As per requested.....

Sorry to the rest of you, but I have had a request to post a picture of my post marathon toes. The second toenail on the left has now completely gone. So post marathon life has been HARD, big surprise as pre marathon life was HARD.

I am really struggling to find new routines, since the sun does not rise until 6:30 am and my children get on the bus at 7:20 am it doesn't leave a lot of outside morning time. And my 3 and 5 year olds are way to heavy to push in a stroller plus I really don't like running on the highway with my kids in a stroller, avoiding cars myself is one thing but with a stroller is just too scary for me. I have gone back to Kettlebells, but I still want more. So I have decided to start P90X again, and then do swings and snatches at night with Jesse. I want to break through plateau again and lose some more weight.

On Saturday I went running with some friends, and we ending up joining with a Terry Fox Run. We ran about 7km it felt great to run again, but my friends are a lot faster than I am and so my lungs really hurt for a while but I walked to try and calm them down, and then ran at my own pace. This is one thing I love about running, it is so individual. I have to admit it hurt my pride a little that I couldn't keep up after all I did just run a marathon, but then I thought maybe some one will see how slow I run and say "Hey didn't she just run a marathon?" " Maybe I could run one too." In fact the race that we joined was part of a all night run to raise money, and I think that one of the kids did end up running 43KM which is more than a marathon.

That brings me to Terry Fox. I love Terry Fox. Terry Fox makes me proud to be Canadian. He is one of our National Hero's. For a really good video of this incredible man click here. Really short version, he had cancer in his leg which had to be removed. He decided to raise money for cancer research by running across Canada, he ran 26 miles everyday he called the "Marathon of Hope." He ran every day until the cancer struck again, this time in his lungs. He passed away soon after. Now that I have run 26.2 miles this feat means even more to me. For another great Terry Fox story check out one of my dear friends blogs here.

I went to visit Linda last week she had me fill out a page that said "Write down 5 reasons you want to lose weight." This was harder for me than I would have thought. But this is what I came up with.

1. I want to wear size 10-12 pants.

2. I want to see how to live at 155 pounds. (How much do I eat? How much do I exercise? What do I eat?)

3. I want an BMI between 19-24.

4. I want to know what weighing 155 pounds feels like.

5. I would like to remain healthy for the rest of my life.

I feel like these are WEAK. I can at least understand why it has been so hard for me to commit to losing more weight.

These are all things that I want but do I REALLY want them?

Am I really ready to put in all this hard work in order to get them?

Right now I am say "yes, I think so."

Which is silly, it needs to be a

"YES! I WANT THOSE THINGS. YES I WILL GIVE THOSE THINGS TO MYSELF."

I can and will create my own reality. I can and I will do this for my self. So just like the training for the marathon, through consistency, and commitment I CAN, I WILL, I AM.

I will journal everything that goes in my mouth.

I can exercise six days a week.

I am going to be 155 pounds.

xoxo

Barb

Here we go...

The race started late, there was a mix up with the buses or something. I was so glad that David and I had got there early because the amount of stressed that would have caused me.... yikes don't want to think about it.

I was at the back of the pack and there wasn't any gun or count down or anything we just starting moving forward. The sun was rising a little by now but not a lot. It is a weird feeling, the bouncing of about 500 people together as we get funnelled through the starting gate. I keep breathing and saying to myself, "It is just another long run it is just another long run, keep focused on the moment, enjoy yourself, breathe it in, stay in the moment."

I meet two other women who seem a little scared, we chat for a moment it is their first marathon too, they say, "It seemed like a really good idea in January." I wonder why, why are they really running a marathon? I question myself "Why are you really running a marathon?" But the flashback to CBC sports when I was a little girl watching the runners, and crying. I knew then I wanted (needed?) to do that. So I know why, because there has always been a marathon in me needing to get out. Today I release my marathon.

David stays with me for the first mile, we don't talk very much, my teeth are cold from the HUGE smile on my face. I am so happy to be here, there is no hesitation, no what if's, no knots in the stomach, I am running and I love to run. There is so much chatter going on around us, it makes me feel very calm I love that I don't have to talk, but that I can listen. The scenery is beautiful, and a lot like home, thick brush, and trees, with a stream rolling along. I think for the first time ever that maybe I could live in Idaho. I am trying to go slow, because that is what the plan is go slow at the start not to go out too fast. I do this by breathing easy, and keeping pace with my breath.

At mile two David gives me a quick hug and goes. I am not sad to see him go. I am only peaceful, it is crazy to me how much I am enjoying this. I am wearing a long sleeve t shirt that I remember buying when I weighed 285 pounds, it was a little tight then and I bought it so I could wear it underneath another shirt. It is very baggy now I brought it along so I could dis card it on mile three after I warmed up a little. I am freezing while running, it helps keep me mindful, but even my toes are cold. I keep telling myself to enjoy it because I will be ending in the sun. I dedicate this mile to my Heavenly Father, I spend most of the mile telling him how grateful I am for all the blessings in my life.

Close to mile three is the first water station, they are all in PJ's. I stop and use the potty, and drink G (Gatorade). I also decide to keep my shirt until the next station at mile 5. It is still really cold.

