Escape

I know, I know two posts in one week wow! I wanted to write about Escaping this week, but the first post came out so beautiful that I decided that it needed to stand on its own feet.

I miss using food as an escape. It was an easy way to reward, and not be here to experience the pain that this life can sometimes leave. Now it has become an evil word to me, seriously I hate the word escape. I still feel like I want to escape sometimes, but I really don't. I want to stay here in the moment. I really believe that is one of our life's purposes, is to stay in the fire and feel the burn, pray to get through it, and walk out the other side only to find ourselves fireproof.

The origin of word escape in Latin, means "out of cape." The ancient Romans would often avoid capture by throwing off their capes when fleeing.

Although fleeing my life is very tempting, I am starting to believe that, when you flee a situation it is because you fear for your life. You believe that you will be in mortal harm if you stay where you are. I know that is one reason I have used food in the past, because I really believed that I would fall apart if I didn't escape.

I now know that I am stronger than that. These are the words Geneen Roth gave me about the subject. "When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart." (Women, Food, and God, pgs 80-81)

It also brings me back to when you want to escape or run away, when you want to flee, turn around, stand where you are, and try to become in a Matrix state of being. Slow the world down. What do you smell? What are you fingers touching? Where are your feet? Is your mouth dry or wet? Hear your heart beat? Remember "YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD". You are the boss of your earthly tabernacle. You have the right to call upon the powers of Heaven to help you stand where you are instead of running away. When I am in this situation, it is as real danger to me as if I were standing in front of a Grizzly bear and I am slowly learning that I need to pray like I am.

There is a poem by Emily Dickson that I really love.

"I never hear the word "escape"
Without a quicker blood,
A sudden expectation,
A flying attitude.

I never hear of prisons broad
By soldiers battered down,
But I tug childish at my bars, --
Only to fail again!"



Yes when I first think about the word escape and all of its wonderful meanings:
–verb (used without object)
1.
to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty: to escape from jail.
2.
to slip away from pursuit or peril; avoid capture, punishment, or any threatened evil.
3.
to issue from a confining enclosure, as a fluid.
4.
to slip away; fade: The words escaped from memory.
5.
Botany . (of an originally cultivated plant) to grow wild.
6.
(of a rocket, molecule, etc.) to achieve escape velocity.
–verb (used with object)
7.
to slip away from or elude (pursuers, captors, etc.): He escaped the police.
8.
to succeed in avoiding (any threatened or possible danger or evil): She escaped capture.
9.
to elude (one's memory, notice, search, etc.).
10.
to fail to be noticed or recollected by (a person): Her reply escapes me.
11.
(of a sound or utterance) to slip from or be expressed by (a person, one's lips, etc.) inadvertently.
–noun
12.
an act or instance of escaping.
13.
the fact of having escaped.
14.
a means of escaping: We used the tunnel as an escape.
15.
avoidance of reality: She reads mystery stories as an escape.
16.
leakage, as of water or gas, from a pipe or storage container.
17.
Botany . a plant that originated in cultivated stock and is now growing wild.
18.
Physics, Rocketry . the act of achieving escape velocity.
19.
Computers . a key (frequently labeled ESC) found on microcomputer keyboards and used for any of various functions, as to interrupt a command or move from one part of a program to another.
–adjective
20.
for or providing an escape: an escape route.

The meanings of the word escape all seem great but as Emily said the first thought of escape gets my heart pounding but the follow through of eating to escape only makes my prison stronger.


I don't want to escape anymore. I want instead to become stronger by staying to fight the good fight.
Heavenly Father give me enough strength to do so.

The Waltz

I am officially OVER WEIGHT! No, this isn't negative thinking, what that really means is I am not OBESE. When Linda told me this, at this week's weigh in, it was a real moment for me. The first thought to enter my head, was

I used to be Obese. That was something I once was. I will never be that again.

With that said I wasn't really expecting it this week. I was doing a lot of "dancing" this week. Let me explain. Dancing to me is the waltz I have to do to live my life. It is baking cookies with my kids and eating a few with them, it is having a glass of sparkling cider with my husband at 9:30pm, it is also waking up at 5:30 am to work out so hard that I have to recover from the workout by lying on the couch crying! In the past I have been able to keep the waltzing at a minimum. But this week it just seemed to be there all the time. I had to be very aware of how many I was eating and why. I am sure it has to due with some terrible weather we have been having, and of course it being so close to Christmas.

