Managing

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt creep in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

So with that in mind, let's just pretend that I have posted in last month. Here is the catch up. 

• Jesse is being transferred to teach High School English this fall
• Annie has lost three teeth
• Sara, Annie, and Maggie have all been on Antibiotics 
• Ryan has grown another 20 cm
• I am currently applying three different types of medicated cream to my body
• I currently weigh 188.4 pounds
• I ran 10 miles last Saturday and will run 11 this Saturday
• Maggie threw away her "Soother" (but kept the blanket)
• I have sewn 5 Moroni Quest Costumes by myself
• I am managing not even well but still managing

Here are some great things I have come across and loved this month.

The quote above was taken from this article "Forgetting those things which are behind." He says that "dwelling on past failures and mistakes may be harmful to our personal adjustment and mental health." He then lists three of them number two hit home. 

"Sorrows, regrets, and anxieties may become so threatening that we flee from reality in order to avoid them. Severe depression has caused some people to retreat into a fantasy world to escape the unpleasantness of their real world." 

This past month I have read more silly books, played more computer games, and watched more movies than normal. It is because I am numbing. Food is still my number one way to numb but I have other ways now. I want to be able to stop the numbing because

 "..you don't get to selective numb when you numb one thing you numb them all. You numb the bad stuff but also the good." -Brene Brown- 

I have felt empty lately. I can't seem to fill it. Not running, not candle light bathing, not going to the temple, not reading scriptures, not eating, not talking to a friend. Everything just seems like a bandaid, and you know that bandaids are just temporary. I have been thinking of a phrase from Neal A. Maxwell 

"Divine Discontent"

So I looked up where the phrase came from and this is the rest of the quote taken from the talk "Consecrate thy performance".

"The conscientious among us, however, experience divine discontent because of progression mixed with procrastination. Hence, loving counsel is given with the confirmation of this direction, encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience individually the inherent degrees of difficulty."

I could read this talk everyday and get something great out of it, but today was this "encouragement to continue the journey, and consolation as we experience..the inherent degrees of difficulty." I know that as I strive to not numb but instead to feel and be vulnerable, and turn to Heavenly Father with my hurt, broken and prideful heart, He will turn to me and give me comfort, love, and strength.

I believe my food issues are my divine discontent that they are the thing that will bring me back to Gethsemane crawling and pleading at the alter to "let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but thou wilt."

Yet I also found a lot of power in this article by Elder Bednar, The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality. Some of my favourite quotes.

"Most of us know that when we do wrong things, we need help to overcome the effects of sin in our lives. The Savior has paid the price and made it possible for us to become clean through His redeeming power. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully. We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities."

He then goes on to talk about how we can use the Atonement to help us  become better. I have to admit that I realized this flaw in my thinking as soon as  I read this article. I have in the past only thought of the Atonement as something to use when I have done something wrong. Something like being in overdraft in a bank account, and then I use the Atonement to bring me back up to a zero balance. I have never thought about using the Atonement to put more money in the account so I don't go into overdraft.

"The implication of this episode for each of us is straightforward. As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14)."

Wow! I mean really wow, could anything mean more to me right now than this? Pray and seek for strength to change our circumstances rather than pray for our circumstances to be changed. Once again, stop praying that you won't have to deal with your addiction anymore but instead pray for strength to change the hold it has over you. 

There are many more but I let you find them. 

So I am managing, while also hoping, praying, and stretching that I can improve become better, and stronger in the Lord. Oh yea, and HAPPY SPRING!!

xoxox
Barb