Miles 4-5 come and go at mile five I use the potty again, I am so nervous about having to use the ditch with everybody running by, that I just keep using the potties whenever they show up. I eat oranges and bananas. I really do ditch the shirt at this station they tell me it will be at the finish line, I tell them I don't need it anymore. As I run away from my "big, baggy, overweight, shirt" I feel vulnerable, the cold is still there, but it is also very freeing to have it off. I say goodbye to it for better or for worse, it is gone and I won't be picking it up again. These miles are dedicated to Linda, and all my peers in the lifestyles program. I wouldn't be doing this without them. I think about them, pray for them, thank my Heavenly Father for them.

I hit some sun at mile six the tune "Here comes the sun do do do Here comes the sun do do do do and its alright." I put on my sunglasses rub my arms and smile into the first rays of sun. I love it. I pass a cabin about two hundred feet off the road with a man standing on the porch. I wave he rings a bell. It makes me smile even bigger. I chat with a group of ladies behind me they are from Utah. I overhear that the older gentleman in front of me is running his 181st marathon and He is 74, but didn't start running until he was 65. He is also the vice president of the 50 marathons 50 states club, who is having a convention in conjunction with this marathon.

Mile 7 is a little switch back we run up a hill and then back down it. David is waiting at the start of it he has already run it. He gives me a another hug and high five, tells me I look like I doing great and is gone again. I won't see him for the rest of the race. He finishes 40 minutes faster than I do, I am so proud of him. Running up hill feels great since most of it has been down hill so far, running up hills always makes me feel strong. There is a huge head wind I am once again freezing!! But it disappears at the turn around. There is a herd of sheep in the field I love them. I realize that as I am running back down the hill that there is only one or two people behind me. This is an odd thought.

I am still trying to decide how I feel about this at mile eight, where I use the potty again. When I get out of the out house they are packing up the station. I am in last place. I drink some G. Take some deep breathes and do some mental exercises about calming down. I deal with it. Ok so if I end up in last place well what if? Am I going to stop? Am I going to give up?

NO, NEVER, NO NEVER. My chant runs through me head.

I am a marathoner. Running makes me powerful and I love it. I run four days a week. I never miss a training run. I NEVER quit on a run. I am healthy. I am strong. I love my body. I am prepared to finish. I am a marathoner, and Heavenly Father is helping me succeed.

I decide to go for it. I have previously decided to think of the marathon in two ways. Run the last six miles first so when I got to mile six I only had 20 miles left. Guess what I have run 20 miles before so I know I can run 20 miles again. Also I had decided to cut the race up into three eight mile segments. It is eight miles from my home to Cardston. So all I was really doing was running from my home to town three times. Easy right. Done it a tonne of times before. I know all of the mile markers in my head. 1st mile is to the pavement, 2nd to the church, and so on. So as I leave mile 8 I decide ok enough with the slowness let's go, I am already last so if I really do end up last well then I haven't lost anything.

It feels so good to run a faster down hill it seems easy, I pass some people, including the Utah ladies say wow as I pass them. I keep up the pace until mile 10 in which I walk for a little while. At mile ten I get really excited because I am almost at the 1/2 way mark. Plus only 16 miles to go, I try to calculate how many times I have run 16 miles but it just makes me more tired. I take some gel, I am so nervous about trying to eat this stuff. But I do it. I am almost more proud of me keeping that gel down then finishing the marathon. It tasted like a mouthful of warm bumble berry jam. AHHH it was really bad. I don't need to use the potty anymore my body has finally adjusted.

I have to admit the next 3 miles seem to crawl by, mostly because I really want to be at the 1/2 way mark. I do see a dog that is an older version of Mac, and I talk to him for a while. The homes are beautiful. Every turn I am waiting to see if I recognize anything. My calf muscle start to cramp and hurt it stays that way the rest of the race.

I finally reach half way I am so excited I relive everything from last year. Being with Rita and Brent at the start, the way that race felt compared to what I feel now. I am completely rejuvenated, and I think oh I am running with Rita now, but I have to stop thinking that way because it makes me start to cry. It seems weird to me how familiar the course is. I remember a lot of it. I see way more relaxed. I run into the two girls, from the start of the race who are running their first marathon too. We chat, about nothing, one of the girls is going to be on Home and Garden TV the next day even though they filmed it in April. I run into the 74 year old man who tells me I am doing great for my first and that I will finish just fine. I am so thankful for this because I am assuming that if He is running his 181 marathon he knows what he is talking about.

During miles 13-19 I run with an older gentlemen and his son or maybe grandson. It is the son's first marathon too. They are excited that I am from Canada. There is a group of three older gentlemen chatting it up they are so cute and make me smile, they are dressed in long socks and short shorts, hats, and sun screen on their noses. Some miles seem long some seem to be really short. I am starting to run/walk now. It is very familiar to me because this is how I started running. "Ok Barb, you can run to that mailbox, that driveway, that big rock, the water station."

Mile 19 and my Calvary arrives.

Brent my brother in law. He had run the 5k and placed 1st in his age group and 5th overall, and then turned around and ran back up the race route to come and find David and I. I was extremely excited to see him. I first asked how David was doing he said he was a mile or two in front of me and doing ok. Brent then explained that he had brought a water bottle with him and filled it with G. and he would hold it but I could use it when ever I wanted. He also explained that I didn't have to comment back to him if I didn't feel like it. I filled him in on all the runners stories around us. So we run, we walk, we run we walk. I am pretty sure that Brent is a computer programmer, in fact I am quite disgusted with myself for not really knowing what he does, but I know he is ridiculously smart and works with computers. Anyway I hope you can understand that he is not that chatty of a guy. My darling brother in law talked for 7.2 miles to me without so much as a "that's cool" response. I have often heard people say the last six miles of the marathon is really the last half of a marathon. I am sure that 7.2 miles for Brent seemed like a whole marathon. But it was a beautiful thing He talked I ran when I could and walked when I needed to. I felt no pressure whatsoever, I drank when I felt like it or when he suggested it. I even managed another gel package. I think at mile 22 or so.