I don't know if I have mentioned how much I love Christmas! My little family has huge Christmas traditions. Here are a few. We put up the Christmas Tree on November 12, out of respect for the dead and "Remembrance Day", which I believe in commemorating to the full extend! We also wrap up 52 Christmas stories, and put them under our Christmas tree, and unwrap one a night to read until Christmas. I always bake sugar cookies, ginger bread men, and fudge. What I have found, different about the baking of sweets, is that my down fall is "WARM". I am a sucker for a warm cookie. So I always have a plan to indulge in 2 or 3, and then the rest go into the freezer as fast as possible. It has also helps me to make on single batches of things instead of doubling to tripling. I find with a single batch I don't get as tired, and am able to control myself better. But all this has to do with "waltzing" because I am still really nervous about it. I am taking baby steps to trusting myself, and really staying in the moment. If I am going to have something naughty I want it to be because I can enjoy it. I don't want to eat it because it is there, or because I need an escape, or want to make myself happy. I want to it eat it because it is part of the moment. What a warm sugar cookie is to me is:
my wonderful loving mother sneaking a special one just for me,
my fathers voice reading a poem in front of the fireplace while the snow drifts outside
a fresh Christmas tree, with even brighter lights
sledding up and down drifts with my brothers and sisters
getting pulled behind a motorcycle on a sled with the snow flying up and burning my face
seeing my children dust covered in flour as they each choose the shape they want to make
visiting old friends who make a fuss over how wonderful I am
appreciating people and sharing some of blessed Mana with them so they know how much they are loved


What I have figured out is I don't need to eat a batch of sugar cookies in order to have those things but I will never deny myself ONE either. That would not be realistic.


Dancing is very dangerous. There is always the chance of being swept off your feet, or being lead around the floor instead of being the leader, but I believe with out dancing, one cannot live life or change LIfestyles.

And so you see with the amount of Waltzing going on this week I was surprised at the drop in weight. But I forget that dancing itself is a good form of exercise.

Management

My favourite quote this week is
"Life is about Management not Cure"

I feel like I am in management mode. I was exhausted, and paralyzed today. It started at 5:30am I did 45 mins. on the elliptical. I helped out a friend and took her children to town this morning at around 7:10am which made my children miss the bus, so then I had to take them to school. When I got home and fed the other children, and we watched the Polar Express together. Then I worked on a fireside which I have to give on Sunday. Talked on the phone to a couple of friends. Read Scriptures, and Ensign. Read Scriptures with the kids. Fed the kids lunch, did dishes, read a book, took a small nap with Maggie. Read more, welcomed home the kids off the bus, went to town weighed in, picked up pizza's for Young Women's, came home cooked pizza, went to YW's and walked back into the house at 9:20pm.

Come on Barb that was not a day wasted, but why does it feel like it?? Linda was a big help today at weigh in. She was happy and made me feel confident. I am just not feeling that strong lately, I don't feel weak either, but I just feel peaceful. Like I am ok. But I am not on fire. It is a different feeling for me, I feel comfortable. I found it interesting, the other night I felt like having a snack,it was the same old scenario, kids in bed, Jesse and I watching TV, and all of sudden I wanted something ie ice cream, apple pie, chocolate anything. I find it frustrating that I will always have that desire to eat in that situation and others like it. I didn't eat, because I don't do that anymore, but It was just a reminder that "Life is about Management not Cure." I am glad that I am feeling this way now because when I reach my weight loss goal I know it will be no different than it is now. I will always have those desires to eat when I don't need to. It does make me feel like I will be able to be successful in the long term which for me is the real success. Reaching all these weight loss goals is wonderful and great but to be able to keep off the weight for 5, 10, 25, 50 years that is the success I really want.

The real speech and a pebble passed.

Ok, so here is the real speech that I gave Last Monday at the Lifestyle Success night.


I am so excited to be here tonight. The Lifestyles Program has changed my life in a way I really didn’t know that I could. My incredible husband and I were talking the other night and he said “Do you remember when you once told me that you would never be skinny again because you just weren’t made that way?” Yes I did remember really believing that, and he looked at me and said with a wonderful smile “That was a lie”

Friends, it is a lie, nobody has to be obese.
I have lost 90 pounds in the last year and a half. (yes I deserve those applause)
I am great. I am wonderful. I am inspiring. BUT, so are you. (you deserve those applause) I am no greater than you I am no better than you, I am no more inspiring than you. I have hard stuff in my life and so do you. I am successful with this program and so you can be too.

