Why Barefoot??

WHY BAREFOOT????
Because being barefoot to me is being raw. Feeling every sharp rock, lush clover, spiky thistle, cushioned blade of grass, slimy covered stones, fragrant feathered flowers, cereal of sand, bead of water, element of litter, and the mash of mud.

Being Barefoot is the promise of prancing in the moonlight, leaping in the waves, running through a meadow, dancing on the porch, and doing all this while enduring a long journey to the end.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Ok so

Don't know why I haven't been posting here. As I sit here staring at the keyboard, I am experiencing some feelings of being scared, frustrated, lonely, and tired. My last weigh in was 182, I am pretty sure that is what I weighed a year ago. I could go look it up but I am too lazy.

Deep breath, just keep typing.

Frustrated.
I am frustrated, that I have stopped losing weight. I am frustrated that I lack the commitment, to lose the last 20 pounds. I am frustrated that I will not be obtaining this last goal for 2011. Really to lose 20 pounds in a year shouldn't be this hard of a project. I am also frustrated that I am frustrated, because it is not like I am not happy about losing the other 103 pounds that is great. BUT I want to be over there not here. Here is great but it is not where I want to be.

Tired.
I am tired of this addiction. I am tired of the fight. I am tired of letting myself down. I am tired of feeling that I am letting everybody else down.

Scared.
Terrified of gaining more weight back. I have been between 175-183 for a year. I don't really know how I feel about it. Good - hey you have maintained for a year that is great. Bad - hey that isn't where we wanted to stop so wassss up?

Lonely
This battle makes me feel lonely. Nobody else knows that I ate two jelly beans , a piece of cake, and bowl of chips. Nobody else cares that I ate that either. I know I know I know just forgive your self and move on do better next time. But I hate next time. I want to do better now. I am lonely for the feeling I get when I hit new lower numbers. I want that feeling back. I miss that feeling. I am lonely for myself, after spending up to 4 hours a week with myself, God and the road while training for the marathon, I find that I really miss being quiet and being with myself. I have yet to find something to replace that.

This may sound worse than it is, I am fine.
Frustrated
Insecure
Naughty
ENOUGH!
xoxoxox
Barb
Posted by at

8 comments:

  1. Becky JonesNovember 17, 2011 at 9:27 AM

    This could have been my post today. If you don't mind I may repost it on my blog. You're not alone in this! I have my addiction to food! I ate half a box of crackers yesterday and several spoonfuls of ice cream and no one knew but I knew and I feel awful that I didn't have the self control to stop! It is such a battle everyday. After a year and a half of maintaining I am getting tired of the battle. I know it is worth it but shouldn't it be easier on this side. I sometimes long for the days of being 390 pounds when exercise and eating healthy didn't fill my mind every second of the day. Know that I'm battling this with you! WE CAN DO HARD THINGS! and THIS IS HARD!

    ReplyDelete
  2. GenNovember 17, 2011 at 9:37 AM

    Know you are not alone my friend...a piece of chocolate cake, a Large Mr. Big, a bowl of Spinach dip and Chips, 3 more pieces of a milk chocolate bar, and 2 pieces of Black licorice....bouncing up and down 5 pounds since last Christmas....Sounds like we need to talk more. Just know I looooveee you my friend, and even though it may not help knowing someone else is experiencing the same frustration, anger, regret and lack of self-control, maybe we can keep each other in line a little more. Sounds like we need this Saturday more than we know. Call me girl!

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  3. UnknownNovember 17, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Working out 2 hours a day, I have only lost 5-7 pounds since last December. I am in better shape, I look and feel better and can do things I never could before, but the scale says "meh". I eat pretty darn healthy, pretty much everything from scratch, my only junk food is dark chocolate and the occasional homemade cookies. But this is where my body is. Still overweight, but I have to focus on being strong and capable, and maybe next year I'll be down another 5-10 pounds . . .

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dixie DeeNovember 18, 2011 at 10:26 PM

    The most common phrase in the Book of Mormon is:
    "And it came to pass..." (tie the knot in the end of the rope and hang on, it WILL get better!) The scriptures say it, so, it is so!! luv ya! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownNovember 20, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    You're still my hero. I get a couple nights of poor sleep and my whole fitness program falls of the rails after only 8 weeks. I have the utmost respect for someone who can keep it going for more than a year like you have.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Patricia BeazerNovember 21, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    Sigh.

    Ya...... love you Barb......talk to you soon...

    thanks for posting MY feelings too....

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  7. JRONovember 22, 2011 at 10:15 PM

    Everything you write is so real, so what others are feeling... and you capture it. I love your open heart.

    ReplyDelete
  8. bdz132November 26, 2011 at 11:26 AM

    A bad day--or even week, month, or year--won't change how proud I am of what you've done. I know it's easier said than done, but try to use your fear, loneliness, and frustration as motivation. Don't let it be cause for discouragement. Yes, you are lonely at times, but you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete

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