The rest of the race feels hazy in my head. There was a hill that I ran 1/2 up. We run by a high school where I can hear the cheer leaders cheering for the team I pretend it is for me. One of the volunteers mentions that she could see my smile from a long ways away it makes me feel good, and also makes me wonder, I am smiling wow I don't think I knew that. There is the misting machines which I really love because for some reason they make me feel like I am a real athlete.

I get a little emotional a mile 24, wholly cow I am totally going to do this. I am kind of passing a lot of people and totally cheering them on. I pass one guy and say to him "Your doing great!" He swings his head toward me and says "uhh not as great as you." I later find out that he is a councillor in my sister's bishopric.

Mile 25, I am there. I am so there. One point 2 miles left. I actually start getting a little nervous. I don't know why, my legs hurt, and so does my left forearm(who knows why) I am tired but not like "ok I am done tired" just tired.

Mile 26 I get really excited really really excited. Brent and I talk about how we are going to approach the finish.

One block I tried to run but have to walk once more until I see the finish line.

Then I sprint to the finish, high fives to my kids and nieces and nephews who all kind of run with me to the end.

I try to hold the emotions in until I get through the line, at Brent's suggestion. I am running full tilt.

And then a slow motion moment.

I pass my Dad....He is standing there with a camera, I lock eyes with him, he winks at me, he pumps his fist into the air, and says "Good Job Barbie." It feels like he whispers it only to me. It is one of the most personal moments with him that I have ever had.

Then I am back to finish I feel like a machine, up down with the legs and the arms.

I cross the line, and immediately start crying harder than I have done in quite some time. It is a totally ugly cry, sobbing to be more accurate. I think I raised my hands over my head and said "I did it!"

I am so glad it is over, 16 weeks of my life, for a moment of pure joy.

And it is a moment.

AHHH but the moment is not over, I look up to see...

my friend Dawn who has driven 9 hours, and hung out with my family for 3 hours, to see me cross the finish line. I L-O-V-E- this picture it was totally worth the drive, thanks Dawn.

I continue crying and hugging everything and one in the place. I tell my fellow running comrades good job. And that's it.

I have decided that I actually learned more and got more out of the training for the marathon than the marathon itself. Well I did have a good time running the race it somehow felt like I had already finished it when I started it.

But the feeling I get when I whisper to myself "I am a marathoner" is worth every footstep.

xoxo

Barb

Perspective

September 2011 September 2010

8000 words

I was remarkably happy and relived when the alarm went off at 4:15 am. "Oh Thank heavens, lets end this sleepless night and get on with it."

My chauffeur, poor Dad always driving me to early morning seminary, basketball practices, and now drop off for marathons. He was darling and great and so supportive. I love my Dad.

I was so happy to have David with me for the bus ride and all the start stuff. I find this the hardest part to be alone for a marathon I don't mind once we start but being alone at the start is a little hard.

So funny we got dropped off in pitch dark and where told to walk this way, a happy throng for the most part but no signs or lights saying where to go it was a little spooky. We ended up at a barn, with the goats hanging around, some people went in the barn to stay warm. It felt a little like home.

Keep drinking.....

And as always line ups before the race.

This is the "Start" line, I really can't explain how dark it was.

It is crazy to me that I started at this and ended at this.

I just wanted to post something, I will tell you more of this journey later. Thanks for all your support and prayers, I felt them.

xoxo

Barb

I AM A MARATHONER

These are the words I have been repeating to myself for the last 16 weeks.

But first a catch up.

August 1 - 6

My Uncle Gayelynd pasted away after a long fight with Parkinson's disease. Some of my favourite things about Uncle Gayelynd is that he was one of the only men I know that wore a fisherman's hat. He loved hiking the same mountains that I do.With his passing my parents got to come home from their mission for a couple of days, it was like drinking nectar from the "Gods". I ran 18 miles that Friday. It is a moment for me as I greet the sun at the beginning of Waterton Park, I am here, I have arrived again at my life, and I love it. I feel my Uncle run with me, I ran it on Friday because the Parade was on Saturday. Fun as always, and beautiful weather.

August 7 - 13

Sara and I make our annual visit to the Children's Hospital. We are able to stay at the Ronald MacDonald House. It is hard to explain, you are staying in a place with people going through the hardest stuff, and yet here is a Haven for them. It completely restores your faith in humanity. We had a cater meal while there, also a reptile show, and a sweet couple help us make some bead projects. We were there Tuesday through Thursday. It was as always humbling. Sara did great, I love her, and love the secret time we get to spend with each other.

I run 20 miles on Friday because Jesse and I are going to Kalispell with our wonderful friends. While I run the 20 miles I ponder over the blessing of a healthy body and run with all the pictures on the wall of the Ronald MacDonald house, the pictures of the kids who are now able to run in Heaven.

I really chaffed bad at the end of the 20 miles which made it really hard to run my body was not tired my spirit was great but wow did that every hurt. It took me Saturday to recover. But I did it I now feel ready pumped and primed to run this marathon. After all, it is just six more miles, but it is often told that the last six miles of a marathon is the last 1/2 of the marathon. But you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sara not so impressed with the reptile show.