Let me take you back too August 2009.

I get a phone call from the clinic saying there is an opening in the Lifestyles program, there is no excitement about this, maybe embarrassment, or nervousness but definitely no excitement.
I drag my 3 yr old and 1 yr old into Linda’s office at the clinic. They destroy her office literally, She says it’s ok we are working on moving down stairs. I ask her if this program is really possible to do while having small children at home she tells me about Patricia Beazer. I decide to have faith in Linda, and the program. I don’t think that Linda would lie to me. But there is a thought in the back of my head that says “ok lady I’ll do everything you want me to do and we will just see if it works.”

There have been times, I wanted to quit and I didn’t think I could do it. There have been times I thought I wasn’t going to lose anymore weight. But I just continued, journaling one meal after another, showing up for one appointment after another, attending one group therapy session after another, placing or sometimes even slapping one foot down on the pavement after another.

I wish it were different, I wish it was easier. But yet, then it wouldn’t feel so good. My new favorite saying is that “Nothing tastes as good as this feels.” And believe me, running that first mile didn’t feel very good, but crossing the finish of my first 1/2 marathon in September, felt like nothing I had accomplished before. Now running isn’t for everyone so you have got to find your thing. But you have got to start moving your body.

So why this program? There a million and one different weight loss programs out there, but I didn’t want to lose weight. I wanted to change weight. Lifestyles allowed me time to change weight, so I don’t lose a pound without being accountable to why I have lost it. And even sometimes it has helped me figure out why it was there in the first place. This is the success that I want to celebrate tonight with all of you. The reality that you and I can Change our Lifestyle permanently, and successfully. And with parties like these, have a little fun along the way.

Thank you.

It seemed to go over well. I felt good about it. Here are some pictures of what I wore.



And my friend Marilee was kind enough to take this picture of me while I was speaking.




There was also a mention in the paper about it! Overall a very positive night, I thought it was great.

Dr. Ali Zentnar was the keynote speaker she did a fabulous job. Click on her name to see more of her story. She is a very down to earth no nonsense person. While we were eating, I stopped by her table and said to her,"Look at the all the ripples from the pebble that you have cast." And tried to thank her. After I spoke she stood up again and told me that she was now passing the pebble to me to cast, so I can have my own ripples. This bothered me at first. I felt some kind of pressure, but it was only for a short time, when I then realized, that this is what I am doing with my blog.

Last week was very rushed, and wonderful, I was happy to maintain my 90 pounds, and know that as I stick to program, the weight will continue to come off. Although I did miss Friday and Saturday work outs, tomorrow is a new week and day, and I hope to get back on track.

Thanks again for all your supportive comments and now of course go make your own ripples.

1st attempt

Ok this is was my first attempt at my talk that I am suppose to give at the Lifestyles Success night on Monday.
After writing this talk I learned that I need to keep it to 3 minuets. This talk was clearly going to be too long, but I felt it was good enough to share it all with you. Hope you enjoy.

Hi, my name is Barb, and I am a food addict. Crowd says "Hi BARB” Good to know you’re all with me.

The lifestyles program has given me the tools I need to fulfill my life the way I am supposed to, and the way I want too. I am going to give you some snapshots of my 90 pound weight loss, journey.

May 2009
I went to see a foot Doctor because my feet hurt so bad, that I was actually starting to walk funny. He says you need to lose weight; I say I am trying to run but my feet hurt. He says you need to lose weight. I leave the office very hurt.
I talk to a friend, and neighbor, I say you look great, what have you been doing? She says Lifestyles at the clinic. I talk to another friend and neighbor she says Lifestyles at the clinic. I decide to pick up an application; I can’t run off this weight, so I guess it is time to work on the food.

