So most you probably know that my daughter Sara was born with a Tumour in her right kidney. I had a flash back to that last week and this was it. We were in the conference room with her team of doctors, to find out whether or not the tumour was benign (good) or malignant (bad). After they said it was benign the relief that flooding over me was true joy. But then they started talking about follow up treatments and such. The horror and absolute depression that hit me in that moment was great. I struggled with this a long time, because I felt like I should be happy and great because we didn't have to do chemo or radiation. I thought that we would walk out of the hospital and never look back that this thing or experience was over. I had no idea that it would take up the next three years of DR. appointments to Calgary and so forth. As I was struggle with this my darling sister in law Shauna told me that when you have something anything go wrong with your children sometimes you will still mourn the loss of that perfect child. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Mourning the loss of an idea. Mourning the loss of just having a baby and taking her home and life to be "normal". I think she also said that when you are mourning you will go through the five stages of grief.
Continuing Story
So the last couple of weeks have felt like hiatus. I feel like the tide has ebbed that things seem a little more easy. So I have been trying to stay in the moment and figure out what has changed? Why now? How do I stay here? That is when I had the flash back to the scene above and I thought about the last stage of grief.
I feel as though I have come to an acceptance about my life. I accept that I will not be able to eat food like everybody else. I accept that I will have to fight this my whole life or my disease/addiction will come back with vengeance. I accept that this is the fight I can fight right now in this season of my life this is what I can do for it right now. Maybe later I can run 5 marathons a year and increase my pace and train my guts out but for right now I can train for a local 1/2 marathon and I accept that. This is weight I am at right now I am handling my food the best I can right now and I accept that.
The more I focused on this I believe I can even go back and relive the rest of the stages of grief since we started at the end we will work backwards. Before Acceptance there is Depression. (click on the highlighted words to take you to the website where I got the 5 stages of grief from I don't know if it is reliable it seems like there is a lot of confusion on what the 5 stages really are but this works for me and I am not a physiologist so that is what I am using.)
"Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell."
The first one for me was a worry about whether I will be able to keep this up will I be able to keep the weight off? Will I be able to afford to eat better? Will it impact my family? Will I make people feel uncomfortable? The second was actually missing the weight. I realize that not everyone will understand this but for me my weight was a protection. It was an outer shell so that no one could get to me. It is very difficult and vulnerable to walk around without all that protection. There are some days where it feels like I am walking around naked with everybody looking at all my stuff. I have to separate myself from my old self quietly and it has to be not only in my physical habits but also in the recesses of my mind. As hard is the physical battle of weight loss is the battle of the mind is much more difficult.
Durning this phrase I used a lot of "If only" statements. If only I didn't have this addiction. If only I could eat like everyone else. If only I could just be better at this. If only I didn't have to journal everything. If only I could just have just one cupcake, cookie, chocolate bar.(Reality is I could eat one but I can never just have one. "One is too many a thousand isn't enough") If only I would have started sooner. If only I could run every day and eat perfectly and be in control all the time. If only I could live a solitary life where I could really say no to the things I don't want to do and yes to the things I do want to do. I don't know if this stage will really be ever over but I try to be aware of the "If Only" statements.
I think anger and rebellion are the same thing for me. For a long time I would get upset with this question.
Why?
Why can't I eat what my husband gets to eat?
Why do I have to deal with this?
Why do I have to journal?
Why do I have to go see Linda?
Why do I have to go to group therapy?
Not everybody has to do this so why do I?
My rebellion always came back to bite me. Oh I am going to be so bad and not write down my cookies. (In reality this just makes me feel out of control.) I had a group member say the most profound thing. It is a lie. Thinking that life should be full of easy things and we should be on a beach and do nothing but take care of our selves is a lie. He then followed up with this quote.
“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times… The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” ~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Crazy great and true right! Best moments running a marathon, being in college, reading scriptures, and figuring out what I really need instead of eating the feeling.
I think I lived here for long time. Jesse remembers me saying "I am just big boned" I am just this way I can't be skinny." I remember thinking "I am fine just fine, I have a testimony, I am a good person and I am doing just fine." I am a good person. But freeing me from the weight I have being caring around most of my life makes me a better person a person who is living a better life. Is it easier? No, not really. But always remember "Choose your hard."
I love what the website said about the five stages of grief.
"Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are."
So, I lost the weight, what is there to be grieving over? Well just like things with Sara, I mourn the loss of a different life. A life where I am free from this addiction. A life where I kill Goliath and he remains dead. A life where I don't have to fight everyday. I guess my question to you is what are you mourning? Where are you at in that process? The great thing is I also have knowledge that that my life that I mourn over will come.
"A anew bheart also will I cgive you, and a new dspirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony eheart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." ~Ezekiel 36:26
I know that I will be given a new heart, and a new spirit and I will be healed when I meet my Heavenly Father and go home.
xoxo
Barb
Great post Barb! You've given me much to think about in my own journey.
ReplyDeleteOh Barb! What an amazing post! Even though our "mournings" are different, the principals are the same. I, too, have been to each one of these stages. I still go back and visit them sometimes. The hard reality that I've come to accept is that life is meant to be hard. We will not feel comfortable in heaven if we haven't earned our way there, and earning our way there requires struggle, pain, disappointment, and endurance. Every person has a different curriculum when it comes to life experiences on earth, but whatever it be may be, we will eventually see that that particular set of struggles was the perfect way to teach us what we needed to know and to make us into the people we needed to be. Love the scripture reference, and I can't wait to be HEALED as well. Take care my friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks Coralee, this means a lot to me.
DeleteTHANKS BARB! Sometimes i wonder if you have a camera in my house as you post exactly what i need to hear when i need/am ready for it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I feel like I backtrack in my stages of grief. At least i know that I am not alone.
You. Are. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteAmen to all of it. I haven't quite reached acceptance as today was A REALLY HARD food day but I will get there. A really fantastic post!
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm just really glad that I know you.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the "New Heart and New Spirit" It's the Hope of something better that allows us to get through the "hard" of today. Keep on kido! You're doing great!!
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