Well I have never done this before.

August 14 - 22

We going camping with my kids, 4 days in Kalispell, and 4 days in Great Falls. It is freezing at night and beautiful durning the day. This is one of the highlights of my summer, just being with the kids in nature. We spend the first four days with Jesse's family, and the next four with mine. Absolutely glorious. I start "tapering" so run 5, 8, 5, and then only 9 on Saturday. It feels great. I get to run in the Mountains and city streets.

I am so proud of myself for getting it all in there.

Beautiful scenery and kids.

Can't go camping without Kettle bells a work out on the road, I am telling you it is the perfect exercise solution.

This was so much fun.

August 23 - 31

I feel like a guilty man headed toward the gallows, the impeding starting of school, is already causing fights, and sadness around my house. We still get in some horse riding, school supply shopping, Waterton trips, and trips with other friends to finish up a glorious summer. I continue with the tapering. I go see Linda and we come up with a meal plan for the next two weeks. I get to choose what I want to eat and then just circle it. I decided to do this more for mental than physical. I just want to be able to know that I have done everything I can to help me succeed for this marathon. And succeed I WILL.

BREAKFAST

Eggs with mushrooms, peppers, and hash browns

Oatmeal with fruit and nuts

Smoothie with fibre bar

SNACK

Apples and peanut butter

Yogurt and apple sauce

Laughing cow cheese with pepper or carrots

Laughing cow cheese with bran crisp

Humus with snap peas, celery

Humus with bran crisp

LUNCH

Salad with nuts, chicken, fruit

Tuna wrap with salad

Stir fry with quina

Quina with salsa and cheese

SNACK

Apples and peanut butter

Yogurt and apple sauce

Laughing cow cheese with pepper or carrots

Laughing cow cheese with bran crisp

Humus with snap peas, celery

Humus with bran crisp

DINNER

Chicken with vegetables and rice or quina

Beans with qunia rice and veggies

Hawaiian haystacks

Taco’s

TREATS

Crystal light Watermelon

Dairy Queen frozen treats Freeze’s (3)

Am I nervous? Yeah, sure but not with anxiety, it is more like pent up energy, somewhat a kin to a race horse going into the gates.I have been using my mental video''s, positive self talk and deep breathing to get through this week. This has taken me 16 weeks to prepare for but really it has been in the making for 36 years.

So yes this is the chant in my head.

"I am a Marathoner. Running makes me powerful and I love it. I run four days a week. I never miss a training run. I love to run hills. I never quit on a run. I am healthy. I am strong. I love my body. I AM PREPARED TO FINISH.

I AM A MARATHONER AND HEAVENLY FATHER IS HELPING ME SUCCEED."

xoxo

Barb

Church Talk on Agency July 2011

I first have a challenge for all of you, go home today and prepare a talk on agency. It doesn’t matter that you never give it, write it in a journal, put it on your blog. The amount of information, or talks given on agency in the last 10 years is absolutely astounding to me. It gave me goosebumps as I browsed through the information in preparation for this talk. It seems that we are being heavily reminded about the gift, power, and responsibility of our agency as children of God.

So the first thing is our gift of agency that we received from our Heavenly Father and older brother Jesus Christ. I call it a gift because it has been brought and paid for with the heavy price of first Gethsemone and finally on the cross at Golgotha.

Pres David O. McKay said:

“Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man.”

This gift was decided upon in our premortal life. We have already heard this month about the War in Heaven so I will only touch briefly on it. But it is crazy to me, when you think about it, HEAVEN. As far as we know there was only one war, and that war was “primarily over how and in what manner the plan of salvation would be administered to the forthcoming human family upon the earth. The issues involved such things as agency, how to gain salvation, and who should be the Redeemer.” (Bible dictionary) This was important enough to destroy our Heavenly Peace with a War. This gift was important enough for our Heavenly Father to cast out 1/3 of his children, so the rest of us could have it. And so it is that Agency the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. Is essential to the plan of salvation with it we are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death according to the captivity and power of the devil. (Elder Robert D. Hales)

I have a testimony of the gift of agency. That testimony has been tremendously strengthened over the last two years of my life as I have used it to help myself become healthier through weight loss. I testify that there was a war in heaven,and that The warfare is continued in mortality in the conflict between right and wrong, between the gospel and false principles, etc. The same contestants and the same issues are doing battle, and the same salvation is at stake.

Satan has developed tools of addiction of every kind to try and remove agency from our lives. I am so grateful that my eyes have been opened and I can see my fight a little more clearly.

Which brings me to the power of agency. Pres. Boyd K. Packer related the following.

The old saying “The Lord is voting for me, and Lucifer is voting against me, but it is my vote that counts” describes a doctrinal certainty that our agency is more powerful than the adversary’s will. Agency is precious. We can foolishly, blindly give it away, but it cannot be forcibly taken from us.

One way we can give away our agency is to not have our desires in line with our eternal persepctive.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated:

Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming.

Elder Richard G. Scott put it this way:

We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.

Using our agency everyday, to meditate on scriptures, to focus our desires on our health, family, church responsibilities, and fulfilling our mission here on earth gives us a power to thwart the devils temptations.

Again Elder Scott says

“You cannot be passive in life or in time the natural man will undermine your efforts to live worthily. You become what you do and what you think about.”