August 2009
I get a phone call from the clinic saying there is an opening in the Lifestyles program. There is no excitement about this, maybe embarrassment, or nervousness but definitely no excitement.
I drag my 3 yr old and 1 yr old into Linda’s office at the clinic. They destroy her office literally. She says it’s ok we are working on moving down stairs. I ask her if this program is really possible to do while having small children at home she tells me about Patricia Beazer, everyone assumes I know Patricia but we have never met.
I decide to have faith in Linda, and the program. I don’t think that Linda would lie to me. But there is a thought in the back of my head that says “ok lady I’ll do everything you want me to do and we will just see if it works.”
I found a quote that describes this month
"This one step - choosing a goal and staying to it - changes everything." - Scott Reed

October 2009
My first real trial I have to take my daughter up to the Children’s Hospital for tests. How am I going to do this while being on the program??? I think I am going to quit, I can’t deal with trying to change my eating habits and myself while I am trying to help my little girl.
I decide to take it easy on myself.
This months quote
“Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." - Conrad Hilton

December 2009
I have lost 25 pounds. I just might be able to do this. Linda says that I should try eating just a salad for lunch. I smile and nod thinking in my head. “This lady is coo coo.” I still make sugar cookies and fudge for Christmas but I don’t eat all, yeah me, maybe I can do this.
I take some time to think about the real meaning of Christmas instead of eating everything I want.
This months quote
"If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a desert to travel. A star to discover. And a being within ourselves to bring to life."

March 2010
I decide to start getting serious about the program. I deserve to do this for myself. My family deserves a mom who would do this for herself.
I trade baby sitting with a friend, which is a really big deal because I hate baby sitting, and sign up for group therapy.
Weight loss is 35 pounds.
Quote of the month
"There's a very positive relationship between people's ability to accomplish any task and the time they're willing to spend on it." - Joyce Brothers

May 2010
I turn 35 years old and have lost 53 pounds. I speak at the Lifestyles Retreat. It is a life altering experience, I am doing what my Heavenly Father has sent me here to do. I am treating myself as a daughter of God. I am taking care of God’s greatest gift to me--my body. I write in my journal, “I really am going to be successful at this, and I can’t wait to see what will hit me next. Will it be a different size in clothes, passing a mirror and seeing my reflection, seeing an old friend, or meeting a new friend? Will it be running faster, longer, or discovering a new favorite vegetable dish?” I shop at a second hand store and things fit me, who knew buying trek clothing could be so fun. At the women’s pull at trek, I figure out, I won’t be able to do it on my own, I am going to need help. AND WHEN I NEED IT, HELP WILL BE THERE. I start quoting myself.

June 2010
I sign up for a 1/2 Marathon just 14 weeks away. Really! Oh well, “You can’t cross a sea by merely staring into the water.”
I write beside my 58 pounds lost“Giddy up”.
I write in my journal “I lost the 58 pounds, no one else did it, no one else can do it for me.”
I take the walk across the aisle at Walmart, I walk from the plus section to the other side, time seems to go into slow motion Really? Am I really here? There are a variety of colours I grab a couple of shirts like I am going to shop lift them and move to the dressing room to try them on. I walk into the dressing room like you would walk into a high business job interview so nervous you would like to puke but looking confident just the same. They fit, they fit, I want to tell the world in fact I think I did tell the cashier. “I am buying this XL t-shirt for me because it fits” Not only that but it costs $2 less.
I WANT THIS JOURNEY.
I pick up candy at the grocery store for Young Women’s that night, my four year old yells so everyone in the store can hear. “MOMMY WE DON’T BUY CANDY.” I am so proud I want to cry.
I start quoting my four year old.

July 2010
CLIMB A MOUNTAIN. I feel strong and of a good courage. I continue training for my 1/2 even at Girls camp running through the forest makes me feel, like my spirit is in control of my body.
I hit 70 pounds weight loss, and write beside it “WOW”.
I start a blog, because I miss, group, it helps me.
I am hiking up a storm with close friends, and my family.
This is who I wanted to be.
I run 8, then 9 miles.
I run on the new path in Waterton it is grand.
I run from my house to town along a road I have driven my whole life, I am superwoman.
I say goodbye to parents, as they leave on a mission I am reminded that I am also on a mission.
The quote of the month is
"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

