurt, broken and prideful heart, He will turn to me and give me comfort, love, and strength.

I believe my food issues are my divine discontent that they are the thing that will bring me back to Gethsemane crawling and pleading at the alter to "let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but thou wilt."

Yet I also found a lot of power in this article by Elder Bednar, The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality. Some of my favourite quotes.

"Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities."

He then goes on to talk about how we can use the Atonement to help us  become better. I have to admit that I realized this flaw in my thinking as soon as  I read this article. I have in the past only thought of the Atonement as something to use when I have done something wrong. Something like being in overdraft in a bank account, and then I use the Atonement to bring me back up to a zero balance. I have never thought about using the Atonement to put more money in the account so I don't go into overdraft.

"The implication of this episode for each of us is straightforward. As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14)."

Wow! I mean really wow, could anything mean more to me right now than this? Pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than pray for our circumstances to be changed. Once again, stop praying that you won't have to deal with your addiction anymore but instead pray for strength to change the hold it has over you. 

There are many more but I let you find them. 

So I am managing, while also hoping, praying, and stretching that I can improve become better, and stronger in the Lord. Oh yea, and HAPPY SPRING!!

xoxox
Barb