In Pres Mckay’s book “Man may know for Himself” is found one of my favourite quotes.

“Every man and every person who lives in this world wields an influence, whether for good or for evil. It is not what he says alone; it is not alone what he does. It is what he is. Every man, every person radiates what he or she really is. . . . It is what we are and what we radiate that affects the people around us.

He then continues to encourage us.

“As individuals, we must think nobler thoughts. We must not encourage vile thoughts or low aspirations. We shall radiate them if we do. If we think noble thoughts; if we encourage and cherish noble aspirations, there will be that radiation when we meet people, especially when we associate with them.’ (Man May Know for Himself, p. 108.)

Maybe all of us need to consider for a while today what exactly our influence is? This of course where our agency steps in we all have influence but how are we using it. I hope it is one of love, of positive reinforcement, one of forgiveness, one of humility for what my Heavenly Father has given to me. That is my desire.

Back again to Elder Oakes

“When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and our power to act increase enormously. If our righteous desires are sufficiently intense they will motivate us to cut and carve ourselves free from addictions and other sinful pressures and priorities that prevent our eternal progress. We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering and permanent.”

I have a testimony of the power of agency, just like David hurled his stones at Goliath to defeat him we to can hurl our righteous desires in Satan’s face to ultimately defeat him.

And that brings us to the responsibility of agency.

Pres. Monson said:

“with the right of choice come the responsibility to choose. We cannot be neutral; there is no middle ground.”

I have to remind myself quite often that we are not here on earth for Recess. We are in the exam room. We are being tested. So ultimately life is hard. So what I have decided is that we get to choose our hard. Being a member of this church is hard, chances are if your here long enough you will be throughly offended, hurt, and even sometimes ignored.

But as Elder Neil L. Anderson put it

“The Lord said ‘Thou mayest choose for thyself.’ I promise you, as you choose not to be offended or ashamed, you will feel His love and approval. You will know that you are becoming more like Him.

Will we understand everything? Of course not. We will put some issues on the shelf to be understood at a later time.

Will everything be fair? It will not. We will accept some things we cannot fix and forgive others when it hurts. Will we feel separated on occasion from those around us? Absolutely. Will we be astonished at the times to see the anger a few feel toward the Lord’s church and their efforts to steal the struggling faith of the weak? Yes, but this will not deter the growth or destiny of the Church , nor need it impede the spiritual progress of each of us as disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I have a testimony that we can use our agency to react to all of life situations. I wake up every morning and choose to be happy. Sometimes I have to make that choice every five minutes in the morning, and sometimes I forget that I made that choice, but I know that happiness and peace is a choice that I can make. So we all have a responsibility to choose our hard. Being happy is hard, being grumpy is hard, forgiving people is hard, holding a grudge is hard. So choose your hard. As we do this our character is built.

Elder Richard G. Scott said:

“Strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life. Such choices are made with trust in things that are believed and when acted upon are confirmed...

He continues.

With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what is His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow.”

I now am so grateful for the gift, power, and responsibility of agency. It was not always so, I remember being a little girl and thinking “ really satan’s plan was that everybody got back that doesn’t seem so bad.” But I think President Monson put it best. When he said;

“We know that we had our agency before this world was and that Lucifer attempted to take it away from us. he had no confidence in the principle of agency or in us and argued for imposed salvation. He insisted that with his plan none would be lost, but he seemed not to recognize - or perhaps not to care - that in addition, none would be any wiser, any stronger, any more compassionate, or any more grateful if his plan were followed.”

Oh I am overwhelmed at the love that my Heavenly Father has for me, that would put a plan in place so that I can become wiser, stronger, be filled with more compassion and become eternally grateful for all of His gifts to me. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

xoxo

Barb

(Remember to click on the highlighted versions to see where the sources are)

Dear Self

I am writing to tell you that I forgive you!

Yes I forgive you for

*the hotdogs

*the smores

*the cake

*the muffins

*the licorice

*the granola bars

*the ice cream

*the chocolate chips

*the cup cakes

*the lack of food journaling

and even

* the extra five pounds

I understand that you are stressed about a lot of things. I understand that you are trying to "enjoy" your summer. I want you to remember and know that I love you! I want you to know and remember that you are a daughter of God, and because of this you always have his power, love and ability to repent with you! Remember to be nice to yourself, remember to treat yourself the way you treat others including your children. Remember you are important. Remember:

The power behind you is greater than the problem in front of you.

Get up and get back on! You can do this, and remember that you want to do this! Please help yourself, your the only one that can. Keep asking your Heavenly Father to help you. He has helped us in the past and He will help us again. We can do this! We will do this! We are doing this! Love you so much!

xoxo

Barb

It has been a busy month....

So maybe these will explain why I haven't been posting very often.

Started a new tradition picked up the kids and went hiking on the last day of school. We had a blast.

Ran the Cardston Kids Marathon with all of my children. So fun and such a great party. Click on the name to find out more.

Went hiking up "Bear's Hump" as a whole family, I carried most of the water in my back pack. Wasn't even tired felt like I could have done it three more times. That has never happened in my life. I feel stronger than ever.

Went camping in Waterton with 3 out of my 5 siblings to celebrate our wonderful Country. I love living in Canada.

Training is going good, I had a hard, 12 mile run last saturday, but I finished it. I will run farther than I have every ran before this Saturday, 14 miles. Wow! I am deliciously excited.