August 2010
People start noticing that I am losing weight I think “really because I have been doing this for a year.”
I continue training for my 1/2 marathon the miles are adding up people are very supportive in their comments and honking as I run along the highway.
I run a bit with one of the women I have always admired.
I run up Whitefish mountain while waving and smiling at a whole parade of classic Model T-Fords. One couple stops and asks “if I am ok”. I laugh and say “yeah physically but maybe not so much here!” (pointing to my head).
I miss my mom and dad, and I find a new friend.
I take my daughter for more tests at the Children’s Hospital, it is scary, and sad for me, but I am with her in a way I have never been before. We talk about living in the moment and leaving the rest to God. I decide to “feel the feeling and not eat it”, I feel ALIVE, even though it hurts.
I go horse back riding, something I haven’t done for ages, because I couldn’t get on.
I AM LIVING MY LIFE.
I run with my Goliath, and beat him in the end.
I hurt my foot while running 12 miles.
Dr. Clarke x-ray’s my foot and gives me the go ahead.
I know that it will probably hurt while running the 1/2 marathon but it isn’t going to wreck it permanently.
I take the next week and a half off trying to heal up for the race.
I have faith in the training, I am ready.
I am at 76 pounds weight loss.
I am a little disappointed because I wanted to be at 80 pounds for my one year mark, and then I laugh at myself for being disappointed for losing 76 pounds.
The quote is
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - John Wooden

September 2010
I run 13.1 miles.
I run 13.1 miles.
I blog this about the last 1.1 miles.
Mile 13 Ok this is starting to look familiar. I am going to finish this. Some lady jogs by trying to get us to run with her and she is nice. It makes me feel a little bad that I can't make her feel good by doing what she asks, but it is just not going to happen right now. I am starting to cry a little; this is REALLY hard.

The last 200 meters I tell my sisters and brother in-law to go ahead and I will finish alone, they all say no but will be right behind me and promise not to talk. I see my brother who had run the 5 k and his little girl waiting for me. I look him in the eye and we both start to cry. I keep going. I am running now, I see the end, all of sudden there is my other two sisters, my parents, my children, my sister-in- law, and on the other side my husband. I only glance, the emotion is too much I have just got to finish. I hear the announcer talking about me he says I am from my hometown and CANADA. I raise my arms in celebration of me and my country. Then my sister is beside me yelling at him that we are sisters and that it is my first 1/2. There is a medal placed around my neck there are three water bottles in my hands and so much happiness and love it is hard to explain.
I take another week and a half off running, because of my hurt foot. I start training with Kettle bells.
I hit 80 pounds of weight loss and move my name up on the “board.”
The Quote is
Winston Churchill - “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

October 2010
I struggle with little to no weight loss on some weeks but I am not going to stop, I have 80 pounds worth of testimony, that this program works.
I hit under 200 hundred pounds, it has been over 10 years since I weighed that much. I celebrate with Jesse, and with my Group.
I take off for the weekend with some girlfriends, for shopping and a Five-K run. It is ridiculously fun.
I speak at a Relief Society meeting on “Change” it ends up being a wonderful, positive, night.

LAST SATURDAY - My two year old sees me tying up my running shoes, so she runs up stairs and brings me back my Pocatello 1/2 marathon medal. I put it on just to see her smile and she looks up at me and says “Go mommy go!”
How can I fail her?
How can I fail myself?
How can I fail God?
I can’t. And I won’t.
I am great. I am wonderful. I am inspiring. BUT, so are you. I am no greater than you I am no better than you, I am no more inspiring than you. I have hard stuff, so do you. I am successful with this program and so you can be too.

So I stand here before you today at 90 pounds weight loss, still a food addict, and one last quote: “my addiction is waiting for me in the parking lot.” But now I am not only a food addict but also a life addict.
Thank you.

Quote

My two year sees me tying up my running shoes, runs up stairs and brings me back my Pocatello 1/2 marathon medal. I put it on just to see her smile and she looks up at me and say’s “Go mommy go!”

How can I fail her.
How can I fail myself.
How can I fail God.

I can’t and I won’t.

VOTE

I need an "after shot" for the Lifestyles success dinner that I have to speak at, and I can't decide which one to submit. So I am asking you to vote! Just leave it in your comments if you like Picture 1 or Picture 2. They wanted an action sort of shot, not a fancy clothes shot. I need to submit this by Monday so vote fast if you can.

PICTURE 1




PICTURE 2

LIVING

Oh my, did I partake this last week.

For the first time ever, my group therapy did not go well last week for me, I left feeling insecure, and without focus. But what I did find interesting is that I found what I needed to buoy me up, I called sisters, friends and talked to my darling Jesse before I felt better. What I love about this is that I have strategies in place now. Where as before I would have turned to food for comfort, I now talk to a friend or friends, and went for a hard Run of two miles, I ran so fast that my throat felt a little sore after from breathing so hard. Not real smart considering I had to speak at Relief Society that night but oh well more research. It is crazy to me that all things are waiting and available to me I just have to figure them out.