I am a little frustrated that I am back up to 177. I have been there since April, but really I am too excited about the rest of my life to focus on not losing weight right now. I know that if I stick to the program it will come off, eventually, and I am feeling so good right now, that if it takes another year to lose the last twenty pounds so be it!

xoxo

Barb

Nurturing does not equal food.

I need some help. I am currently constructing a list of ways to nurture my children without food. So I need idea's on how to do this, and as one of my sisters says "The best idea is a lot of ideas."

So far I have come up with

Let them help me clean or clean with them.

Read a book.

Make a play fort.

Go on a walk.

Do their hair.

Listen to them.

Where is this coming from??? Well I found a deep hidden belief last week. The belief is that when I want to take care of something I feed it. You can see that for a food addict this is a belief that needs to be change or rewired. And of course that takes me back to one of my favourite quotes.

"How to change; Change your THINKING, which will change your FEELINGS, which will change your, ACTIONS which will change your LIFE."

So in order to change or rewire this belief, I am starting a list of ways I can nurture not only my children but other people in general. I believe by having a physical list to look at will help me change my Thinking and so on.

I have also started a new practice. When I am doing an activity that is suppose to be nurturing to myself I actually say it out loud.

"I am nurturing myself right now by................."

Some of the activities have been going for a walk, taking a bath in the morning, turning on music, sitting out on the porch, reading a page of a book. All of this nurturing talk reminded me of another quote.

"You do not have to earn your worth you brought it with you. Nothing you do or do not do will affect your worth. It does not depend on your family of origin your appearance your performance your position or your husbands position or anything else."

I think I got this from my sweet Mother-in-law. The thing I love about this quote is that I feel like it gives me permission to nurture myself. I don't have to earn anything, I have already brought it with me. Now that doesn't mean I don't set goals and reward myself for accomplishing them. But I can just randomly nurture myself any time. In fact I am really good at nurturing myself, I just used to do it with food. Hence why I weighed 285 pounds. I just need to remember to nurture myself in other ways now. I know, I know, the food is a really convenient, easy access way to do that, but it wasn't and isn't really working for me. So we are going to program other things in there.

Mean while the marathon training is coming along. Ran a total of 19 miles last week broken into 3, 5, 3, and 8. This week I will run a total of 21 miles. The mileage is starting to add up, my body is feeling it. I have decided to use the train of thought that my body is getting strong. If I wasn't feeling it then it wouldn't be getting stronger, so I need to feel some pain in order for my body to get stronger.

I have also constructed two mental video's one of my favourite runs and the other of what it will be like to finish the marathon. I keep practicing running them through my head. I have also used this in my weight loss. I have made a mental video of me turning down dessert, food that I really don't want, even just enjoying the healthy food, or good portion sizes of food. I have made video's of times when I have felt in control of the food addiction that I have. I am currently working on a video of when I reach my goal weight of 155. The way I make these video's is by journaling the scenes. If it is one that has happened I write down what I was wearing, what was the smell, how did I feel, who was with me, where was I, how did I get out of the situation? If it is one that hasn't happened I do the same thing only a little more general like I will be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I also try and focus more on the feelings. I just made these this week so I will try to remember to report back to you on how they are doing.

The other thing that helped me last week was something that Linda said. I was whining to her about how hard it is right now because I don't really need to lose weight but I want to. I said it seems like it was easier when I needed to lose weight because I was unhealthy it was dangerous and I wanted to be there for my kids. Linda said nope she said the "Want" is way more important than the "Need". I found out last week that, is completely true. I haven't really wanted to lose weight in a while. I wanted to enjoy my birthday, I wanted to finish the 1/2 marathon. But last week I wanted to lose weight and I did. So it is a interesting question to ask yourself. If you really really want something, what hidden agenda is keeping you from it? It is never easy to get something you want. You will have to change a lot of comfortable things in order to get it, but you and Heavenly Father will work it out, and maybe move a few mountains in the mean while. Remember you are never alone. If you have prayed and received an answer that your "want" is a righteous desire, then put every energy you have into obtaining that which the Lord will provide for you. No matter how hard, or how long, you only fail when you give up trying.

xoxo

Barb

The rest of the story

I have never enjoyed a race more than that of last Saturday. Didn't get up until 6:30, ate a good breakfast, oatmeal, and Gatorade. Brother picked up my daughter and I, left the rest of the kids home because my dear sweet sister was at my house, so I didn't have worry about my kids.

Got there said hello to hubby, siblings, and friends. Then lined up for the race, and I didn't know there was a special lady there to shoot the starting pistal. Her name is Lori Morrison, I remember Lori from my youth as one of those women who ran long distances, she was one of the first people to plant the question in my head, "Could I do that?"

And just like that we were off, for me the first part of the race is always daunting, so I often have to think one foot in front of the other one foot in front of the other. I had previously decided to not turn on the music until mile 3, I don't why, maybe to give me something to look forward too?

We come to the first water station, and my friends Jim and Anita are there. Jim and Anita are also on the way to choosing a healthier lifestyle. Last year Anita and I were at Stake Young Women's camp together and she climbed Table Mountain the best she could, it was one of the most inspiring things I have ever seen. They are also good friends with my in-laws and are the kind of friends that help you out in a pinch. I pass by, they give me Gatorade and good cheer. My brother David darts ahead, this is his game plan the whole time, he will run at his pace which is a lot faster than mine and then walk for a while until I catch up to him in which we compare what is hurting and who is at the water stations, and what music we are listening too. I love him beyond measure. He has always made it very easy for me to picture my other "Brother", and how he would give his life for me.