So the Relief Society meeting was grand. We all left feeling positive and up lifted. There were even a few ladies that tried swinging the Kettle bells that I brought.

Friday I left with Dixie, Marilee, and Kaylynn, for Kalispell.








We did an incredible amount of shopping. I have not been a shopper in the past as my sisters will tell it, just has seemed to not be my thing, well nobody would have known that this weekend. Within 8 hours I found a long sleeve pull over, two pairs of jeans, two dresser type shirts, Black dress pants, Red jacket, and black dress shoes to top it all off. To the right is the proof that I was not alone in the shopping frenzy. I was having my own party in the dressing room fitting into Jeans that were a 14. It is remarkable to think that a little more than a year ago I was wearing size 26 jeans. I can't believe I am writing that but it just seems like time to talk about it. Once again I am so pleased with myself, I knew I could do this, but it was so covered up with caring for others, and years of not doing anything about it, that shoveling it out has taken an extreme amount of effort. Don't get me wrong I am not done, today I am still fighting feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, and hunger. I am concerned of relapse, it is just a matter of finding a balance between what I would like to do and what I need to do. For instance I would like to do is eat without thought, what ever is handy and convient. But what I need to do is feed my body in moderation, good food, so it can run efficiently enough that my spirit can accomplish all it needs to do on this earth.


Back to my road trip, after shopping all day we drove to Polson MT, and checked into the hotel. It was right on the end of Flat head lake, which was beautiful. The decore of the hotel was in true Montana fashion with exposed beams and also had different native artifacts.
There was an older native gentlemen sitting on the couch when we arrived and he was still there when we left for the race in the morning. I have now imagined, that he was there because his daughter was working the night desk, and had an abusive boyfriend who had threaten to come to work and "get her" and he stayed there all night just incase. (Ok that was a little crazy.)

After checking into our rooms, we enjoyed a late dinner and then went to the Hot tub, mmmmmm, I really love a hot tub, I also took a dip in the pool. We laughed and talked, and enjoyed each others company throughly. I have found some real kindred spirits in these ladies. Kaylynn and I were talking about it and it really was a odd group, none of us the same age, none of us the same height, but yet there seemed to be so much drawing us together.

We arrived at the race early, the leaves were beautiful, and they had fires going to keep us warm, as usual the atmosphere was grand. I really love this about running. Long distance runners are in general are some the most humble, happy people I know. I believe that is because when you run long distances it takes a lot of mental training along with physical.
You end up spending a lot of time with yourself when you are training for long runs, and you might not like what find, but you always know who you are. We got our great race packs, ie bag of pasta, long sleeve shirt, metal water bottle, sport jelly beans, and such and then waited till it was time to race. We also found more friends Debbie, and Erin and had fun talking to them. As we were waiting for the race to begin I was asked to hold up a speaker for the announcer, I found this a little odd, and yet funny, is there something tattooed somewhere on me that says "I will serve you."

The race was under way, I knew my friend Kaylynn would be running the 5K in about 30 minutes, so I had a secret plan to try and keep her in my sights, and then the gun went off and then Kaylynn went off and I immediately changed race strategies. Still wanted to try for a personal best so I push my pace. I fell into stride with a very tall native man, with a long grey braid, who was wearing a pink shirt, and white shorts over top of black tights we ran about half the race together, we didn't talk much but we seemed to share energy. It was nice. The course was uphill until half way and then down hill. I only walked a little. I had a really good kick at the end which I maybe should have started a little sooner, but oh well. I did end up with a Personal Best of 36 minutes. Which I was happy about. I also got asked if they could show my picture in the Polson newspaper, "because you just have the most beautiful smile." That was cute I guess, whatever.

The Race was called Live Locally, they were sponsoring a local girl who is trying to go to the 2012 Olympics in Pole Vaulting she was there, and was so nice. Her name is Melinda Owens, I got her to sign my bib number just in case she won. She was really cute about us being Canadians, and coming to support her. Here is a picture of her and the gang.


So beside the size 14 jeans, it also felt great that the running shirt I ordered was a little baggy, but it still looked great.


I am still wondering if I would have done this a year ago? Wondering if I had enough confidence in myself to go away with these fabulous women for the weekend to get some serious shopping done and fit in a 5k? But then again who cares, OHHH how I love my life.