At mile two, is a heart break. It is Jesse's cousin manning the water station, her mother passed away from cancer over three years ago and she is the reason that the race was started to raise funds for cancer. I think about Aunt Karen, how she actually in some way is still fighting her battle with cancer, because of this race, only in she is doing it in our Heavenly Home. Jocelyn her lovely, smilie, and humours daughter gives me Gatorade and encouragement.

Mile three, music on, and another good friend, Kim Weston. She actually leaves her water station and runs to me, grabs my hand as we both cry and run toward the water station. She was training for this run, but got hurt which put her out. She was also best friends with my Aunt Karen, and helped her through the end of her days. Her daughter hands me Gatorade and smiles cheerfully. I take careful sips, toss it in the white garbage bucket, and look ahead. Only to see my darling sister-in-law snapping photos at the top of the next hill. She has my job this year I am usually the one taking photos, I try to keep my eyes open, only to remember that I am wearing sun glasses. But the smile is easy for the picture. I can't believe I am really doing this. I am here running this 1/2 marathon, instead of being on sidelines behind a camera. Oh thank you, Heavenly Father for my body, thank you for your help, love, and commitment to me. I could not have done it without you. We get the first pass by of my brother in law who has his truck full of kids who are all yelling out the window "Go, Go, Go!"

Mile four is a reminder of how quickly life can change. Also, that what every happens to you, you always have the choice of how to respond to it. At this water station are two relatives, one who has just finished another round of Chemotherapy, and Aunt June. The first has worked all his life to provide for his family. I imagine he also wanted to retire and be the Grandpa he always wanted to be, his goals now might include seeing his children married? He is jovial, I have never seen him without a smile on his face. Aunt June is one of the most positive people I know, and also has been through more heartache than I can imagine some of which includes loss of a husband, and family. I believe that she chooses every day to get out of bed, and put a smile on her face, she chooses to serve others in any way she can. It reminds me of an experience I had while my daughter Sara was in the Children's Hospital in the Oncology unit. There was another mom there with her son who was receiving Chemo, I attempted to make conversation with her and she shot me down big time. Her mother over heard the whole thing and said to me after "Please forgive her, she isn't dealing very well right now." Of course, who could blame her, she has more right than anyone else for being bitter. But then I meet another mom, who choose to take the other way and stay positive through the whole thing and actually find ways to help serve others while she and her daughter were there. And for the first time, I realize happiness, joy, peace, they are choices, not just feelings or things that happen to you. I am reminded that I choose these things too and some of those choices have brought me here running on a black top pavement toward a goal that I have worked very hard to succeed at. My brother in law has parked the truck with the kids sitting on the tailgate all cheering for everybody but they get louder for their Uncle David and I. I wish I had a camera but can't imagine the extra weight.

Mile five I am met by an old boss who, has given so much for our little community. He has worked most of his life to help our community with recreation activities to help keep us as fit as we would allow ourselves to become. I imagine when I was working with him I probably weighed anywhere from 230 to 250lbs. I look at him as he hands me Gatorade and say would you ever imagined I could or would do this?? He smiles his darling smile and giggles and little, and before he answers I am off again. Here I run into my Gen who is taking pictures of me, I yell at her "What are you doing your suppose to be at a conferance?" She yells back "I am going, but first I have to take these beautiful pictures of you. You are doing so great!" I love her, she is married to my friend Nathan that I mentioned later. I love it when your friends marry people that make you like them more. (Sorry Nate but it is true.)

Mile six at this point I have run across the highway a few times to give high fives to friends of my who are already on their way home, I am yelling and cheering for those on there way home. This is the great thing about this sport, yeah is competitive but the competition is between you the road, and your beliefs it rarely involves other human beings. I see my childhood friend Nathan who started training for this race three years ago because his brother in law was going through cancer. I am pretty sure he has run every year. You should check out his blog by clicking on his name. I think about his journey, and I am once again amazed at the abilities of the human spirit and body combined can do. I see my sister in law the one that took me to Boston with her, and love her so much and only want the best things in life for her, I am so grateful that for the moment she is living close. I also pass my brother in law Terry but I don't recognize him in time for a high five, I am delighted he is running today it is his first time. I imagine he must need the release because he has been at the children's hospital a lot lately with his son Rafe I hope that this race can be somewhat healing for him. David and I are running together when we see our sister Pam she is cruising, we dart across the highway again for another high five.

At this water station is a long time friend, well actually I went to school with his son, but I would still consider him a friend. He is an honest to goodness cowboy. The kind that might not wear wranglers all the time but has put his heart and soul into working the land and raising cattle. These really are a vanishing breed, he is always one of my favourite people to see anywhere, and always has a smile waiting for me just like he does now as he hands me some Gatorade. I feel like he is proud of me and what I am doing but also a little worried just like my Dad might be. I think he offers me a way out of running the rest of race but I can't really remember. It has started to rain, but I don't seem to notice, or if I do my mental training of "Hello rain come and run with me today" has kicked in so it hasn't really registered. I am at the turn around and start heading for home "Wow this has been fun so far I am not feeling anything I feel great" I think to myself. I dart across the road to tell the lady behind me how proud I am of her and how great she is doing she smiles and says thank you I am sure she thinks I am a crackpot. But oh well it made me feel good.

Mile seven comes and it is the Ranchers wife, I say to her "Are you surprised to see me?" she laughs and says of course not. I take the Gatorade and keep going. Mile eight seems to take forever the wind has picked up and it seems to be pushing me around a little, I start to feel tired for the first time. David has picked up speed he is way ahead right now. I start to self talk "Mile eight that is bull crap you just ran ten miles last week you are not tired at mile eight if you want to be tired you can be tired at mile 11. Ok I say, I am guess I am not tired."

David is waiting for me at the water station at mile eight but he is stretching out his calves, I yell at him without really slowing down, "Is that serious or are you just waiting for me?" he doesn't really say anything I am concerned for him. At this water station is my old boss again because his dear sweet wife has decided to walk with the person who is in last place that makes me want to cry. But she is exactly like that, she is one of the angels of quiet service. I believe these people will have the biggest mansions in heaven. I feel renewed by my self talk that I am not tired. I start to notice the traffic going by. I try and think of what they are thinking. Are they annoyed that they have to slow down a little? Are they in awe that I would ever think to accomplish such a task? Are they wondering what would ever posses a person to run this far in the rain? Are they inspired? Do they get the question planted in their head "Could I ever do that?" Uncle Barry drives by honks unrolls his window, asks "Do you want a ride?" I smile and shake my head no. "Do you want a chocolate bar?" I laugh and say "Not yet!"

Mile nine is windy, cold, and more rain. I get to the water station with Cousin Dick and Aunt June. Cousin Dick has brought donuts, he is so cute, the thought of eating one makes me sick. Aunt June is in the truck so I go and knock on the window. She then gets out of the truck (I didn't mean for that to happen) she gives me a big hug and tells me I am doing great.

The thing that really gets me to mile ten is that I know at the top of that hill I can see the Temple. The favourite primary song wanders over my thoughts as I run.

I love to see the Temple

I am going there some day

to feel the holy spririt

to listen and to pray

for the Temple is a house of God

a place of love and beauty

I'll prepared myself while I am young

this is my scared duty.

I feel extremely blessed to have grown up and live so close to a Temple. I am again so grateful for all those people in my life who have helped me prepare myself while I was young. I am reminded how my body is a Temple and a house for my spirit, and how it has been prepared for this moment. The tiredness is gone. I see Kim again at this water station she again runs out to meet me, tells me she is proud of me. I grab some Gatorade, and keep going. I do see the Temple and the corner for the last couple of miles home. I don't know how to explain my next friend that cycles by to you, he loves biking as much as I love running, he and I struggle with food addiction, he is an athlete with other commitments, and is working very hard at trying to balance things out. I always feel connected to him.

Mile eleven, my sister, sister in law, and brother in law drive by with all our kids. There are hands, hollers, and hoorays failing out each window. I love them, they love me, I feel like a superhero/Olympian. They make a couple more rounds. I come again to my cousin Jocelyn, at this water station she hands me water and smiles. I am distracted because the cheering convoy is parked around the corner, and I am wondering why? As I turn the corner for the last 2.1 miles my sister Pam jumps out of the car, and starts running with us. Yes she is already done the race and has come back to run the rest with David and I. I tell her she is crazy, I would love to cry, and tell her thank you, but it is not in me right now. For the first time David mentions that we are on track to finish under three hours, my heart skips a beat, which is kind of dangerous to do at this point. I lift my head, I really don't know how to feel. I am exhilarated at the thought of finishing under three hours but also reminding myself that what ever happens I will love myself. Another friend cycles up, I keep trying to get to know her better, but other things get in the way. She too is an athlete with other commitments right now. She tells me to stand up straighter, and I do. I tell her I am doing great and don't hurt anywhere, she says "Well then get moving it isn't a race unless it hurts." I tell her to go tell my husband I want a kiss at the end. She says ok and zooms off.

Water station 12 is alone, it seems fitting, I take water telling myself that I can drink the whole cup if I want. I tell David and Pam that I am going to walk to the next approach and then run. David looks at his watch and says "@#$!, no we are going to make this thing under three hours." I look at him, throw down my cool drink of water and start running again. It is us, the three amigo's trotting down the highway.

We turn the corner for home, I choke back a gasp of tears, I increase the length of my stride I will myself to get there, I will myself to go faster. All of sudden there is my sister-in law, with my nephew Rafe who runs out to me for a high five, he gives me strength, go faster. There is my mother in law, "Good Job!", she gives me strength, go faster. I feel it, I feel the running blood rushing through my veins, it feels like I sprint to the finish line. There wild amounts of applause. I get my plush towel. I stop smiling only to realize that my face is frozen in a smile. I am finished. I get hugs, hand shakes, and hails. My old boss hugs me, "Did I ever think it was possible of course I thought it was possible." After I demand a hug and a kiss from Jesse I head inside. Barry is there with a spread of runners delight. I head for the hot chocolate, I tell Barry, thank you and give him a hug. I want to tell him I am waiting for him. I am waiting for Barry to be ready to start his journey. I will continue to wait, because if there is anything I have learned it is that no matter what I do, I do not want to take away anyone's agency to do miraculous things for them selves. And that is the rest of the story ,well almost.

My sisters, brother, and their spouses are all in the gym with our rowdy kids running a muck. I am on a different plane.

I am peaceful.

xoxo

Barb

P.S. If I have quoted you wrong or missed you in this post I am sorry but that is how I remembered it and heavens knows my memory isn't the best. Please forgive me.