No pedestals, thank you

Another minimal weight loss week, but heck every bit helps.

Yesterday was a Picky eating day. I just couldn't stop eating, now thank goodness their isn't junk in my house, so most of it was a carrot, nuts, peas, bread, there were some cookies in there I am sure but it seemed like every time I turned around my mouth was full or was about to be, I even ate chocolate chips which I haven't done in a while. So last night I felt like 285 pounds again, I felt out of control, I felt like I was back there again, hungry with nothing to fill me up, because I wasn't hungry for food I was hungry for something else. It was a horrible feeling, I knew, that I didn't look that way and weigh that much anymore, I even looked specifically in the mirror for it, but it just felt like it. I wish I could describe it better, it was a depressed state not in the mental illness kind of depression but I physically felt pressed down upon. I realize now that even though I thought I was doing ok being that overweight I wasn't, it makes me sad for that person. Another thing that has changed is that I like to do my hair and put on nice clothes that fit before I go out. This is huge for me I have never really cared about that I would wear or how my hair was done give me a baseball hat anywhere anytime. Now I am not putting down baseball caps and ponytails they definitely have their place but not every time you go out. I have found myself saying "I have worked to hard to wear something that doesn't fit properly." It is another thing that makes me sad for that other person. Life can be and is so much better than that but you honestly have to figure it out for yourself, nobody can help you but God.

So back to being hungry...today I figured out what I was hungry for. I have a lot going on right now, Jesse flew to San Diego, last weekend kind of suddenly, so I had the kids all weekend, which wouldn't have been that bad but there was Judo to go to, and a "Meet the family" I needed to go to, and at last a Regional Training meeting that I needed to attend that was an hour away. It was a little stressful arranging all of that.

Also I an acquaintance of mine got hit by a car while out running. This really threw me for a loop considering I have been out running at 5:30am and trust my there is no light. I still went running on the highway the next morning with my friends that I am going to Polson to run a 5k with this weekend. But we didn't start till 7:30 so it was light. When I went Thursday, I grabbed an extra flashlight and stuck to a gravel road with no traffic instead of going on the highway. I don't know how serious I should take this, I do wear reflective clothing and stuff. If I don't run outside I could use my elliptical but it is not really the same as running what do you think should I call it quits for the winter, or try and figure something else out. Maybe I could go at later when Jesse gets home from school, but he is very inconsistent with that, maybe get a baby sitter but that costs money and seems like a lot of work.

I am speaking at a Relief Society meeting Thursday night about "Change." I am pretty much just going to give that talk I gave at the Lifestyles Retreat in May. Maybe switch it up a little bit. I have also been asked to speak at the Lifestyles Success dinner in November. That is causing me some stress as well, but I talked to Linda about it today, and feel better. I am not a poster girl for Lifestyles, I am just doing what I am doing. Sometimes I feel like I am being put upon a pedestal and with that I feel a tremendous amount of pressure not in a good way, I don't like pressure. I really don't like pressure, but I just have to keep reminding myself that nobody matters but me, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, or thinks, or for that matter does. I can only control my actions. There is no magic way to do what I am doing. All I can really say is that it is little, minute by minute, grocery cart by grocery cart, spoon by spoon decisions to change my LIFE, and when you string those all together wow, it really does matter.

Also that and a deeper understanding of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going. I don't really know what came first for me, the losing the weight and figuring out how great I am or the figuring out how great I am and then losing the weight. I guess it doesn't really matter.

So after figuring out that none of that other stuff really matters, and I am just me, and I don't have to help anyone, I just have to take care of me, I don't have to convince anyone, just take care of me, just make my own decisions. I feel a little better, stressed yeah but coping with it, and not eating it.

I am ridiculously excited about my girls get away this weekend. I would love to kill this 5K and run it under 30 minutes but the training hasn't been there so what will come will come. It is going to be FUN and relaxing and I deserve it.

Before and after

I weigh less than 200 hundred pounds. I don't really know how long it has been since I have been under 200 pounds. This picture to the right was taken August 2009. I would like to entitle this picture

BEFORE I KNEW MYSELF

These pictures were taken two weeks ago, after running a 2k with my children.










And since a picture is worth a 1000 words, here are three, which would make 3000 words which already makes this entry too long to read. Thanks for the support. And, NO, I AM NOT DONE.